I have been pretty quiet lately. I figure I proably ought to just touch base and let you know what is on my mind lately. I hopped back on the work travel bus this week-- I have have quite a hiatus from it as I have been pushing any travel I might have back so I can deal with IVF stuff. Needless to say, the clock ran out and I am now faced with several trips coming that I can no longer put off. One one hand it's great- my mind gets a break from all this thinking and I can get my work done-- but on the other it takes a toll in having to adjust and then readjust my schedule to fit in the whole IVF thing around my work schedule and around what little social life I have.

We were not planning on getting back on the IVF bus so soon- on the other hand the numbers looked good this month and we finally figured out why last month was a bust. The temp physican assistant called in the wrong dosage of lupron. So my microflare lupron wasn't really a microflare ( a kind of quartering of the dose)-- it was more of a doubling of the dose. I am not happy about this, but honestly what options do I have other than to just suck it up and move forward.

AF showed up today. It wasn't a suprise, exactly. She gave me little signs that she might be coming- a ravenous appetite for sugar of any kind, small pangs in that area, an inpatience for anyone driving, walking or talking within a 10 feet radius. The most telling sign was the sinking feeling. Like when you know that you aren't going to get the answer you want but you don't want to know it- so you pretend that for awhile longer it just isn't what you know it is. Then she shows up and arrives in full flowing glory. Definately no denying she is here. This would definately make me not pregnant. Again.

Not really much else to say about this. We are disappointed, no way not to be really- you don't go through all the effort of trying if you don't plan to suceed. When we started down the IVF path we truly were innocent. We honestly thought that we'd just pop into the RE's office, schedule the process and we'd be done with it and on our way to baby. We had no idea that we'd encounter problems that made it so we were not able to even get to the IVF process.

So we are sitting with the latest results. Not sure what is going to happen next. We'll stick close to one another, step back a bit and heal. Make plans to be with close friends and just take care of ourselves and remember that we have a life outside of the IVF one that consumes so much of our time.

We can see the finish line. We have now lived through another round of bcps, shots, ultra sounds, blood tests, the pink mojo room and IUIs. We are in the 2 week wait.

The last post was hard. Crushingly hard- and I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the amazing support I received from it. The community of bloggers that I have shared this common thread with -- you have stepped up and held a space for me to
grieve and process and simply just feel. You have come from all over to express that you have felt the same as me- and while I don't wish this journey on anyone- thank you for letting me know I am not entirely alone. And a special shout out to the lone man who was so kind with his words -- and who makes an effort to share the male point of view in the struggle with infertility. Thanks to you for your perspective-it was so nice to have you re-affirm what my DH has been telling me.

We did not go into this last phase of the journey with high hopes. For us it felt like a huge let down-- and the whole process seemed to have grey pallor once we decided to do the IUI. Two days in a row we met at the RE's office to complete the task at hand. Both times we left with heavy hearts and how can we not- we have been on this path many times before with no different result. One tube working, plus age working against us--our chances of sucess are half what the average couple our age gets. It's a struggle to come to terms with this. I know it can be done. Fate landed me in the hands of a woman this week who has no ovaries- never has. She was at ease speaking about it as I wiggled in discomfort. It was a good insight and I wonder if she wasn't somehow placed into my life to offer a completely different perspective? I don't know- but I feel fortunate to have met her and had the opportunity to speak.

It should be an interesting 2 weeks. I am redoing my garden again-- seems to be an endless chore. I finally decided to give up trying to figure it all out-- I called an expensive landscape architect whose work I loved, figuring that it is better to just pay once and have a great yard- than to constantly have me redesigning it -- I reasoned that the cost of me putting in plants then discovering they really don't grow well there- killing them and then having to get more plants wasn't as cost effective as having someone who knows what to do work with the space. I thought that since I look at the yard daily- the vision of what is ought to look like may be skewed and that fresh eyes would revive my vision. The architect came over last night-- looked at the yard and explained that she really generally does larger projects and with our budget we could not really afford her services. She then went on to explain that she'd be happy to go through the yard with me and point out what she'd do if it were her project and I could take notes and then do the work or hire someone to do the work. She spent 2 hours with me--gave me the names of dozens of plants that grow in the spaces I had been struggling with- and basically redesigned my entire yard for no charge. I was speechless. How on earth did I get so lucky. I mean who does that? This person didn't know me from anyone- steps into my yard and decided to give 2 hours of her services to me. A small streak of sunshine began poking through our grey clouds. I can do this 2 week wait. And if it doesn't work out- I step up, greive, and continue with life. I feel hopeful. Cautiously so.

Back to Plan B again. This is proably the most disheartening part of all the back and forth we have been through for the past week. The point where we finally reach a decision and take the trigger meds. We got 7 follies in total- but having spent the past few days trying to make them grow-- they just aren't. The two largest ones are continuing to grow and the remaining 5 are not getting to where we need them to be. No amount of chanting, candle burning, whale music or affirmations is going to make them move any faster. The good news is we got 7 follies so I know my body can make them-- this is way better than the 2 we came up with last go around. Bad news is that we are back on Plan B and doing IUI again.

DH isn't taking this so well- I think the >5% chance of this working is not encouraging and the fact that we keep trying this method and are getting no where with it. He feels it is kind of pointless. I can see his frustration and I know I shouldn't feel it- but I do- I feel like I am the reason we are not getting pregnant. He keeps saying it is not my fault- but how can I not feel a wee bit responsible for this. Would another woman be able to create life with him had he opted to be with someone else instead of me? I know, I am not suppose to think like this- but honestly, how can this not seep into my thoughts? How can I not be accutely aware that other women don't struggle like I do to have children.

It's not a done deal yet, I know this, and I know we have the rest of this cycle to see what happens with the procedures we will do over the next 2 days. It was a rough cycle overall with the higher dose of meds, the back and forth about which procedure would be the best for us and DH being gone for most of it. I can only hope that it all works, because honestly, I am just not sure I have another one of these in me.

I have stopped sending emails to cyclesista to update my schedule. Why should we all suffer through the daily shift of the cycle protocol? What I thought would be IVF became IUI to then become IVF and now... well we just don't know what it is. Today the ultrasound revealed that I still have 6 follies. Whew, at least that part hasn't changed. They are 23, 19, 15 on right-- and 10,10,10 on left. So we are looking at 3 viable ones right now. It never occurred to me that they all would not grow at the same rate. Do they know that we are currently living in what is called the Participation Age? Ahh, yeah, that means we are suppose to participate.

So where does that leave me? I. have. no. idea. And instead of worrying about this- I don't care- ok, I really do, but I am currently too tired of thinking about this to think any longer and I want a break- I want to do all the things I haven't been able to do for this cycle--I want a hot bath with bubbles and a glass of red wine with dinner. I miss doing situps and ab work in Pilates class and I know I am not a patient person. I'm not. I am really not. It makes being patient all the more difficult. Ok, now that I have finished my daily whine- I am going to go back to waiting. I have no idea what will happen next- stay on meds and do IVF later this week, trigger and do IUI, or stay in this holding pattern and decide at my next ultra sound...

Um, how long can I stay on the stims before I start to look like a giant follicle myself?
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Update:
Well Bless the RE for really wanting this to work as badly as we do, how totally cool is that? I know that we are paying the man to get us all knocked up but he is totally dedicated to the cause and I do find it comforting. He is going to have us do the meds again tonite and then ultra sound and blood work again tomorrow. He will talk to us tomorrow and decide the course of action then-- he is hoping we will be further along and can do the surgery on sunday.

Which way am I going? I am utterly stunned and alittle confused, and I did alittle victory dance in the kitchen this morning.

I don't often dance in my kitchen but alittle celebration is in order today. My left ovary decided to come to the party. I have always been a little bit of a late bloomer. I am now looking at a right side of 19, 14 and 10 follies and a left side of 9, 8, 8 follies. In 2 days I have gone from 2 to 6 follies. And my left ovary suddenly decided to join in. I was starting to think the whole left side was a dud, with the blocked tube and all. Go late bloomers!

What does this mean in english? We are again switching back from IUI to IVF. Yes, Yes, I know I was just moved to IUI two days ago and now we are going back to Plan A. I am going to stay with the current stims I am taking and we go back on Thursday to check with another ultrasound and bloodwork. If all looks good then we have a retrieval date of saturday the 9th or there abouts. Did I mention that I got a post card in the mail from my regular OB/GYN to remind me to come in for a check up. Yeah, um, I really want to spend more of my life having yet another person up there? -- I am getting a wee bit too much traffic in that area- and if this all works- the OB/GYN will be peering up there soon enough. No need to rush it along- I don't think the view has changed in some time.

So there ya go. Back to Plan A. And DH gets home today! Yipee.

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."- Henry Wadworth Longfellow

I went to do the U/S today- we are still at 2 follies. I am back at Plan B again. We will continue to do the stims and then later this week do IUI. For those of you who are not immersed in IF lingo, IUI is inter-uterine insemination. They just help the swimmers get on up there. The little guys still need to find the egg and do their business naturally. Now it doesn't seem like this would a difficult task- I mean after all we have taken half the journey for them by placing them in the uterus. Millions of little swimmers and 2 illusive eggs. Adding up to a less than 5% chance success rate.

It's a little hard to be optimistic about this process when we have done it before 4 previous times all unsuccessfully. But like the quote above indicates- there really isn't much I can do about the 2 eggs. I have not spoken to the RE about a new Plan A. I thought it might be better to wait. Don't get me wrong- I'd love to have a new plan A- but it seems disrespectful to call it a total loss before we have even done the IUI. I want to be fully present and do everything I can to make the environment a pleasant one. This way even if it does not work I will know I did what I could at the time. And I am a tiny tiny bit hopeful- and I want to be hopeful. For as much bashing as I give hope - and I freely admit there are days when I'd like to leave it at the door- but I need it, I need to have in my heart the belief that this will work, else why am I here.

In other news I have had several friends drop over with meals for me or have me over for dinner-- I am grateful for this. As you know my cooking skills go from "pretty awesome" to "I am scared to eat that" when I am on stims. My friends have rallied around me to help out and it is pretty cool to have a show of support and eat better this week than I have eaten in the past month. While I can survive on pizza, it's nice that this week I don't have to. And all I have to do is focus long enough to heat it up- so I have only had a few minor issues where I start heating the meal and then forget I was heating a meal and start another one. You could say I have a very limited attention span this week. I also contacted a gardener who is going to swap out my drip irrigation system to something less tasty so the sweet little pup will have nothing to chew on except his chew toys in a few weeks. I am thrilled about this- and though it will cost a little bit to do it, I think we will saving in the long run by not having to replace so many parts.