Dinner Table Talk... I Think Not

2010-01-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to publish an update but it's not been the smoothest of years overall. I feel like I had the little man and then vanished from the community which was not my intention in any way. I was so wiped out from the c-section (did I mention they put me under for it?) and then the anemia, added with the hyperemesis- my body just didn't recover well. I still seem to be struggling with a weakened immune system as I spent nearly four months this year coping with pityriasis rosea (a very bizarre skin virus) and between that and having "allergy baby"- all my free time has been spent figuring out what to feed him that does not contain- eggs, milk, soy, peanuts, or strawberries. You'd be surprised at the derivatives of milk that seem to wind up in the strangest of places. And before any of you good intention folks tells me that it's incredibly unusual to have a child allergic to milk-- yes, we know- and the allergies were diagnosed by a professional who is monitoring them and we are all hoping that the little guy grows out of them soon. Fortunately for us he likes rice noodles, chicken and nearly all the other fruits I give him. The veggies are not as popular but frankly that he is eating at all is really all I care about- we have plenty of time to fix nutritional issue that may arise due to a finicky 17 month old child.

So we've made it well past the first year of parenthood-- and it's been good. He's a blast to learn with - nearly 29 lbs and he's super tall for his age. Loves puzzles, trains and animals-- and I'm thrilled that none of the pregnancy stress seems to have affected him in any way. And I'll try to post an update every so often- I had not idea my life would get swept away quite like it did.
Hard to believe that I started this journey with a IVF dr. telling me I had a better chance of winning the state lotto then I did getting pregnant... and we now joke that we wish we'd bought tickets the day we conceived-- luckiest day of our lives because we started down this path that has changed our lives forever. It's not always easy, but it's been worth the endeavor.

2008-09-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been months since I last posted-- and I apologize-- the pregnancy was a rough one with hyperemesis, and then anemia... and I was allergic to all of the iron supplements they tried on me- exhausted from being anemic plus all the side effects of the hyperemesis. All in all I wouldn't say I was a picture of health or that I had any kind of glow about me. I only found relief in reflexology-- I discovered it a few weeks before I was due and it made me a pleasant person. I highly recommend it to help cope with a rough pregnancy.

The good news is that we had a emergency c-section a week or so ago-- and out came a beautiful baby boy. I won't go into huge details expect to say that pretty much like my whole pregnancy- his arrival was not a smooth one either. But we could not feel more in awe or blessed and we stare at him in amazement that he's ours. So I've answered the lingering question of was 10 months of illness, more than 8 rounds of IVF meds, and 2 miscarriages worth it? Yes, without a doubt. I would not change a thing about it.

Anyhow, recovery is slow ... but I'm getting there and I hope to post more soon. Hugs to all of you how pop in to check on me. I still read your blogs- but I unfortunately forgot my login for several months and was unable to post ... now that it is again in my memory I hope to catch up and let you all know I am still thinking of you.

2008-05-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

Hi. Yes, I know I have been beyond quiet-- and mostly catching up all the stuff I missed out on from being so incredibly sick the first 17 weeks of this pregnancy. I'm so sorry I haven't been as good about updating- my energy level isn't great and so I am logging in to read about some of you- but so many have blocked or password protected blogs now-- is it really that awful out in blog land now? I hope not-- there should be someplace safe and supportive for us to go to where we can share experiences and not have negative feedback. Infertility is hard enough to deal with - and the emotional aspect of it all- and finding support for it- just should not have to be so dang hard.

I can eat again- nearly everything-- I seem to have an aversion to tomato based foods, mint, and tea. Pretty much anything else if fine. I've also just gained back the 25 lbs I'd lost the first trimester- and the baby is measuring in the 97th percentile-- the doctor says a big baby is a healthy baby so it's reassuring to know that though the size concerns me a bit-- as he, yes a boy, has to exit at some point and really large is not what I was hoping to hear.

Other than that I seem to be fine- cranky all the time, tired because I have yet to sleep in longer than 2 hour increments without having to get up for the bathroom or roll over which actually leaves me a bit breathless and hormonal(will that ever end?) . The infamous glowing that everyone talks about-- well... I think it's when I am breathless and my cheeks turn pink or it could be the 5 minutes I am in the sun where my cheeks burn- seriously I can't even walk out the door without getting a sun burn lately.

I can only say- this is a strange experience and hubby asked me if it was something I'd do over again if I knew how awful I'd feel this entire time. I looked at him and said -- I have no idea, we aren't at the end of the journey yet so I can't really say. But if I love the baby a fraction as much as I love our dog and I think he's half as cute-- then yeah- worth the whole miserable experience to get there. And looking at it from the larger scope-- a year or so of not feeling so great compared to decades of perfect health- not such a big deal. I guess it is all perspective, though the not throwing up part certainly helps the perspective seem much brighter than 2 months ago where I never thought I'd eat again. :)

So that's it-- not a lot happening but I did put the baby's pic in the corner there and I am hoping that doesn't offend anyone. Hugs to everyone and I am still reading where I can -- just still in quiet mode and taking the days as they come.

2008-02-12T14:39:00.001-08:00

Just a quick update. Everything looks good baby wise... no complaints about that and we've passed the first trimester so we've made it further than we've ever made it before. The Hyperemesis is awful. I've never felt so sick or awful in all my life- and I honestly would not wish this disease on my worst enemy. I've lost about 20 lbs as of today and I'm not real happy about it. I am using a home nurse care company that checks in on me daily and makes sure we are getting better and not worse. My husband is an amazing man, he has altered his entire life schedule to take care of me, make sure I have food when I am able to eat and has taken on all the chores and errands. I don't know how he does it all- and we've also had great neighbors who call when they are at the store and pick things up for us. Very helpful. It's very telling how unimportant things become when you have so little time or energy to spend on them and how much we value what we do have time and energy to attend to. Somehow, life got simpler and whether it's because I can't run about at my natural sprint pace or not seems so unimportant to us and were enjoying the slower lifestyle.

2008-01-25T17:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I have to say we have actually been stunned silent now for a few weeks. And we haven't really told anyone just because the experience is so impossible- and we still scratching our heads trying to figure out exactly what happened.

We went to Europe for the Holiday break. We'd planned it out in August when I was still reeling from the last loss and I needed desperately to plan something- to have something to look forward to... to get away from it all and connect with one another.
I couldn't face a holiday of nieces and nephews because as much as I love mine- the last thing I wanted to be reminded of was that we didn't have one of our own.

4 days before we are scheduled to get on a plane I notice my period is a couple of days late. I don't think much about it but I pop on over to the drug store and get a handy pee stick to just make sure nothing is amiss. I thought they put the stick together wrong- you know, so when you get a positive on it- and the dark line is up and down-- well I thought they just put it in the plastic holder wrong-- so I took the test a second time. Nope. Positive. So I called my RE- thinking a blood test would fix the weird tests and verify I indeed was not pregnant. But it didn't and I was... and now 10 weeks later. I still am.... we are just over 10 weeks pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, we're thrilled- beyond thrilled actually- but I've been throwing up since week 6... more during week 7. By week 8 I figured out that hyperemesis is not the same as normal morning sickness and I actually sent my RE a note asking how many times a day I ought to be throwing up and what was normal. For the record, 20 times a day...not normal -- and tonite as I am typing all this- I am eating my first complete whole sandwich in weeks. All while an IV is plugged into my arm and I am being pumped full of sugar water and zofran. I'll be taking IVs for the next 3 days hoping to rehydrate myself- and I have to say- I already feel better and we are only on the first bag. Maybe it's knowing that someone is checking in to make sure I'm no longer getting sick...just the feeling perhaps that I am not in this entirely alone.

And while feeling better I realized that the whole first trimester for us so far has been filled with worry, confusion and then illness and we really haven't had a chance to just sit back and be thrilled by the wonder of it all. We haven't told anyone we're pregnant because we don't want them to have to live through a miscarriage again should we walk down that path again. So that's been my life lately. When I wrote my prior post, we had no idea we'd be pregnant, and considering the odds of it happening we're pretty surprised. Pleased, but yeah, surprised. I wish I'd bought a lotto ticket that day too.

2007-12-07T22:30:00.001-08:00

This is the first time I have blogged since our second miscarriage. I needed to take the time to grieve- for us the loss was huge. I still struggle some days with the loss, but it is lessening and we are on hold with our plans. We'd still love to have a child but the journey wore me out, wore us both out, we were left emotionally spent and physically exhausted.

I also lost some friends along the way-- no, they still care for me deeply but from afar. I think the multiple miscarriages was too much for some of my women friends who were unable for whatever reasons to cope with my loss, perhaps because it resonates or the fear of the possibility in their own lives was too great. But they are dearly missed and I hope that one day they will reappear in my life again when the time works for them.

I can't really say I am leading an exciting life- but I am healing. I have just begun recovering from the depression that sets in while the hormones are leaving my body. 2.5 years of infertility drugs takes a while to work them all out... but I am feeling better than I have in over a year and I have begun to smile and laugh again.

I probably won't post a great deal for now... but know that I am lurking and reading your blogs when time allows and you are all very much in my heart and thoughts.

If you have some free time- please pop on over to Pixxee and give her some hugs.

2007-07-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

We did the ultra sound today. No heart beat. At 7 weeks, 4 days-- there ought to be one. We ended up cutting our day short and came home to grieve. Tomorrow we go back for surgery- then I'll take a few days off to heal. We can't thank everyone enough for all the support and encouragement you've given us on this journey-- I don't think we can continue it anymore. It's just too painful and we need to take care of ourselves and our hearts and get back to the process of living. Hugs to you all still on your journey--

2007-07-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

We go in on saturday for our ultrasound. I'm scared. Beyond scared actually, I don't want to go at all. It's suppose to be the first time we'll see our baby's heartbeat but all I can remember is the last time we did this and how the heartbeat was low- and then a few days later it was gone. It was so sad-- and I just don't think I am up for doing that again emotionally. I'm afraid it is all going to happen again.

I'd feel better if I had some other symptoms besides being tired. So far- that is about all I feel. Anyhow, just writing down my thoughts in an effort to purge them from my head. Sometimes putting all your fears down takes the power away from them.

2007-07-20T11:04:00.001-07:00

Now how many of us can say we had 4 beta tests? I am gathering it's not the norm- and I'm not complaining- I'd happily give blood every week if I got a take home baby at the end of it. In fact I think if we get to a point where we transition to a normal docotrMy 4th beta came back at about 1800. I'd hoped it would be at least 1500-- so the number not only met but exceeded my expectations. Yipee. So there ya have it- I am very pregnant, which I prefer to possibly a little bit pregnant. Now we just need to make it past the heartbeat which is scheduled for the 28th of this month. I am feeling tired all the time and I get cranky at the drop of a dime- and require food at least every 2 hours now. All green light signs.

2007-07-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

I promised I post the 3rd beta results- good or bad. It was a really rough weekend trying to not think about it and not watch my body for any possible twitch that I might mistakenly think is a etopic pregnancy going off. No blood or severe cramping the entire weekend- but I also didn't really feel pregnant. Tired, yes- but not really one iota of any other symptom. By sunday we were convinced that I'd be miscarrying again so at dinner I had this amazing seared ahi on wild rice and a lovely glass a markham merlot. I woke up at 3:30am unable to sleep and pondered whether I thought I could live childfree and be ok with it. At 7am I gave up sleeping having pretty woke hubbys up with all my tossing and turning -- we headed for the lab before breakfast.

The lab had all of 2 people waiting for a blood draw and I was one of them! Yeah, that first person to the lab and not having to wait an hour never happens to me- and I suspect that the other person in the lab was a regular who really must have complained about waiting because the technician who did my draw talked about how clients complained about waiting often- and there was only her until 8:30am-- she seemed delighted to know that other labs have much much longer lines that her one or two people.

So .... I am still pregnant and my hcg is climbing! And what did I say when the clinic called to let me know? I blurted out that I had the wine and tuna...because of course I wondered if I somehow was now going damage the little bugger with the fete from the night before. The doctor assured me that normal children have been born in circumstances much more dire than one glass of wine. Ok, so I won't make it a regular event.

I go back for a 4th beta next week just to make sure that the numbers are still climbing and all the hormones are suppose to be doing what they should be doing. I'm not complaining- I'd rather know that everything is where it should be and not chance another miscarriage (one is a plenty to live through).

So as of today-- things are good. We are cautiously happy. We'll remain cautiously happy-- I don't think I have the luxury of being carefree at this point- but maybe after I pass that 12th week, we give have a little squeal of delight.

2007-07-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

Where to start? I just got the results of my betas today. The first beta (tuesday late morning) was 16 and the second was 28 (thursday early morning). Not quite the doubling number that we had hoped to see -- so I go back in next monday and take a 3rd beta. Several possibilities as to why the second beta is low-- and the only positive one is that perhaps implantation just occurred late and we are just starting to climb. The other possibilities aren't really all that thrilling- with one being an etopic pregnancy and the other being incomplete implantation and thus a miscarriage.

Can I just point out that the whole waiting part just plain sucks? I am off to a family reunion this weekend-- and I hope that it will provide a distraction from all this- I have this looming fear that if somehow this pregnancy isn't viable that it just isn't going to happen for us and we move onto to a different kind of life. How do you just let go of something like this?

So we are back to the waiting phase. I'll post again after my 3rd beta and let you know- good or bad.

2007-06-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

Transfer is Done! Yipee. We got to the clinic a few minutes early, and I didn't think this would be a big deal as last transfer we got in 30 minutes early and were out early too. This time I was ready, bladder full... busting to move. We waited an additional 30 or so minutes beyond our scheduled appointment because the folks in front of us apparently didn't understand that full bladder meant FULL bladder and once in there- they wait for you to fill up so it's just a matter of drinking water and waiting. Not the fault of the staff -- they give fairly explicit instructions to have a full bladder and they tell you the time to start drinking and how much to drink. I should have sensed something when they were in the waiting room and they were the only folks without water bottles. Fortunately the RE knows me fairly well by now and he was fine with me letting some out. That part pretty much sucked-- having a full bladder and I think I ended up letting a tiny bit out 6 different times while we were waiting-- and we waited 30 minutes after our scheduled time, which means the folks behind us had to wait as well. Once we got into the room- we were in and out in minutes--3 little eggs tucked safely away.

On the way home we hit traffic-- but bed rest this past weekend was good. I got to stock up on my video watching and Hubs was totally awesome taking care of me. Even when I was cranky, he was still there. Made me meals, and brought me water and took the dogs out so they didn't pester me.

The dogs apparently got into Poison Oak this past week-- not sure how they did that since they have been running at the beach- but we've got it all over. We are both incredibly sensitive to it and my arms are just covered in a red itchy rash and it's spreading to my neck, shoulders and legs. Not much I can do but let it runs it's course at this point and try not to scratch.

Anyhow, we take our first blood test on July 2nd and the second one on the 4th. Since the 4th is a holiday here we'll have to wait until the 5th. So we won't know anything until then-- they never tell you the results until the 2nd test results are in and I am not planning to watch for symptoms since I already know I don't show any so early on. I'll post if anything comes up- but as of now- the eggs are in and cookin'.

2007-06-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

Well the retrieval went well yesterday-- they got 5-- but only 4 were viable. Of the 4, 3 were an M2 and one was an M1. I'm not exactly sure what that means- but I am told it's good. Of all 4, 3 fertilized. So 3 is a pretty good ratio when starting from 4 total. Not going to complain. We go back on Friday to do the transfer- but overall we're Ok with the number and the amount that fertilized. Better than last time and we did good then. I haven't started to think about the whole miscarriage thing much yet-- but it's lurking-- and if this goes well I'll expect a slight freak out at week 8 or 9 ... we have plenty of time for that.

Anyhow, I found a cool chef service that cooks and delivers meals to you so I ordered some for the week for us to give a try.
It was pretty good- and it wasn't all that expensive when I think about buying all the stuff to make the meals- I think we may keep using them for awhile-- I could use a break on cooking and Hubby isn't inclined to learn so it's that or pizza. I don't know how everyone else does it- and it could just be the hormones but I feel like I keep track of all the stuff with the house and the food and the cleaning... and I work full time too. I am worn out! So here is to taking a break.

I'll let you know if anything comes up at the transfer but I suspect that it will be pretty normal.

2007-06-15T16:57:00.000-07:00

Latest stats are still decent-- though less impressive than earlier in the week. We still have 6-7 follies- but only 2 of them have grown well-- one is 11, the other is nearly 9-- and the rest are 4-7. That doesn't really leave much time for them to get where they need to be by next tuesday but still worst case 2 is better than none. We also go back again this weekend for another ultrasound and we'll decide then if Tuesday will stick or if it will be pushed out more.

Other than that- I have the strange side effect of heat coming out the soles of my feet. Serious heat is moving on through and I am occassionally plunking my tootsies into cool water to relieve them. I'm not too worried about it-- I think the warmth may be a good sign and I generally am cold so the shift is a nice change.

I am hoping the last thing of note is a good sign. I am taking it as one. It would seem that all the dahlias I planted during the grieving period of my miscarriage earlier this year have nearly all sprouted and I got my first flower bloom earlier in the week. I am hoping more flowers bloom this weekend- but it's nice to see something grow and become beautiful from such a dark start.

2007-06-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

I went to the RE yesterday for my utlrasound -- and I am slowly growing eggs! The RE says he thinks we'll have 6 or even 7 that will be mature by next week when we go in for retrieval! (pausing for a victory dance...) We pushed the retrieval out 3 more days as I am a sloooow grower as well as a slow responder. Kind of makes me wonder if I ever really produced any eggs on my own naturally with with my mega-short luteal phase :) and add into a blood clotting disorder, and the fact that it takes me twice the amount of drugs in twice the time to produce nearly anything...good grief, I spent all those years on birth control tweaking my body hormonally and I probably could have skipped it! All those puffy bitchy extra 10 pound years on birth control when I could have been pleasant "sure, I am happy to share my chocolates" Ellie.... sigh. Don't you just hate retrospection? And now leg warmers are back in style again... when did that happen?

The RE was kind enough to explain that usually the first 5 days or so on meds generally make women a wee bit cranky, as the estrogen hasn't kicked in quite yet but that when it does, that the crankiness subsides... I am speculating that mine isn't quite where it needs to be as Hubs and I attended a movie this past weekend, and a high schooler kid cut in front of us in line to buy tickets with his friends- we had plenty of time to buy tickets and there was tons of seating in the theatre- but I mentioned to Hubs that evening that I was suprised he hadn't said anything being as he still has a great deal of New York in him from his years of living in the city. He looked at me and said... "that was 7 hours ago-- and it was a kid buying tickets with his friends, do you think you might be a bit hormonal?". Umm, yeah, so perhaps the feeling to push the kid off the curb and into oncoming traffic is a slight extreme. I could say I am feeling a bit hormonal, yeah. And it's strange that these injustices seem to grow into travesties as the hours pass and they are such small things that I hold onto.

Anyhow, I go back to the RE for another US on Friday so I'll post again.... and I have to say that this cycle is by far the mellowest one I have done- and I am thrilled that aside from the crankiness, nothing unusual is happening and this is all pretty dang boring.

2007-06-08T19:28:00.001-07:00

Not really much new to report on my end-- I started up the stims earlier this week- and things have been smooth sailing overall. I am doing the shots mostly myself-- there was a couple of IM shots that I had my lovely neighbor help with one of them and then hubs helped with the other. I was able to inject it IM, and then he pushed down the needle, sat down and took a deep breathe, turned a wee bit pale and then seemed to be fine. I think he takes them much harder than I do!

The bruising from the heparin isn't too bad-- and bloggers have been great about offering me tips to reduce the bruising which has been helpful. I bumped my head on the doorway yesterday in one of my more graceful moves and then later that day my head hurt from it! I'll have to be more careful about bumping into things as we continue this process.

So that's it. I know, by far my most boring cycle yet- and I have done these dang meds something like 6 or 7 times at this point! By this time it ought to be mundane :) I did have a funny experience at the drug store the other day-- I was stopping over to pick up a prescription of needles at the local pharmacy and they explained to me that they were not going to put it through my insurance because the price of the needles goes up 20 bucks if they do. Classic. It costs me more to get them through my insurance than pay retail...

2007-06-01T14:59:00.000-07:00

So just a quick update. I have been on the lupr*on and centro*tide for about a week or so now. Had my first ultrasound on Tuesday. Everything looks good, no cysts and I am good to start the stim phase this next week. I'll be on the stims until the 12th of June when I go back in for another ultrasound. Pretty much taking it all in stride. I occassionally feel a small pang about the miscarriage but am otherwise fine. 2 women in my bookclub are pregnant! One would have been in the same week as me and the other about a month behind me. I'm thrilled they are both pregnant, but it was one of those pang moments, where I am told they are pregnant and I do the math in my head... oh, I'm not pregnant any more I don't get to count those weeks now- pang. I can only hope that some of it rubs off on me and this next round will have us lucky too.

We just finished reading "Assassination Vacation" by Sarah Vowell for those of you who were going to ask, yeah, I know you are all wondering what we read this month. I have no idea what next months selection will be- the person who hosts it get to pick the books that way we rotate around the group and everyone gets a pick- it broadens my views and reading choices to things I never thought I'd read and I often enjoy the reads so no complaints. The book is hilarious, and educational-- all at the same time.

I'll keep you posted as I continue my cycle. Still no major side effects from anything- except a slight headache. I start the hep*arin next week. Never done it before- but I am told that the bruising will be noticable..still, if it only costs me a wee bit of bruising and I get to go home with one of those new fangled babies... I'm good with it.

2007-05-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

Again. I don't really know what to say other than I am going to try this again. I have no idea if it is normal to cry at the thought of that. It's not that I am not looking forward to it. It's just the the last one ended so incredibly badly -- and I doubt I could make it through another cycle emotionally if my husband weren't with me holding my hand every single step of the way. Funny how he thinks I am the strong one- I don't really feel that way at all.

So I start my new med regime sometime around the 19th of this month- it will be lu*pron and dexameth*sone for the first week or so-- then we add in Centro*tide, some E2V and then up the ante a week later with regular stims and heparin. Baby aspirin to boot as well. Whole new protocol for me. And that also adds to the fear I guess.
I was kind of use to all the old drugs and what my reactions were-- in fact I rarely had any side effects at all.

The good news is that we did the Millenova labs tests and found that I tested positive for APS. It was the best 800 bucks I think I have ever spent. The common name for it is Hughes Syndrome- but the elevator pitch is that my blood apparently clots and causes miscarriages. Thus the heparin and baby aspirin now becoming part of the new portfolio to thin the blood out. I think Hubs is a tiny bit worried that he will be following me around with band-aids. I share his concern knowing that I am a bit of a klutz. I mean I did break the same little toe something like 3 times last year tripping over things. I am hoping this summer doesn't start out like that!

So finally a new post after a quiet month. I'll be here posting, and reminding myself to breathe. We have taken every precaution we could to make sure this round
does not end with a miscarriage. I can't do much more than turn it over to the world and hope it ends well.

2007-04-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Fellow Bloggers..

My humor must be returning to me as I catch up on my reading and hear what is happening in everyone's life. As I was reading up on a fellow bloggers mini vacation and her undying patience in dealing with a fertile woman who kept offering her suggestion on how to get pregnant, a question arose for me - and I thought- why not take a poll on this and then we'll have them all in one place. So here goes-- spread the request around so I can capture as much of them as possible. And here is the question:

What are the suggestions you have been given to help get you pregnant by people who don't get infertility?

2007-04-05T19:50:00.000-07:00

Disappointed is proably the best description for what we feel today. We talked to the clinic about our Karotyping test and it appears that the lab doing the testing- conducted the wrong test entirely. So they confirmed I was pregnant-- and nothing else. Yeah, thanks. I think the morning sickness was a huge tip off for us. So what does all that mean? In short- we will never know why we miscarried because the lab screwed up. The clinic sent over the correct orders but the lab opted to just not do them. I wonder if the lab tech who mistakenly did the wrong test has any idea of the impact that had on us? Do you think they'll send me a "hey, how are we doing card, we want to know" to rate the facility. Yeah, I doubt I will be hearing from them.

So we are moving on, grudgingly- I was doing the immune blood testing at the clinic as a next phase, but I think they will be sending me the kit to fedex on in-- that way I don't need to drive a few hours just to give them blood. Then we'll get the results from that and decide what to do next.

2007-04-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

Well. Healing.
Somedays not as fast as I'd like but it's happening.
I planted my yearly dahlias. I bought too many and Hubs is alittle concerned we'll have so many we won't be able to get to the front door. I felt better after planting them. And if it takes 30 dahlias to heal from a miscarriage- it seems like a small price to pay.

I have an appt with the RE this week-- I guess we'll go over the results of the D&C tissue they got and what the plan will look like moving forward. I still occassionally feel as thought the wind has been knocked out of me- but it's general greiving and as much as I'd like to snap my fingers and have it be gone there is no rushing it. It's managable, and the best way to describe it is that I get a small pang or twinge of sadness when something triggers it. Walking past a baby shop, seeing a pregnant woman... you know the usual stuff.

I got an invite to a babyshower in the mail today. I was alittle suprised really as I haven't spoken to the mother-to-be in 8-9 months, and the last time I think it was just a hello. We weren't really friends, and other than general small talk at events we both happen to be attending, we haven't really spent any time together. My hubs is friends with her hubs and so maybe it is a by proxy invite? A my husband knows your husband kind of thing? Hmmm.

The reason I am writing about this shower, isn't the puzzlement of why I was invited. It was the wording on the shower that has me alittle perplexed. The shower invite said that the couple didn't know the gender of the baby they were having so we should not tell them that is it a boy. Umm, ok. But it feels weird to know the gender of the baby when the parents don't and why would the host of the event chance that all those 40+ people won't tip off the couple- who purposely don't want to know.Like they won't be getting a blue gift now...because everyone is going to walk into the store where they registered, see that they requested yellow and get that for a boy?

Is it normal to do showers this way? Hubs and I talked about it, and I'll pick something up this week. I can't attend the shower because of an existing conflict, and I'm not really feeling up to a babyshower so it's proably a blessing overall. We'll drop the gift off with some breakfast after they have the baby. I have trouble with the being part of the secret thing- and it's not that I can't keep a secret, or that I plan on telling it if I see them. It's that I wasn't given the choice to not be included in the secret. That is was just blurted out in the first line of text for the shower and now I know this information. Now when the couple calls to tell us they had a boy it will be like, yeah, um we know...and that just seems alittle anti-climatic.

2007-03-18T16:43:00.000-07:00

Well I can't say for certain what possessed me to troll over to cyclesista and check out all the dec/jan and jan/feb cyclers and evaluate the outcomes of everyone. I can't really say that I learned anything from counting, some of us got pregnant, and some didn't. So I thought I might just catch up on some reading and offer some support. I am reading you all, but so far writing comments feels uninspirational, like I just have no idea what to say.

We did the D&C late last week, they moved me up a day in scheduling and then apparently didn't mention it to the nursing staff-- the door to the recovery room was ajar but we did overhear some of the staff commenting that I wasn't on the schedule. Hmm, not the most welcomed feeling but I know that I am little on the sensitive side with all the hormones dropping out of my system like a roller coaster plummeting down the hill. Hubs said the doctor came in and spoke with us after, I can't remember a dang thing so I can't really tell you what he said. I got dressed sometime around 9:30 and we headed home, I slept most of the way and then most of the day too. We burned all the ultrasound pictures and said our goodbyes in hopes that a sense of closure would start the healing process.

It's been two days since and I guess the healing is starting. I still cry, a bit less today than yesterday, I think that's proably going to be around a bit longer- and my motivation to step outside, well, I thought about it today but just wasn't up to venturing out on my own. Hubs took me to the grocery store and I found all the people and noise overwhelming. I did fine in the store, but I wasn't really up for running more errands after that.

I think we are doing ok, and we'll be fine-- but every time I hear the words "I'm sorry", there is a slight sting and I feel tears well up in my eyes. I know the loved ones saying it are trying to be supportive- and I'd say the same thing if I were in their place. I don't know what the right response would be, it seems appropriate, maybe it is just suppose to hurt and then it one day hurts less.

2007-03-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's been confirmed. The clinic had me come today for a scan. This is one of those days where I wished I lacked an intuitive side. The baby's heart was not beating on todays scan. We are very sad and just taking some time out to greive.

Ironically I was so optimistic that this cycle would work I brought all my extra meds and supplies to the clinic to give to other women who might need them but not be able to afford them. Now I kind of wish I'd kept the valium...

2007-03-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well nothing is confirmed. We are still in waiting mode but some thing have drastically changed and I don't think it is all for the better. The net of it is all my lovely symptoms are gone. I'd never thought I'd say I wish I were feeling queasy...
I stopped feeling queasy by Saturday, and my energy level began increase so naps are no longer necessary to make it through a day. My skin pigmentation on my breasts has returned to a pale color and most noticably the metal taste in my mouth is gone. Oh, and I am not really hungry. Yeah, I think that is a big one as I have just spent the last several weeks eating everything within view to abate the hunger. Now I don't mean to be pessimistic but add in some cramping, a general initutive sinking feeling and well, you have a grieving family.

I popped an email over to my care coordinator to see what the options are here-- but overall, I have to be realistic, this week isn't looking like a good one. I know symptoms change-- but they don't just all go away never to be seen again.

We'll breathe, and cry, and breathe and cry some more. Not much else we can do but grieve, and wait.

2007-03-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

We did the ultrasound today-- our first one. 7 weeks 4 days. The pictures looked great-- one gestational sac and yolk. The heartbeat was between 95 and 97. A little on the low side. We go back in one week and 2 days for a second ultrasound at 9 weeks. The RE didn't seem worried but we did think he was tentative-- he kept saying it was early and that the heart rate could go up. Dr. google gave us conflicting info-- the average heart rate is 110 bpm-- so we are low, but as long as it is over 90 and climbing we stand a chance.

We are nervous and apprehensive. We want to think the best and that the heartbeat will go up--yet here we are again faced with another week of waiting in hopes that everything will be ok. As hubby so eloquently said it this evening...why can't we just catch a break...does this all have to be so hard?

I guess the bright side is that we'll know in a week and half but I think this may be the longest week and a half we have had to live through yet.

2007-03-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

I am sure my friends tried to warn me about the being hungry and wanting to throw up same time feeling- just now I can't remember it ever being mentioned. I thought I was adjusting to being hungry all the time. I even thought I somehow would figure out the secret to not getting sick--you know, small meals, lots and lots of protein, eat right before bed.

I don't seem to have a great deal of problems in the morning, in fact I have been waking up not especially hungry- however between the hours of 1-5pm all bets are off and I could eat every single minute of the 4 hour window and still not be full. It is safe to say that I am tired of eating at the end of the day and I can't help but wonder why they have not created some kind of fast digesting high protein meal that leaves you feeling full for hours and doesn't upset your stomach one bit.
Today, proudly my first round of morning sickness- though it began to hit in my eating window and I couldn't determine whether I should keep eating and take my chances or stop. I can't determine the overriding message my body is sending me when I get two of the messages at the same time. My brain and stomach are both on sensory overload.

Today I can't get near meat. I thought it was a bit strange when I was in the grocery store yesterday and I couldn't look at the raw meat section with out feeling funky-- today, I can't really look at it cooked. This will pass, I know. And I am learning to trust my body, I just wish it would tell me it doesn't want to eat something before I go through the effort to make it.

2007-02-21T09:02:00.000-08:00

Wow. I am ready to take a nap now and it is only 9am. I am certain I will make it to noon with no problems but I had no idea that the little cramping bugger in my uterus was going to make me sooo dang tired. Yup, still cramping occassionally and I can only guess that room is being made where none currently exists for growth. I can't help but think that at any moment I am going to puff up into a giant marshmallow. I know going from a size 10 to a size 20 isn't really going to happen, is it? But it is nautral to worry that somehow I won't do the pregnancy right.. I mean don't we all have that fear alittle?

Last night we had a hysterical hormone surge. I was driving to radio shack with hubs and telling him about my recent trip to the humane society where I managed to not bring any animals home but that there were sooo many of them there and they needed good homes. I started to cry before even getting out the words that I had been to the humane society shelter for pets. He looked at me as though a mad woman was driving the car, because of course I was driving and sobbing at the same time and not really forming coherent sentences. Then it struck me totally funny and I began to howl with laughter too. Not a soft giggle but a deep cackling kind of belly laugh. Wow, yes, he did look really alarmed at that point. Almost scared. I can't say I blame him- It alarmed me a bit too. All of a sudden I am talking and then I am just way off the deep end. And then it passes like it was never there.

Otherwise, this morning I woke up burping-- seems to be all I am doing. And I have a slight feeling that I am moving when I am not. Makes for a real thrill when I am in the shower and feeling like I could topple over should a wave hit the bow of the tub. It doesn't last long and it kind of reminds me when I travel for work alot-- where even after I stop travelling I still feel like I am moving. Not really much different from the IVF drugs really-- I can't remember which one gave me this sensation but it only lasted a short time. I am catching up on my blog reading and if I haven't made it around to comment on your blog yet-- know that I am reading to catch up this week.

2007-02-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, Nothing major to update really- but I thought I'd mention for the other women that are still cycling that I have no symptoms of pregnancy still. Yup. No extraordinary signs and I look pretty much the same as I alway have. I have no blue veins, no dark areolas, no morning sickness yet, no getting up in the middle of the night any more than I normally do- and no real fatique any different than the normal fatigue I'd feel on progesterone shots. I have no light headedness, no spotting or heatburn or constipation. Nothing really-- though I do still have cramping in what feels like mild period cramps-- that would be the only significant sign and if the blood test didn't come back with 2 positives I'd swear my period was going to start any time now. So as head into your 2ww, breathe and try not to read into the symptoms.

I can give you a update on my PIO shots. Yup. The leg is definately out. We returned to the tush last night-- and today my leg is *still* swollen and I am hobbling around like I was wounded on the football field. No real differentiation between my knee and thigh currently-- but it does hurt alittle less. Looks way way worse and hurts less. I figure I will just keep off it and see what happens-- but if you are comtemplating PIO shots-- aim for your backside. I speak from experience now. I guess someone had to try it...

2007-02-15T13:35:00.000-08:00

What no one really tells you about PIO shots. FIRST - let me start with the update that my betas were 16 on dpo 11 and 76 on dpo 13. I looked at the betabase site and still have not figured out if this means one or two-- any votes on this?

So yeah, I am getting the hang for the PIO shot-- and I will be the first to admit that despite the excellent training my neighbor has provided both to me and hubs, we discovered this morning that we are having a small problem with them.
Administering them, not really the issue. Yes, hubs gets pale and clammy and beer seems to help with this. It also helps to have him sit down next to me to administer the shot. And he is going a great job-- the needle only hurts at the dermal layer and once we are through that -- it's a piece of cake.

So what is the problem? Well, it's the day after. Taking the shot- no big deal. And we have been doing them in the thigh for about 3 days now to give my tushy a rest and because my neighbor was kind enough to help us draw of map on my legs of where we could inject IM, heck I can even self inject at this point. But the entire thigh muscle the morning after an injection-- every single inch of it from the top of my thigh to the side of my knee- aches. I keep looking to see if it is swollen and black- it sure feels like it should. I can't even comfortably rest my laptop on my legs- it hurts to touch the more recent side we used! I am hobbling around the house - and my grandmother in her 90s could easily run circles around me with her walker!

So I tried heating pad to lessen the pain-- temporary at best-- and I tried massaging it as well-- which I do regularly after the injection-- but it just feels plain bad the next morning still. Most folks don't do the legs-- I am guessing this must be why? Today I tried walking it out- thinking the muscle just needs to stretch a bit-- it loosens and then tightens back up when I am off it for a few minutes. Doesn't seem to be helping. Any thoughts on how to make the remaining 5 days less painful? Anyone know at what point you can beg your RE for the weekly progesterone shot? And how long will I be taking these shots while pg?

2007-02-13T06:54:00.000-08:00

First let me ask everyone to pop on over to kris @babyproof and give her some love. She is having a rough cycle, and she has more eloquence and strength than I can ever hope to have- my heart goes out to her.

I never got around to the POAS method we intended to do to brace ourselves for the doctors call. I just couldn't bring myself to spend the money on one and my neighbor was on vacation so she did not bring one home from work. Hubs and I just passed the tired baton back and forth all weekend. When I was feeling up, he was exhausted and when he felt rested I was tired. It was an out of sync weekend- but we both got plenty of rest. I got the call from the RE yesterday. I wanted to wait until Hubs and I had talked before posting.

We are both alittle tentative, and I keep thinking maybe the lab somehow got me confused with another IFer. It came back positive. We are both happy, mostly stunned really. And very very tentative-- as we all know-- getting this far is only half the battle. We are keeping it fairly quiet til we pass the 10 week mark. It's the same theory that we applied to the previous testing-- we don't want to blast out to the world that we are pregnant- and then have something go wrong and have to live the let down over and over each time we repeat it. We are comforted that his boys can find the target and when placed in the appropriate circumstances it does all work. Cool. That only took a few years. I have no idea how this actually happens naturally for most people.

We went over to the neighbors house and got instructions on self administering the PIO shots. Looks like we'll be doing this for awhile. I have lovely permanent ink on my legs (I was afraid it would wash off otherwise) so I can find the right spots to do them while she is out of town. I did my left thigh last night all by my self. Hubs drank a glass of wine as though it were a shot of something and watched while turning kind of pale. The idea was that we both learn how to do them- but it may be better if I do it- he didn't look so good last night. When we go for lesson #2 tonite, I think we ought to consider giving him something stronger than red wine.

I'll still be here- reading your posts, and cheering you all on and sending Hugs your way. I also have some meno*pur and PIO in sesame oil that needs a new home. The stuff is dang expensive so if I can save someone else the cost of a box or two. Let me know if you need it -I am happy to send it on it's way.

2007-02-08T17:29:00.000-08:00

And the answer is?

We still have no clue how the next few days will turn out- really not even an inkling of a guess but we are moving into self preservation mode just out of habit. 1st beta tomorrow and the 2nd beta on monday. The Dr will call after monday and let us know the results-- but I have to say we are considering the POAS (the pee-on-a-stick for those not familiar with acronym) method this weekend because we'd like to be prepared to talk to the doctor and I don't think we will be if we are shocked by the news, good or bad. They ought to be able to have someone call and tell you the results then hang up really really fast so they can't hear your reaction.

We talked about it last night and Hubs was pretty bummed that I have been cramping for the past day or so. I know, I know. It could totally be the little embie digging in-- and I know I am especially sensitive to just about everything out there except for fertility drugs-- so there is a chance that it's not period related. I mean we all know that symptoms mean NOTHING in this process. But to be cautionary we are asking family and friends to assume it is a Negative unless we tell them otherwise.

We aren't doing this because we are negative thinkers-- we are doing it because it is self preservation. I swear, my fingers and toes are crossed and we'd pretty much bargain off our grumpy dog and our ancient honda for a tiny bundle of joy. It doesn't seem like it but we are sane people and for all you non IFers out there I can explain. Imagine wanting to have any personal life goal, then not suceeding and having to tell 35 people you didn't make it, yeah sadly they don't all gather in one large room so you have to say it over and over and over... Now imagine having told them the exact same thing 5 times prior. Yeah, it is demoralizing. It would be that way whether it was a child or any other life goal you set for yourself you didn't achieve. I think I'd prefer to have my grumpy dog running me over in my old honda than to have that conversation 35 more times. So for the sake of not having to experience any of that- we opted for the above "It's Negative until we say otherwise" method. I mean I can't make the dog stop barking- I suspect I won't be much better at teaching her to drive :)

So yeah, cramping-- but---no blood. As far as I am concern--no massive amount of blood and 2 betas tests to go--means we are still way in the game.

2007-02-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

I seemed to have worked out the noise issue with my neighbor-- he was asleep through it- and he says that it won't happen again- they should not have it on that late. His wife, still not taking it well- and ironically is giving me the silent treatment. Her husband says to enjoy it. Since I don't generally chat with them- it isn't really affecting us in any way. So problem pretty much solved-- though a good friend of mine suggested I consider buying a universal remote to just turn off their TV when it is on too loud. Hmmm, I have no idea if that would really work but I admit it sounds intriguing. The only downside of it is that it just isn't good communication and I'd rather communicate and do the right thing. The only person who seems to have a problem with it is the silent treatment lady- but I figure that if this is how she deals with conflict then it's proably better she isn't speaking :)

Both hubs and I awoke this morning with headaches-- and I am glad it was both of us-- if it were just me I'd think it was the monthly pms headache. I have bruises all over my tushie from the PIO shots. So far they hurt when I first get shot-- understandable because it is a really really big needle and then I use a heating pad and rub the area. A few knots and bruises and once or twice I was alittle itchy after the shot and the area around it was red. it went away so it is all good. I do my first blood test on friday and then a second one on monday-- they don't tell me the results until after the monday test. Fine with me- heck a few more days isn't going to change the outcome whatever it is.

I just want to let the other cyclers out there know that my thoughts are with you all -- and I spend a bit of time each day focused on you and hoping you achieve your wishes.

2007-02-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

"...Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise! If there's one thing I hate...oh the noise, noise, noise, noise!" The Grinch

Yes, I have a non-ivf related rant today. I am on the final day of bed rest - and I took thalia's advice (thankyou) and got up so I would no longer die of boredom or starvation. I was running out of things to do- and Hubs didn't really pick up the cooking bug like I had hoped. So today I am milling about gently and restoring order to my life.

My rant would be about my neighbors who are generally friendly but incredibly noisy. The problem I have is they seem to be completely unaware about their noise level. Now I freely admit that I am a bit thin skinned on this issue because they have been erecting a brick patio structure with a sandstone facing for the past 8 months and I have had to endure weeks of stone cutting, construction and cement mixing. The stone cutting got to be a bit of an issue because his guys dry cut the stones and the wind was blowing towards out house so the house became engulfed in a thick cloud of sandstone silica-- imagine a house on fire and the smoke the wafts from it-- now make it a lighter duller shade of brown and you have what a few weeks were like here. I talked to him about it- he said his guys were suppose to be wet cutting it but apparently when he leaves the premises they revert back to their old ways.

They have taken a break from the stone cutting lately- last week they jack hammered out the cement he poured earlier in the year- changed his mind and wants to put some plants in his vast cement empire of a front yard. Still, I am trying to be a good sport about this all- I mean I have to live next to him and he is eventually going to finish the project right?

Yeah, he has now installed the kitchen area of his patio, the fish pond and water fall and now a TV. Yup. You heard me correctly the man has placed a TV in his front yard patio area. Now here's the good part- last night they were watching it until 11:30 pm. They have proably been there til the wee hours of the morning had I not decided to wander on over in my frighteningly fashionable pink hawaiin print pjs. I mean what option did they leave me? I could hear it clear as a bell from my livingroom- so you can imagine how clear it was in my bedroom which is one room closer to his place. It wasn't actually him- it was his son and friends watching MTV or something with a heavy beat that gathers speed and races past the ear plugs I purchased for just this reason. So I called, no answer. I called again, no answer. I had no option but to stroll on over and suggest the volume be reduced to something I don't hear in my house with all the doors and windows shut tightly and the fan blowing.

I got no apology for distrubing my sleep, I got no "we'll establish a curfew" - I got a oh, are the boys still watching TV. Hey, glad that it doesn't disturb your peace since your bedroom is located in the back of your house and up a flight a stairs...So I go home rather pissed and what do you know... I wake up the same way. Is it possible they are so clueless they don't realize that a TV outside in your front yard is like a boom box in your front yard and it is considered noise pollution? No one else has a TV in their front yard. In fact only a few folks on our block have cable- the rest of us prefer to live with rental videos and itunes downloads. We don't want to hear the commericals and have the TV keep us company- we are fine being on our own.

So is this hormones or me- and is there some new fad I am unaware of to put TVs in your front yard- or even your back yard for that matter and torment your neighbors with your viewing choices?

2007-02-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

Bed Rest Day 2

The transfer went really well. They gave us pictures of the embies-- one was 6 cells and the other was 8. I think they said more about them but we were not really paying attention -- just thrilled to have 2 to transfer and it's darn hard to focus when they are telling you this and you have to pee. Let's get on with it already! They also gave us a picture of the embies inside me. I don't know if I will post them or not -- the scanner isn't really easy to use and honestly don't they all kind of look the same?

The full bladder thing- definately not comfortable- and I tried the catheter after- dang that hurts! I don't think I want to experience that part again. The rest of it went well and I was home shortly after and have been in bed since. I thought bed rest would be easy- I mean who doesn't want to spend all day in bed hanging out?

Not so much fun alone when you can't get out of bed. My neighbors were awesome about stopping in and making sure I had food and everything. Hubs good with dinners- not so great about mornings. Hard to give a morning task to a non-morning person. Since I normally make his coffee and he likes to sleep in-- it's been a struggle having shift times.

Today I have been cleared to lay on the sofa if I want --it will be a mellow day of movies and laying around.

2007-01-30T10:47:00.000-08:00

The morning update: Of the 3 mature eggs- 2 fertilized normally. Hubs was thrilled that his guys could actually find the eggs! The visual of the little sperm wandering around the fallopian tubes for the past few years yelling "hello, is anyone home?" makes me laugh. I don't generally think of it as a giant area- but then again I am not as small a sperm so I can see how I might look as large as a country whereas a petrie dish looks about the size of a house. We'll put them back in on Thursday afternoon. I don't think 2 out of 3 is a bad ratio at all. In fact I am just plain relieved to have at least gotten this far and a wee bit sad to think we could have been here a year ago if we'd gone with a different in the first place RE at the begining of this journey.

I'll post later- for now, I am still pretty tired but overall really happy and optimistic. I asked hubs how the mojo room was this round-- as it is a different office and one he'd never been to. If you recall we have now essentially used the examination room done up with lovely pink accents and rap music playing loudly( with no apparent way to turn it off ) and what has looked like a machine room closet with an office chair and tiny TV. The new RE's office a dedicated room labeled the Male Room, which is kind of cute- and he says it has a TV with a VCR and some magazines. He didn't elaborate on it other than to say he did not sit down anywhere or touch anything- he just couldn't bring himself to. He also said that he didn't get back into the recovery room until after me because the room was occupied still by the family that went before us into surgery. When he got in there he just wanted to get out knowing that the other guy had been in there for some extended period of time and it just didn't sit well. I can't say I blame him- we get to go under for the surgery, but the men- they have it hard having to perform under such circumstances and in a room where others have gone before. I say he is far braver than me for this.

2007-01-29T16:18:00.000-08:00

So retrieval is complete and we got 3 fat little eggs. I was alittle nervous about going under-- and I have to say, overall a totally great experience. The staff was awesome and apparently I kept waking up- asking hubs how the mojo room was and then falling asleep - then waking up and asking the same questions. He says I did that 4 times. :)

Anyhow, I am exhausted and so I will write more later- if all goes well we put them back on thursday.

2007-01-23T19:02:00.000-08:00

Today's appt at the RE was much different than my previous visits-- I guess since there are so many people cycling that they just pack them all into the office near about the same time. So there was standing room only in the office shortly after I arrived- and many of the women brought extra people with them-- some brought 3+ people, children, etc... I figured that it was natural to bring support and I'd bring hubs with me if he could get the time off work- but as he cant't I am doing it on my own. I'm still alittle torn about the bringing the kids into the office- It's not that I mind the kids, it's just that there had to have been 8-10 women in the room all trying to have kids-- and then the one support person brings her kids (yes that is plural) there-- and it seems alittle insensitive.

The u/s today showed 3 follies on the left (largest is 14 smallest is 9)- it seems to be the strong side this cycle and the right has 3 follies as well ( but the largest is 6 and the smallest is 4) and if they don't speed up and catch the left in the next few days they will be staying behind. I stay on meds for the next 3 nights and then u/s again on friday. Our retrieval date has been pushed to sunday- and on friday they will decide whether to bump it or keep it at sunday. All good.

I got back tonite just wiped out-- traffic, driving 5-6 hours total- and eating a light lunch did me in. I took a brief nap but the interrupt level at home was high with dogs, phone calls... I am still alittle bleary and I proably should have waited for Hubs to do the shots tonite. I can now confirm I have hit veteran status as I can give myself most of my shots now. I just woke up one morning and did it-- and have been doing it since. No, it doesn't phase me in the least- and I have gone from covering my eyes and cringing when I get one to doing them alone. I can't explain it-- I am just powering through the process. Perhaps I have hit some new level of altered insensitivity as not much bothers me lately, except noise, dogs and phone calls...

Now tonite I think I did something to mess up my shots-- my first time in what 5 or 6 cycles- so don't think I make a habit of it- and my follistim pen wasn't screwed shut entirely and so when I injected -- the grey stopper didn't look like it moved-- kind of ironic really as I was wondering about the stopper moving last night and it didn't look like it moved then either. So to be sure, I tightened the pen, injected it again with a smaller dose-- and the stopper moved. Well, dang- I am fairly certain it didn't move the previous time -- maybe a partial move and I missed watching the stopper move? I didn't know whether to inject the full amount now or to assume that I have now over shot by some amount. I mean, what would you do? Yes, Exactly, I thought I would err on the cautious side and complete the dose assuming that since the stopper didn't look like it moved earlier- then it proably didn't. Have I now shot too much in? I don't really think so-- but I will have hubs hang out with me when next I do the shots to keep and eye on me and make sure my counting skills don't falter.

I'll let ya know how friday goes. I can't really say much will change, I mean we will go ahead with the retrieval now regardless knowing we have a few good eggs- and hope to make it to transfer. If nothing else I am further along than I have been in the last year- so at least I am moving forward.

2007-01-21T08:40:00.000-08:00

Fridays meeting with the RE went well. 3 nights on stims and nearly 3 follies. Not bad. Tuesday will tell us more- but so far the results are encouraging and as I'd be happy with anything 3 and over- so we are there already! Being a slow responder has it's downsides- I don't expect to get over 10 follies, I'd be estatic if we got to 5. I'll let you know what next Tuesday brings. So far it is all going well and I am feeling great.

I had a slight lupr*n headache but accupuncture took care of it-- and as I was leaving the office I mentioned that I was having a slightly stuffy nose- the nice accupuncturist placed these band-aid like things in certain areas- they have a small metal ball about the size of a pin head in them and they use them on children for accupunture. They told me to leave it on for a few days then take it off this weekend. I went home, went to bed and when I awoke the next day I could smell again! Dang, that stuff is amazing!

So things are progressing well- I am hanging out and just taking it easy. I have tried to comment on some of your blogs fellow IFers-- and I am not sure what is up with blogger this month. It doesn't let me look at profiles anymore- and so if I don't have a link to the site already I seem to be out of luck for reading it. Somedays it won't let me post... must be an upgrade feature they failed to mention when I shifted to the lastest version. Know that I am reading your blogs but seem to be unable to comment on all of them and my thoughts and hopes are with you all.

2007-01-17T07:10:00.000-08:00

All lights are green in moving forward.

I saw the new RE yesterday. My E2 level is 48 and everything is quiet so things are all systems go. I have been doing 20 of the microdose lupron in the morning and night and aside from an unexpected headache it has been fine. I generally don't have side effects from all the meds but given that it was a long day of driving and I didn't drink as much water as I normally do- I suspect alittle dehydration was mixed in there and so I'll water up today. Last night we did 600 foll*stim. Yikes. We did it in 2 shots because the pen didn't go that high. We do it again tonite and then dose down later this week. I go back on friday to see how everything is growing and I am optimistic.

The new office is located in a hospital and the staff was warm and down to earth. It's a much longer drive for me but I'd rather drive a bit further and know I am being taken care of than risk another mistake. I am still kind of bummed that the old RE did nothing about that mistake and whittled away at our one time insurance assistance for IF treatments so it is completely gone. We will be doing this round entirely on our own and while the meds are taken care of due to the participation in a study-- the surgery will be the remaining cost for us.

IVF is my new car. I may put that on a tshirt. I think DH and I have decided that this will be our last attempt overall. It's not just the expense, though a huge factor, it's also putting our lives on hold while we try this, altering our schedules and travel plans, doing the meds and the physical aspect of this. And the emotional ups and downs that go with the meds and hormones. In short it's everything and it takes a toll on us every time we do it.

2007-01-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

Well I got my hair cut today...and came back a Brunette. I wouldn't say that I am a complete dark deep brunette- but my hairdresser did call this a dark blonde. DH is still looking at me a bit strange, and I can understand how he might feel alittle baffled. I mean he married a blonde and then today I come home..well, not blonde. It can take alittle getting use to it-- and having never changed my hair color before-- this was alittle out of character for me. Will I change it back again? I have no idea- but for now- it is nice to have a change.

I take the patch off tonite- and yes, I am counting down the minutes until the thing comes off-- please, if there is any semblance of higher powers in our universe, could this please be the last time I have to do this? I am looking forward to the rest of this cycle--mostly because the worst part of it for me will be over in just a few hours when the evil patch comes off. I start lupr*n on tuesday and stims a day or so later.

I'd put off having my basic annual exam this past year because, well the traffic in that area made the interstate freeway look empty and I just honestly couldn't bear to have yet another person who I don't know all that well looking in an area that is named private for a reason. But with the change in health insurance, I figured I'd get it done right at the end of the year. It would seem that I have some mysterious endo cells with blood particles floating around in there-- now they would be natural if I were starting my period-- but at the time I was on the patch--so now this doctor wants an ultrasound TOO. I should sell tickets. Would you like popcorn with that?

I guess the good part of this is my humor is finally returning, and DH and I are getting this process down. He has been amazingly wonderful about helping with the cooking-- I developed a strange anti-meat thing earlier this week so he has been cooking any of that we have been eating- I have already stopped the wine, the coffee and the tofu in anticipation of the next few weeks. It ought to be a good few weeks but I'll keep you posted as I progress and things get rolling.

2007-01-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

New Year. New Start. New Hope.

Second day of the year and I spent the first one relaxing and doing nothing. It was awesome, and around dinnertime, DH looked at me and said "pizza?" Yup, pepperoni and olive. Our standard fair and it made for a great evening of snuggling near each other on the sofa and just generally getting some time alone at home together.

I start my meds on the 16th and I am hoping this is our last try. We've spent all of last year trying to get to IVF#1. 4 rounds of injectible meds and we never got to IVF. A difficult year. Now we are onto a new year and I don't know if it was the change of the date, or the sun shining this morning as I woke- but we have a glimmer of hope with this new cycle.

I didn't make any huge new year resolutions- I'd like to just live this year in peace- and take the days as they come.

2006-12-17T17:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, just an update because I am being pushed out the door so we can head out for a long holiday week with family. It is a good thing as here I would find a ton of things to do and I am tired. We have passed what feels like every flu, virus and cold between us now for most of the month of december. Desperate for some peace from a sniffling nose, achy bones and upset stomach- I willingly subjected myself to the flu shot-- and my intentions were good. Who knew that I was one of the very few people who would get aches, fever, chills and a headache from it. Though if you ask me, that was no ordinary headache, and any time I go to bed at 6:30 in the evening- it's a telltale sign that things are not good.

I am up and moving again 2 days later. Still feeling a bit as though I have been hit by a truck and now I am going to get in a car and drive, then get on a plane with hundreds of people and pray that neither I or DH catch anything else this season.
I hope everyone in blogland has a good holiday whatever it is you are celebrating. Me, I am just looking forward to the time to unplug and connect with family.

2006-12-14T07:41:00.000-08:00

Tragic. This is all I can think about today. I got a call from my RE's office -- the doctor passed away recently in a tragic accident. I have been profoundly struck by this death.

It's not just that the doctor passed on- it is that all of the work they did was focused on helping families to create families. I can't begin to imagine the thousands of the lives this person has touched.

As we go through our day how many lives do we touch?

If we connect with an average of 10 people each business day- and we have 260 work days--(give or take some) each year-- then over the space of 10 years we will have touched 26,000 people--now, not all of those people that we touch will be new people every day, nor will the number remain the same every day, etc.. I realize my numbering and calculations are flawed-- and there are millions of variations-I mean the school teachers who work with students and parents impact the lives of hundreds, possibly thousands of students every year. The connection we make with people that impacts us could be a 3 second connection or a lifetime connection. The time span will differ for each connection-- but as I go through my day and I pick up my car from the repair store or I buy stamps at the postoffice or grocery shop-- and I say please, or thank you, or comment on something I notice to another person- or compliment that person-- have I touched them in a way I am unaware, and will it reverberate through their lives and trickle down?

2006-12-04T20:38:00.000-08:00

Back in 1987, when I was quite a bit younger than I am now- my family, well, not the entire family, but a large portion of them participated in the harmonic convergence.

Yeah, I know, you have no idea what the harmonic convergence is? I can't say I blame you , my father had to explain it to me - so here it is in a nutshell.

The Harmonic Convergence was supposed to be a global awakening to love and unity through divine transformation. Yup, I know- it does feel as though we have stepped onto the transcendental woo-woo train, but stay with me. According to the Maya prophecies the harmonic convergence was suppose to be the end of the "hell" cycles and the beginning of a new age of universal peace. It was suppose to be a energy shift in the world powerful enough to change the global perspective of man from one of conflict to one of co-operation. Sounds pretty incredible doesn't it?

For my family this consisted of getting up at 0'dark hundred, tromping out to a bluff overlooking the ocean and being together with other people who got up that early and also apparently wanted to watch the sunrise and didn't mind walking along a cliffside in the dark. I know they created a huge chain of people holding hands while the sun rose and they meditated and prayed for a better world.

I saw the pictures in the newspaper the next day, I was not there- I slept in. It wasn't that I didn't believe in the convergence concept- I mean who doesn't long for a world where war, materialism and just plain unfriendliness are gone? Would I get up at 0'dark hundred and tromp out to a cliff in a forested area in the dark if I thought doing so could for a moment end the suffering of people- yeah, sure- why not. On the other hand, who is to say that a culture that believes the world is going to end 12-21-2012 really knows what they are prophetizing. I mean it's not like the Mayan civilization is running the world right now, somewhere along the way- it is possible there was an error in the calculation. But still, doesn't matter, I like to think I come from good stock, my family got up and wandered around a cliffside and looked for peace. They stepped outside of themselves and made a connection.

We do that. Here. I didn't really get the scope of how much we do until I installed statcounter on my website. Meg got me started on it. The first couple of days I checked it, I was just plain fascinated by how many of us are out there. Then I realized we aren't just a handful bloggers writing about our struggles with infertility- we are this amazingly strong community that shares our hopes and strengths and we carry each other when we hit a bump or a bump hits us.

But there is more. There are hundreds of us online that are linked -- like a huge chain of people. While some of us are watching the sunrise, others at the same time are watching it set. Now I don't know about any major energy shifts occurring anytime soon- and I'd like to hope that if one occurs - that it not be linked to the power supply running my little laptop- a little static zap shooting across the universe. But, it hit me today that this is infinitely cool- and it's not just because I know you are all out there- and that you are from everywhere- all walks of life, all countries, all religions and beliefs and all socio-economic structures. It's infinitely cool because we are all connected. Now that I call a harmonic convergence.

2006-11-23T08:30:00.000-08:00

2nd opinion = new R.E. Thankful for this community.

Well, I had my 2nd opinion talk with a second RE. It was enlightening. And I have to say thanks to this community for encouraging me to step out and get that second opinion. Seems that this RE would have done the surgery last month when he felt I had at least 3 possible eggs that were of an appropriate size- and he feels that the mix up in the amount of lupron I was taking was a factor and that I was most likely over supressed. This information I kind of expected-- but what suprised me was that he said for this last cycle he would not have started it-- my E2 was 103, he says he would have given me something to lower my E2 level as he never stims unless the E2 level is below 70. Hmm, now that is news. He also expressed some concern about my previous RE's urging to use donor eggs. He says that since I have never actually made it to IVF that he has no information to base the quality of my egg on and he'd rather get me to an completed IVF cycle so we can at least evaluate the egg quality to determine if a donor egg is required. He felt that being a slow responder to the drugs does not mean that I can't have bilogical children- it just means I respond to the meds slowly.

He talked to me for alittle over an hour-- and one of the very first things he did when we began to speak was give me his email. He wants me to ask questions and he said he answers his email 3-4 times a day. I also took some time to speak to a friend I have who used a DE to conceive her child. She was incredibly encouraging to me to really step out and explore my options- if I want to have a biological child then I should try that as long as I want to-- because I have plenty of time to have a DE child. Hmm, never considered that. It all has felt a bit that time was grinding down on me. It's nice to have been given a level set so I can step back and get some breathing space.

So what is my plan? Yes, of course I have one. The new RE suggested taking December off because my body seems to react better to cycles that are every other month as opposed to back to back. I like this idea because my body is clearly confused about what cycle we are in. I should have started my cycle 4 days ago according to my last RE. I figure it is late because we stopped the meds part way through the cycle. So there you have it. I am taking December off, relaxing during the holidays and the starting up in January. Very cool.

2006-11-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

So we opted to not do the IUI this time around- and both DH and I feel really good about not spending the 500-1000 bucks on this round to be faced with a BFN. I know, I know, I am way jumping the gun and I'd like to say that I am totally open to a miracle occuring- and I would even consider having the child studied for resilient characteristics and amazing survivor skills-because the sperm are basically going to be travelling up the blocked canal then they get to the top to find that well, the door is closed, so then they have to go back down that canal and up the other one to get to where they can meet the egg.
Could it happen? I have no idea- and I am not ruling it out. Logic says that this cycle is a wash and even though I am told the meds leave my body 24 hours after entering it-- I wonder if I was still alittle too supressed to do anything this cycle-do the meds really leave my body after 24 hours?

And then a part of me wonders- what if I just ever can't. I know, I spoke the words that many infertiles think and don't speak because what if it is true? I met this woman a few weeks ago and she did not have a uterus. Just. never. had. one. No biological kids forthcoming pretty much ever- and she seemed totally fine with it. Totally fine. I kind of want to go back and tap her on the shoulder and ask her how she does that. Is it because the opportunity was never there so she didn't allow for the possibility of it? Some days I am totally fine with this and think, we'll be one of those couples who travels alot (after we finish paying for the infertility treatments when we are old) and other days, such as this one I just can't imagine getting over it.

And then I think of the whole donor egg thing that my RE talks about as though I haven't heard him and I just don't think I can carry some strangers egg- it feels weird to me. I think about the adoption process and how long and incredibly expensive it could be-- and really there does not seem to be a good solution. I admit that sometimes look at my fertile friends and think, hmm, they would make a good donor and would I be ok carrying their egg? And then I think, how on earth did I get here? Normal people don't have these kind of thoughts. Can I blame the hormones for egg envy? DH will say that I have got to be PMSing because normally I am a sane person. I kind of wonder if there might be link between insanity and infertility because it does not bring out the sane side of me.

I went ahead and made an appt to talk with another RE- thanks for all your advice ladies, I most appreciate the guidance.
I have that appt in a few weeks and ought to be able to chat with him, make a future plan if I want or stick with the guy I am going to. In the meantime, I will forge ahead and hope for a miracle.

2006-11-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

Instant Replay. Let's watch that again.

So yup, met with the RE last night. I thought for certain he'd be sending us packing- 4 failed attempts to get to IVF-- only one got close where I had 7 follies-- though 2 of them got large enough within the duration of the meds- and we did have the wrong lupron dosage that cycle-- could have made a difference or not...really no way to tell and I did ask about that- he said it could or could not have made a difference. Still no apology. Um, ok, I don't think we will be getting one.

First the RE talked to us about our options. Instant Replay of the same meeting I had in July, except this time my DH and mother-in-law were along for the ride. It wasn't really a conversation- and maybe because he does this all day long he is used to doing a set paragraph of speaking -- I tried on an occasion to interrupt or interject between the pauses for a breathe and he just continued the flow of his speech. Hmm, I'd give a lower rating on interaction though maybe he continued this dialogue for the sake of the DH and MIL that were along for the ride this time? I don't know. He says my options are to try again next month on day 3 of my cycle-- or to take a break and try again later. He also started down the DE (donor egg) route and I give him some credit that he was able to clearly read the signs between DH and I and the word No spoken, and let the topic drop after completing his paragraph on it. Yes, I know the chances of sucess would be higher if I used the eggs of a 20 year old. Yes, I know I am way older than 20 and moving towards my reproductive end- but I just am not ready to put the egg of someone I don't even know into my womb- sorry, I am just not there yet. I don't know if I will ever get there.

They asked me to stim once more last night and then take a HCG shot on sunday and IUI on monday-- I told them I'd let them know --this seemed to suprise them. Yeah, I know, they seem suprised alot lately. I explained that we don't really see the point of the whole IUI on monday because the one follie is on the left side- which we all know is blocked and so our chances of sucess with IUI are about as good as going at it naturally. We might as well have some fun with this and save the money but I'd call this weekend after DH and I discussed it. I think they may have forgotten about the left side being blocked. Understandable because lots of folks go through there daily and it's hard to keep the specifics of each patient in mind. I don't know.

2006-10-30T19:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here is the latest. I have to admit I am alittle suprised by the course that my RE took-- but they have asked me to come in on Friday so I ought to start compiling questions now. First I will give you a bit of back ground so you know where I am in my cycle. I started my stims on saturday the 21st-- and I started spotting for my period on the same day-- my period appeared on the 22nd. My next ultra sound was on the 26th- which would be day 4 of my period-- and day 5 of my stims.
Then I went in for a second u/s today which is day 8 of my period or day 9 of the meds. Today's ultra sound showed 1 follicle on the left side. That's it. Nothing else-- and mind you-- if we are adhere to a normal cycle I am not due to ovulate until sometime next weekend. The RE's office tonite called and told me to stop taking all meds flat. That this is a failed cycle and to come in and see the doctor on friday. Hmm, I ought to be ovulating that day. The nurse that called said that I am not responding to the meds after being on them for 9 days... so here is my question to you-- can I make follies while I am having my period-- how exactly does that work?

2006-10-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was my blood work and ultra sound. I got the call at noon-- the earliest the clinic has ever called me. Nothing is happening and they were alittle suprised by this. Hmmm, well I am still in my period so it kind of makes sense to me-- but I am alittle uneasy they were not in sync with this--especially because I went in on saturday and told them I was waiting for my period still. They did my b/w and u/s that day then called me later and told me to start the meds. They started me early with the "microdose that wasn't really" cycle so I assumed they were just starting me early because I take so dang long to get going. I go back in on monday so I am hoping for some good news-- though I have to say that some of my optimism is wearing off.

2006-10-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

So I am back from a lovely tropical break where I was fortunate enough to experience a earthquake, a power outage, then torrential rain which brought mudslides and flash flooding. It got better- after we left that particular island and flew to a diffferent one. And we can now joke that it was earth moving... and a bit of a rocky start to the trip.

So back to the business of being again. We are on day 5 of the meds. This time it is a bit of a different protocol. Currently I am on 3 vials of men*pur in the morning and 3 at night. They are 75s-- so that means I am taking 225 each time. No supression. Proably a good thing since I am still stinging from the over supression we did last time when they messed up my meds and were suppose to be microdosing me but had instead called in the full amount. Yeah, I know, It's going to take some time for me to be able to just let that go. Thought I had- but it is like a pea under my many mattresses-- just seems to be stuck under my skin a bit.

I have my u/s and b/w tomorrow and I ought to have an idea of how we are doing this cycle. Lots of hot flashes- so that is a bit new, and I am taking it as a good sign that something is happening. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling optimistic- because I am-- first I am told that I am low responder making only 2 egg, and it is suggested I use donor eggs... then I make 7 eggs but they don't actually grow to where we need them to because I am over supressed. Imagine what I can do without all the supression- yeah I don't expect to blow out the numbers and produce a ton of eggs- I mean I am realistic, but I am hoping I do at least as well as last time with all the little guys growing nicely in unison. Is that too much to ask?

Nothing much up other than that-- my feet are freezing all the time as I adjust back to living in normal weather and I catch up on the pounds of mail that seem to be getting delivered to my door. Has anyone else noticed that Xmas seems to now start before halloween? I am getting christmas catalogs in the mail now- and it is still october. Yikes!

2006-10-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well this will possibly be my last post before I go on holiday. A much much needed holiday involving pool side service and lovely food. Sunshine, warm weather and no cell phone. No email. No internet. No work. Can you hear the soft waterfall and soothing music in the background? Yeah, I could use a break.

When we come back I hop back on the bus and start another cycle. Mostly I am feeling ok, but I have to admit that the sting of the last cycle is still with me again. If your doctor's staff messed up your meds- would you trust them again completely? Could you go through another cycle with them and not feel like you needed to double check everything they said? Yeah, I am thinking about this one too...

2006-09-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty quiet lately. I figure I proably ought to just touch base and let you know what is on my mind lately. I hopped back on the work travel bus this week-- I have have quite a hiatus from it as I have been pushing any travel I might have back so I can deal with IVF stuff. Needless to say, the clock ran out and I am now faced with several trips coming that I can no longer put off. One one hand it's great- my mind gets a break from all this thinking and I can get my work done-- but on the other it takes a toll in having to adjust and then readjust my schedule to fit in the whole IVF thing around my work schedule and around what little social life I have.

We were not planning on getting back on the IVF bus so soon- on the other hand the numbers looked good this month and we finally figured out why last month was a bust. The temp physican assistant called in the wrong dosage of lupron. So my microflare lupron wasn't really a microflare ( a kind of quartering of the dose)-- it was more of a doubling of the dose. I am not happy about this, but honestly what options do I have other than to just suck it up and move forward.

2006-09-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

AF showed up today. It wasn't a suprise, exactly. She gave me little signs that she might be coming- a ravenous appetite for sugar of any kind, small pangs in that area, an inpatience for anyone driving, walking or talking within a 10 feet radius. The most telling sign was the sinking feeling. Like when you know that you aren't going to get the answer you want but you don't want to know it- so you pretend that for awhile longer it just isn't what you know it is. Then she shows up and arrives in full flowing glory. Definately no denying she is here. This would definately make me not pregnant. Again.

Not really much else to say about this. We are disappointed, no way not to be really- you don't go through all the effort of trying if you don't plan to suceed. When we started down the IVF path we truly were innocent. We honestly thought that we'd just pop into the RE's office, schedule the process and we'd be done with it and on our way to baby. We had no idea that we'd encounter problems that made it so we were not able to even get to the IVF process.

So we are sitting with the latest results. Not sure what is going to happen next. We'll stick close to one another, step back a bit and heal. Make plans to be with close friends and just take care of ourselves and remember that we have a life outside of the IVF one that consumes so much of our time.

2006-09-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

We can see the finish line. We have now lived through another round of bcps, shots, ultra sounds, blood tests, the pink mojo room and IUIs. We are in the 2 week wait.

The last post was hard. Crushingly hard- and I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the amazing support I received from it. The community of bloggers that I have shared this common thread with -- you have stepped up and held a space for me to
grieve and process and simply just feel. You have come from all over to express that you have felt the same as me- and while I don't wish this journey on anyone- thank you for letting me know I am not entirely alone. And a special shout out to the lone man who was so kind with his words -- and who makes an effort to share the male point of view in the struggle with infertility. Thanks to you for your perspective-it was so nice to have you re-affirm what my DH has been telling me.

We did not go into this last phase of the journey with high hopes. For us it felt like a huge let down-- and the whole process seemed to have grey pallor once we decided to do the IUI. Two days in a row we met at the RE's office to complete the task at hand. Both times we left with heavy hearts and how can we not- we have been on this path many times before with no different result. One tube working, plus age working against us--our chances of sucess are half what the average couple our age gets. It's a struggle to come to terms with this. I know it can be done. Fate landed me in the hands of a woman this week who has no ovaries- never has. She was at ease speaking about it as I wiggled in discomfort. It was a good insight and I wonder if she wasn't somehow placed into my life to offer a completely different perspective? I don't know- but I feel fortunate to have met her and had the opportunity to speak.

It should be an interesting 2 weeks. I am redoing my garden again-- seems to be an endless chore. I finally decided to give up trying to figure it all out-- I called an expensive landscape architect whose work I loved, figuring that it is better to just pay once and have a great yard- than to constantly have me redesigning it -- I reasoned that the cost of me putting in plants then discovering they really don't grow well there- killing them and then having to get more plants wasn't as cost effective as having someone who knows what to do work with the space. I thought that since I look at the yard daily- the vision of what is ought to look like may be skewed and that fresh eyes would revive my vision. The architect came over last night-- looked at the yard and explained that she really generally does larger projects and with our budget we could not really afford her services. She then went on to explain that she'd be happy to go through the yard with me and point out what she'd do if it were her project and I could take notes and then do the work or hire someone to do the work. She spent 2 hours with me--gave me the names of dozens of plants that grow in the spaces I had been struggling with- and basically redesigned my entire yard for no charge. I was speechless. How on earth did I get so lucky. I mean who does that? This person didn't know me from anyone- steps into my yard and decided to give 2 hours of her services to me. A small streak of sunshine began poking through our grey clouds. I can do this 2 week wait. And if it doesn't work out- I step up, greive, and continue with life. I feel hopeful. Cautiously so.

2006-09-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

Back to Plan B again. This is proably the most disheartening part of all the back and forth we have been through for the past week. The point where we finally reach a decision and take the trigger meds. We got 7 follies in total- but having spent the past few days trying to make them grow-- they just aren't. The two largest ones are continuing to grow and the remaining 5 are not getting to where we need them to be. No amount of chanting, candle burning, whale music or affirmations is going to make them move any faster. The good news is we got 7 follies so I know my body can make them-- this is way better than the 2 we came up with last go around. Bad news is that we are back on Plan B and doing IUI again.

DH isn't taking this so well- I think the >5% chance of this working is not encouraging and the fact that we keep trying this method and are getting no where with it. He feels it is kind of pointless. I can see his frustration and I know I shouldn't feel it- but I do- I feel like I am the reason we are not getting pregnant. He keeps saying it is not my fault- but how can I not feel a wee bit responsible for this. Would another woman be able to create life with him had he opted to be with someone else instead of me? I know, I am not suppose to think like this- but honestly, how can this not seep into my thoughts? How can I not be accutely aware that other women don't struggle like I do to have children.

It's not a done deal yet, I know this, and I know we have the rest of this cycle to see what happens with the procedures we will do over the next 2 days. It was a rough cycle overall with the higher dose of meds, the back and forth about which procedure would be the best for us and DH being gone for most of it. I can only hope that it all works, because honestly, I am just not sure I have another one of these in me.

2006-09-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have stopped sending emails to cyclesista to update my schedule. Why should we all suffer through the daily shift of the cycle protocol? What I thought would be IVF became IUI to then become IVF and now... well we just don't know what it is. Today the ultrasound revealed that I still have 6 follies. Whew, at least that part hasn't changed. They are 23, 19, 15 on right-- and 10,10,10 on left. So we are looking at 3 viable ones right now. It never occurred to me that they all would not grow at the same rate. Do they know that we are currently living in what is called the Participation Age? Ahh, yeah, that means we are suppose to participate.

So where does that leave me? I. have. no. idea. And instead of worrying about this- I don't care- ok, I really do, but I am currently too tired of thinking about this to think any longer and I want a break- I want to do all the things I haven't been able to do for this cycle--I want a hot bath with bubbles and a glass of red wine with dinner. I miss doing situps and ab work in Pilates class and I know I am not a patient person. I'm not. I am really not. It makes being patient all the more difficult. Ok, now that I have finished my daily whine- I am going to go back to waiting. I have no idea what will happen next- stay on meds and do IVF later this week, trigger and do IUI, or stay in this holding pattern and decide at my next ultra sound...

Um, how long can I stay on the stims before I start to look like a giant follicle myself?
**********************************************************************
Update:
Well Bless the RE for really wanting this to work as badly as we do, how totally cool is that? I know that we are paying the man to get us all knocked up but he is totally dedicated to the cause and I do find it comforting. He is going to have us do the meds again tonite and then ultra sound and blood work again tomorrow. He will talk to us tomorrow and decide the course of action then-- he is hoping we will be further along and can do the surgery on sunday.

2006-09-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

Which way am I going? I am utterly stunned and alittle confused, and I did alittle victory dance in the kitchen this morning.

I don't often dance in my kitchen but alittle celebration is in order today. My left ovary decided to come to the party. I have always been a little bit of a late bloomer. I am now looking at a right side of 19, 14 and 10 follies and a left side of 9, 8, 8 follies. In 2 days I have gone from 2 to 6 follies. And my left ovary suddenly decided to join in. I was starting to think the whole left side was a dud, with the blocked tube and all. Go late bloomers!

What does this mean in english? We are again switching back from IUI to IVF. Yes, Yes, I know I was just moved to IUI two days ago and now we are going back to Plan A. I am going to stay with the current stims I am taking and we go back on Thursday to check with another ultrasound and bloodwork. If all looks good then we have a retrieval date of saturday the 9th or there abouts. Did I mention that I got a post card in the mail from my regular OB/GYN to remind me to come in for a check up. Yeah, um, I really want to spend more of my life having yet another person up there? -- I am getting a wee bit too much traffic in that area- and if this all works- the OB/GYN will be peering up there soon enough. No need to rush it along- I don't think the view has changed in some time.

So there ya go. Back to Plan A. And DH gets home today! Yipee.

2006-09-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."- Henry Wadworth Longfellow

I went to do the U/S today- we are still at 2 follies. I am back at Plan B again. We will continue to do the stims and then later this week do IUI. For those of you who are not immersed in IF lingo, IUI is inter-uterine insemination. They just help the swimmers get on up there. The little guys still need to find the egg and do their business naturally. Now it doesn't seem like this would a difficult task- I mean after all we have taken half the journey for them by placing them in the uterus. Millions of little swimmers and 2 illusive eggs. Adding up to a less than 5% chance success rate.

It's a little hard to be optimistic about this process when we have done it before 4 previous times all unsuccessfully. But like the quote above indicates- there really isn't much I can do about the 2 eggs. I have not spoken to the RE about a new Plan A. I thought it might be better to wait. Don't get me wrong- I'd love to have a new plan A- but it seems disrespectful to call it a total loss before we have even done the IUI. I want to be fully present and do everything I can to make the environment a pleasant one. This way even if it does not work I will know I did what I could at the time. And I am a tiny tiny bit hopeful- and I want to be hopeful. For as much bashing as I give hope - and I freely admit there are days when I'd like to leave it at the door- but I need it, I need to have in my heart the belief that this will work, else why am I here.

In other news I have had several friends drop over with meals for me or have me over for dinner-- I am grateful for this. As you know my cooking skills go from "pretty awesome" to "I am scared to eat that" when I am on stims. My friends have rallied around me to help out and it is pretty cool to have a show of support and eat better this week than I have eaten in the past month. While I can survive on pizza, it's nice that this week I don't have to. And all I have to do is focus long enough to heat it up- so I have only had a few minor issues where I start heating the meal and then forget I was heating a meal and start another one. You could say I have a very limited attention span this week. I also contacted a gardener who is going to swap out my drip irrigation system to something less tasty so the sweet little pup will have nothing to chew on except his chew toys in a few weeks. I am thrilled about this- and though it will cost a little bit to do it, I think we will saving in the long run by not having to replace so many parts.

2006-08-31T12:05:00.000-07:00

How many dogs I own.
The number of times I have now tried for IVF #1.
The number of vials they took in blood this morning.
The number of shots I take every morning.
And every night...

Perhaps we want a drum roll here for added build up... yeah, the number of follies my right ovary is producing- with the left not doing a dang thing. 7 days on stims and 2 follies. And the left not doing a dang thing. The follies are currently at 11 and 7. Not my most impressive number really. Last time I had 3 follies ... and the left side not do a dang thing. Today I am crushed. For those of you unfamiliar with IVF, 2 is not a good number. Pretty much any number over 4 would be a good number. Most REs won't do the procedure with anything less than 4 follies.

Oh, I know, I will rally and recover but wouldn't it be nice to get some good news in the area of procreation for a change? In the mean time, I have the weekend before me- with more shots- we aren't giving up yet- we go back on sunday for more bloodwork and another u/s. I had not expected to respond so poorly to the meds- especially since the dosing is higher than last time. When they told me I had a low reserve, I somehow didn't think that as we continued to do this that my test scores would get worse. This type of rating is hard for an over acheiver.

So that is my day. Not a good one. But to quote bob marley "My feet is my only carriage so I've got to push on through..."

2006-08-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

Umm, I am sorry who's house is this? Oh, of course, yes, I see... you are the dog and we are all here for you.

I was home for lunch yesterday and as I walked into the kitchen and looked out the back to see the garden which is again being redone by me, I noticed something quite peculiar on my picnic table. I thought I'd snap a photo of it so you could all see what my lovely puppy apparently does when we are away from home. I suppose this is better than eating my sprinklers ... I can only imagine that this is what he does to rest when he is all chewed out.

The shots are going well. The red flush has stopped and other than a delicately sore tummy with tiny little bruises on it -- I am not really feeling the side effects of the stims anymore! I had a headache again yesterday- but bumped my DH out of his acupuncture appt and that helped a ton. I know, it's rude to take your partners doctors appts- but he was more than willing to give it to me and if I had not taken it I would not have gotten in this week- and this week, well, It's all about me. Let's just be really clear with that. I am in Me mode -it's all about my needs being met and I'd hate to be the person who cuts in line in front of me for anything I am waiting to do. Ok, I may be a tiny bit cranky still. But it's a good thing, DH says I am way way too nice most of the time. I even say please when I ask the dog to get down from whereever he has climbed. DH also has been teasing that I am the charlie dog when he is home. That he is alpha and the dog thinks he is beta and that I am charlie in the pecking order. He believes this is what the dog thinks... I am not sure the dog thinks about all this stuff as much as we do but we have noticed that as he gets older he is testing the limits.

My lovely neighbor will be helping me with my shots for the next 7 days- and I can't tell you how grateful I am to have the help. DH and I have the routine down pat now where I sit back and cover my eyes while DH picks a spot and injects the meds and then I get a little kiss at the end. It's very sweet and I will miss him dearly while he is away.

2006-08-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

Side Effects. I'll take a side of forgetfulness and if you could add some bruising- that would be great! Ok, I can't even guess where I am with my cycle in terms of cdXX. I have to tell you that I honestly think it is a side effect of the lupr*n- I mean in another week I won't even be able to remember to take the laundry from the washer and place it in the dryer. Days later I will discover the load of wet laundry sitting there. I can at least relax in knowing my time on the lupron is shroter than last time- either that or I have forgetten about it.

We started the stims last night. It's like the best of both worlds- I have my period with gnarly cramps and get to take stims all at the same time. I can't imagine what else my DH could possibly want from a partner- I mean he gets me way cranky from my cycle and now all the hormones and the emotions that go into it. The man is hiding outside building some home improvement project. I am pretty certain he is afraid to come into the house. I can't say I blame him, I am afraid to leave the house. The higher dose of men*pur makes my face red just like last time. I woke up feel alittle wheezy and I can't tell if it is from the meds or mild asthma kicking in from stress. It's gone this morning. So I don't really know how to gauge whether this is important to tell the RE or not. I mean the side effects list hives and trouble breathing as bad side effects where you need to call your doctor immediately. I don't call a red sunburnt looking face hives- but it would not be the best look for me regardless. And with the minor wheezing- I don't know. I mean if you get injected and have trouble breathing wouldn't it pop up immediately and not 3-4 hours after an injection? It's gone by morning and I know the meds make me alittle on the drama queen side so I'd like to limit my over-reactions to things if it is possible. Any thoughts on this?

Other than the IF stuff I am desperately trying to stay on track with my other home projects and trying to come up with something interesting to do to the home while DH is away.

2006-08-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

"I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working." -Austin Powers

So I know you are all waiting for what the mojo room looked like in the RE's office this go around. First, let me say this picture in no way represents the room they gave us. We arrived at the building having parked in the wrong building to find the building our RE works in is fully in construction on the first floor. No signs, no directory- nothing. So I walk up to the man at the desk and he looks at me and says 5th floor. Huh? How does he know where I am going? There must be 10 people in the lobby- are we all going to the 5th floor? So I ask, "how do you know where I am going?" and he says, "well, where are you going?" and I reply "ART" and he says "5th floor". Ok. I am guessing he either gets the same question alot or all bewildered looking couples go to the 5th floor.

We get up to the 5th floor, and are led to the mojo room. It is a closet. Or rather a pre-closet. The door leads to a small alcove and then to another set of doors which contains what we can only imagine are computers- I think they may have placed us in the server utility closet. How do I know this? The familiar whir of the computer hard drives and fans trying to keep the computers cool are going full bore. I spend half of my life in computer data centers- but I don't generally mix my work with my personal life- this is feeling weird. Smaller than any other room we have done this kind of thing in. The room contained one black office chair with a sterile pad on it- apparently only one of us gets to sit down. A tiny TV which would play a video if you so wished and they had 2 magazines. Yeah, sure, check out the videos. Umm. No I don't own a scarf to wear during this kind of thing. Does anyone wear scarves like this anymore? Click. We don't recommend the TV for anything other than a tension breaker and getting peels of laughter from sitting in a closet in a facility that specializes deposits. Major respect to DH and the other men that go through this- I can't say that I'd be able to do the same. He says it is asking so little compared to what I am going through- yet I can't imagine having the roles reversed and doing as well as he has been doing with all this.

So no mood music, no nice painting on the walls, and no shagadelic austin powers carpet or furniture- and I will never ever be able to sit in a large black office chair and not think about that day and the giggles that the experience created.
Should we ever win the lottery, I think I'd like to redecorate the mojo room and give the guys who do this alittle respect and more than one damn chair.

2006-08-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

Please make a deposit! Please remember to mail your deposit with a completed preprinted deposit ticket. We cannot accept cash, checks, traveler's checks, money orders, credit card checks or third party checks- only sperm will do.

Yeah, we got the phone call today. They'd like us to make a deposit so if something happens while DH is travelling then we can still move forward with the cycle. I kind of saw that coming and I was slightly prepared for it. I wasn't exactly prepared for the part where we have to do it all at the main clinic (2 hours away) and between the hours of 6-10am M-F only. Wow. Kind of a narrow window. How early do I have to get up for this? Again with the anticipation of the Mojo room- will this one have shag carpet and leather seating with mood music? Or are we back to a pink room with flowered pastel wallpaper and boom box playing music which inhibits the mood and still does not block out the people talking in the hallway outside.

We called and made the appointment as requested and DH is taking this all way way better than I thought he would. I love that he is willing to do this and not take a chance that something will come up while he is travelling. He is a dear man. I have also begun putting the word out to my local support team that should my ovaries freakishly respond to the drugs - I can't very well drive on down have them suctioned out and pop back home on my own- the clinic won't allow it. So I have put the team on alert to find out who is around and let them know the schedule. By the time we finally get pregnant- as I trust it is going to happen (else why on earth would I be doing this)- the entire neighborhood will have lended a helping hand. How many people does it take to get me pregnant? Hmm, that doesn't sound so good does it?

So a bit of a strange day- though I think I am getting use to them now. Yesterday it was accepting change- and today it is accepting strange. A bad poet- and I know it!

2006-08-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

Yup- always got to have a plan. So here it is.

Aug 22: Blood Test and U/S.
Aug 24: Start Lu*pron Microdose
Aug 26: Start FSH Stims- and stay on them for 9 to 13 days.
Oh My Gosh! I am on these things for nearly 2 weeks- 2 weeks of injectibles- 4 shots a day. What the heck is that going to do to my personality? What the heck is it going to do to my stomach? Did I mention I use to have a lovely stomach? It was just starting to look normal again... Maybe it is a good thing that DH will be gone for the last week. I am not sure I will want to be around myself. Ack, how will I eat?
I sense the indian take-out place will be most busy that week as I know cooking is not really in the cards for me. I will have to empty out the freezer and stock it with chunky monkey. I find the cold container resting on my bruised stomach comforting as well as the flavor soothing to my soul. Other flavors are acceptable so long as it says the word "chocolate" somewhere on the container. Funny how chocolate is a requirement in ice cream but not for anything else in my life.

Retrieval date is set for Sept 6th. This could change. Any of this could change. I am starting to get really comfortable with the delicate tentativeness this schedule creates. It's a bit like Mr. Toads Wild ride at disneyland. For those of you who have not yet had the experience of being on that ride- it a runaway car that takes you through several minutes of driving- where you think you are going one way and then you suddenly change course. It's strange that I have always liked the ride. Maybe I have alway just been comfortable sudden changes in the course of life.

I have major respect for the women who have done this more that once- this is not an easy process and I admit that it is most definately kicking my ass the longer I stay in it. I won't say that this process will be over come the 2nd week of september- I know better now and I look at dates with more caution. I started the IVF process in May- now here we are in August and I am still on it. I can't help but wonder if IVF#1 could possibly take any longer- but I am afraid to voice this fear out loud. The nice part about this next round of phase 1 is that I am feeling a great deal more sane going into it. I don't know if it is the blogging that helps- or the community-- maybe it is all of the those things. In any case, I am looking at this next step with more peace and anticipation than the last time we took this fork in the road.

2006-08-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

Hope crept through the window last night. I don't know if it came with the exhaustion I felt or if it slipped in while I was dreaming but I woke up this morning feeling hopeful. I am on day 2 of the patch-- I rather feel a bit as though I am on a boat again-- but this is nothing like last cycle so I won't whine about it. I was darn tired last night and put my pj's on at 6pm. I have a wrinkle now in my patch, at first I was alittle alarmed- and puzzled- I mean why the heck did the darn thing move? But now I look at it and I think "eh?". I won't be bothering to fix this, I mean, what am I concerned about getting pregnant?

I talked to the RE-- looks like we will start microdosing lupron on the 22nd and will do the major meds at a higher dose the 29th to the 6th. Now we can talk breifly about FEAR. I am not afraid of the drugs themselves- heck, this is old hat for us- we have been here before- but DH is going to be travelling from the 30th to the 6th- that leaves me alone doing the meds for a week. And it isn't just doing the meds alone that bothers me-- it is being alone that bothers me. Now normally I would relish the time alone- I mean the man steps out the door and I have some home improvement project in full go mode. I have been known to paint the house, remodel the office and yes, I even replaced his desk one weekend when he left town. But the
remodeling on IVF drugs thing just isn't going to work this round and I have a small fear about it. I mean the drugs do add a bit of drama to my personality and I worry that left to myself I will worry myself into a panic.

In any case, looks like the man will return the day we trigger and then we will be off to surgery the next day- and then back again on the 9th. This naturally cancels everything we have had planned for the early part of september- but I'd rather know now and plan for it than not.

2006-08-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

Well I got the call today... my FSH is 7.2 so we are all systems go! I think we have also found a solution around the bad reaction I had to the birthcontrol pill and we switched to the patch. Thus no nausea so far. Will let you know when I get my protocol-- so far I will be on the patch for the next 20 days- and then we begin IVF 1.99999 again.

2006-08-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

We are getting back on the bus.

Today is CD2 and that means that tomorrow is blood test day. We talked it over and decided to get back on the bus and try again.

I sent an email to the RE and let him know we'd like to do day 3 blood test and see where the FSH level is and that we want to try again. If our RE isn't comfortable with high FSH women then we'd like to see one who is- so if you know of an RE who specializes in high FSH women- please send his name my way!! I'll let you know how the blood test goes and what the plan looks like as it unfolds!

2006-08-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I posted- and I have had a really great few weeks getting back into the swing of life. Funny how if you spend all your time on one topic it grows larger and larger- and becomes so large that there is room for very little else. IF has sort of felt like that for me lately- and then as blood testing went from bad to worse- it grew and grew and so not having it as a daily topic has been a relief really. And here I am after having been travelling for work for the past week straight- alittle confused about time zones and which one I am living in, and tonite I find myself facing cycle day 1 tomorrow.

The telltale signs of cramps are rising up and it is with a welcome that I acknowledge my urge this afternoon to yell at everyone for moving to slow and for not having my urgency was indeed not jetlag as I had assumed- but the lovely personality shift that takes place somewhere between pre-day 6 and post day 4 every month. I'd like to think the pudge that seems to have settled in the middle section of my body is just alittle extra water weight that will shed right off me tuesday as I move into my cycle full swing- and that may truly be the case- however I'll add that the sodium I consumed in the past day is proably making it worse. I know, you are thinking how could I possibly know how much sodium I consumed- I mean what kind of freak would actually try and count that? I did. I don't normally do things such as that- but apparently what I now know to be a pre-menstrual attack while flying standby to get home- and going through 3 of our finest airports trying to get back just a few hours earlier to see my family- I began to count the sodium that I consumed that was printed on the back of the packages I ate - and we can just call those little packages... dinner.

I consumed over 2000 mg of sodium yesterday. It seemed to be in everything- and I tried to make healthy choices- the nuts, trail mix, crackers-- it all contained sodium. The dried fruit contained it. cookies contain- and yes, it would seem that turkey sandwiches also contain it. It was everywhere and as I snacked on whatever I could get my hands on while waiting for or riding on the next plane- I felt the puff meter of my body go up to where I felt like I had become the staypuff marshmellow man in size. It was a slightly conforting that should anything have happened to the plane- I might have had enough salt to create a buoyancy in a water landing.

Ok, so yes, Indeed- I made it home as a pudgy curmudgeon and am now faced with do I want to do my 3 day blood test and see what my FSH is this next cycle or shall I let it ride? Shall I step back on the bus? Hmmm. Well, tomorrow will officially be Day 1. I guess I will think about it and decide another day.

2006-07-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

100 Things about Me:

1. I am a computer geek.
2. I love what I do.
3. Most of the people I work with have incredibly short attention spans and the ability to carry on several conversations at once.
4. I think this is normal and can follow the conversation threads.
5. Sometimes I pretend to only know what they are talking about.
6. I use to think everyone would know- now I think no one knows what they are talking about.
7. I can't think of any food that is blue that I like- so it's not just the color.
8. I wake up every morning happy. My man thinks it is strange to be so happy in the mornings like that. I can't help it.
9. I have 2 dogs.
10. One came with the man.
11. I have more than 10 pairs of flip flops. you can never have too many sandals.
12. I sometimes try on clothing styles I know I will never wear.
13. I feel like it is trying on another personality. I always feel strange in ruffles.
14. I think I am alittle heavier than I'd like. I think all women feel this way.
15. I hit a spot around 1pm daily where I wish I had more time to get things done.
16. I love cooking.
17. Lately I can't get the hang of it though.
18. Last night I cooked the enchildas that I made earlier but I forgot I wrapped them in plastic wrap to keep them fresh and I cooked them with the plastic wrap on.
19. We had take out again.
20. My man thinks I have lost my memory since taking Lupron.
21. I am starting to think he may be right.
22. I have forgotten 3 appts in the last 2 days.
23. The words "I forgot" come from my mouth daily- sometimes several times.
24. When I was little my cousins showed me how to make a necklace with fireflies.
25. The memory still haunts me today- those poor little bugs.
26. I secretly want to train my dog in agility- but am afraid to because I don't want to become a "all about my dog" person.
27. I had a plan when I was 12 that I would graduate from college at 22, have an awesome career by 24, married by 26.
28. My life did not follow that plan.
29. I took the long way through college. And changed degrees several times.
30. I have a degree in English.
31. I got the degree in English because my college ex-boyfriend's mother told me that computer science was a bunch of hooey and that I should get a degree I can use and I believed her.
32. I now know why my father nicknamed that ex-boyfriend "idiot"
33. I can write a complete sentence, if I want to.
34. I took latin in college because I thought it was a dead language that no one knew how to speak.
35. I was floored when on the first day of class my instructor said "responde in latinae classae."
36. I never used the cliff notes when I translated "Ovid's Metamorphis" and I should have.
37. That latin instructor agreed to give me a passing grade if I promised to never take another course with him.
38. My favorite smells are lemon and lavender.
39. I can take or leave chocolate.
40. I love crossword puzzles.
41. I prefer to not read the instructions when I am trying something for the first time.
42. This did not go over well the last time I played a board game.
43. I like to look at other people's vacation pictures and make up what they were doing on holiday.
44. I keep my gardening gloves in the house because I am afraid that a spider will crawl inside if I leave it in the garden shed.
45. I know it is crazy but I can't help but think I somehow attract spiders. Why else would there be so many around my house. It has always been this way.
46. When I was little I use to bring spiders into the house and let them play on my hands because they tickled when they walked on me. I have no idea how my mother lived through all those spiders.
47. I took a green gardening class where I asked about my spiders and why I had so many. The instructor replied, " you don't have too many spiders, you don't have enough chickens."
48. I don't have any chickens. Nor are there any in my future unless we are talking about dinner.
49. I once dated three guys with the same name.
50. It was very very confusing because my roommate never took down last names when they called.
51. I don't recommend it.
52. I did not learn to drive til I was 21.
53. I am a terrible passenger.
54. I am even worse on a plane. And the irony that I fly every month as part of my job does not escape me.
55. I think when I am on a plane that it will hit turbulence and plummet from the sky to the ground.
56. On my first adult plane flight, my friends did test drives past the airport to see if I could get out of the car without hyperventilating.
57. I was dry heaving my way to the plane the day I left for vacation on that first flight.
58. I am much much better now, but have been known to cry and hold strangers hands and arms at turbulent moments.
59. I alway feel lucky that I meet so many nice people on planes.
60. My favorite flowers are dahlias.
61. I stayed in a hotel more than 25 separate nights for work last year.
62. I stay at the same brand of hotel because the room layout is the same everywhere and when I am gone that much- it is nice to know where the coffee maker is when I get up. Is that too much to ask?
63. I broke my toe twice this year.
64. I hate cleaning my house.
65. When I was growing up my brother was neat freak and filed everything in boxes. I stuffed it all under the bed whether it was clean or not. Now decades later- we are still exactly the same.
66. I prefer Tea to coffee.
67. I started drinking coffee when I was in 3rd grade and my growth was not stunted.
68. I like black licorice.
69. Romance to me is grocery shopping and running errands together.
70. I was proposed to on a beach in kauai
71. I accepted the proposal and I love my life with him.
72. I sing outloud with my ipod when no one is home. I know everyone does it.
73. I struggle with infertility
74. I always knew I would have a family late in life.
75. I just never thought it would be so hard to achieve.
76. I sometimes blame myself.
77. I hope to one day write a book about something useful
78. I use to write technical manuals. If I can write those I can write anything.
79. My parents are amazing people.
80. I don't call home as often as I think them.
81. My sister and I have determined that though we grew up in the same house our memories of the same events are contrastingly different, and I wonder if we maybe didn't have some twilight zone parallel family.
82. I don't watch cable TV
83. I watched it for hours every day growing up.
84. I guess I just had enough.
85. I never really knew my grandmother. My dad gave me a picture and I look like her.
86. My grandfather use to make donuts and cakes in the bakery he owned.
87. I miss his donuts.
88. My cousin once asked me how many dinosaurs were on noah's ark. This explains some about the fireflies.
89. I spent my 30th birthday in Paris.
90. I once made a college roommate cry because I lectured her about the dangers of tuna and dolphin killing.
91. I had no idea she'd take it so hard. I learned about moderation that week.
92. In high school I took geometry and cheated on every test. The teacher allowed re-takes. So I failed the first test, went over the test , then re-took it and got A's. The teacher merged the scores so I cleared it with a C.
93. When I finally got eye glasses and could see the chalk board, the subject made a great deal more sense to me. I thought everyone saw everything blurry so I had no idea I needed glasses.
94. For the first year that I wore glasses I thought if I took them off that no one could see me. (ok, give me a break I was in high school!)
95. My eyes are hazel/green.
96. I was date raped in college and it was not my fault.
97. I can always think of something to be grateful for. And in fact think of at least 3 things daily.
98. I started the habit during a time in my life I refer to as "the year of death" where I lost several relatives and a serious relationship in the same year. I never thought I'd break through and come up for air. I am stronger than I know.
99. Whenever I am sick, I am sure I am going to die alone and no one will know. I have no idea how that would be possible with the traffic in and out of the house .
100. Some days I want to be a cake decorator for a living.

2006-07-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

Another View

I have spent the day breathing in, breathing out, well, just breathing really- and I have had to make a conscious effort at that- I am not a happy camper and in the course of one phone call with my RE my whole sense of Zen snapped and I want it back. How on earth did I go from average IVF patient to high FSH maybe donor egg IVF patient. I talked with DH last night about the whole egg donation thing. The pineapple martini helped a bit to ease the sting of my FSH level not being what it should. And I admit it- I was kicking myself a bit about not having a lower number. Can you blame me? I mean I am a master test taker- I score well on everything I do- I excelled in college- I loved going to school and I would have never left if it were for the fact that I have to earn a living. For crying out loud, we take educational classes when we are on vacation!

We talked about the donor egg thing while making dinner. We aren't ready. We aren't ready to give up on us yet. We want a baby but we'd like it to have my ears and his eyes. My smile and his athletic ability. His wit and my laugh. Will we get all that in a baby? Maybe not, but we'd like to try and we are not yet ready to let go of that. So my nimble fingers did some walking - and isn't the internet a really cool thing? There are a few centers where they specialize in women with a high FSH. Now I'd like to think I am not going to get lumped into this high FSH category-- I mean heck, I just got here. My spelling scores have been way below the line for the past year- and why is it when you fail one test that's what everyone focuses on? Yetch!

So learning is good and I am checking around at my options- and we have them. We have options. And I get it. I really really get it. There is no quick fix. I can't just wander on down to the 711 and pick up a solution- what works for one of us may not work for the other. And it has taken me a few days of breathing to get to a place where I am more quiet with this. It may take longer to be completely at peace with it. But we have a new plan. I know you all were waiting for it. Can I get through a day without a plan? Why on earth would I want to do that?

So my plan is to do nothing this month. Nothing at all. Sit back and enjoy wine that I have lived in fear of drinking. I may stay away from the pineapple martinis because I woke up with a headache the next day after just one (Good grief, I have become a cheap date!). I plan to drink tea and coffee and triple mocha frappachinos or whatever the heck I want. And Eat sushi, lots and lots of sushi! Sit in Hot Tubs! I don't think I have sat in a hot tub for over a year! And I love hot water- oh, and bubble baths. I have so missed bubble baths... So there you have it. My plan is to have a life again. Continue my accupuncture because I like the place I go and they rub my feet. Continue taking my vitamins and continue taking care of my body. And in 23 days when my cycle begins- if I feel like it- Step in the door to the Lab and take the Day 3 FSH test and then decide what we want to do. We have options. And doing nothing is one of them.

So why another door? Well, when I last went to Europe I fell in love with the doors. I drove my travelling friends crazy because every time I would see a door I'd take a picture of it. I couldn't explain my fascination with doors then but I like that they are an entrance or an exit, that life is arriving or leaving- and it is always changing. My DH says he thinks the reason I like doors so much is because of what lies behind them- and that I can alway see through to the possibility. That I am unafraid to step into a door and see what life is handing me. I think it is that change is inevitable and with change one door closes and another opens. Life is like that, you step into the door way and it's all in front of you.

2006-07-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

What lies ahead?

I had previously been under the impression that I had covered just about all the issues I may face with infertility when I waded waist deep into the documents that we had to sign for the IVF process to take place.

It's one thing to vote on stem cell research and quite another when I have sign documents to determine what might be done with my remaining eggs should I produce too many. Destroy them? Donate them to another family who doesn't have viable eggs? Donate them to stem cell research? Freeze them? All very personal choices and a topic which I have no issues with in theory and it somehow morphed from this generic concept that may benefit me later in life to one I may have a direct impact in today.

How do I feel about pregenetic testing? Do I want to check for certain chromosome abnormalities before they implant the egg or 11-13 weeks after if the egg is successfully implanted? It's a lot to think about- and I really spent time thinking about all these IVF topics and many more I have not mentioned- determining how do I felt about them religiously, socially, politically and spiritually.

It took some time to get to a quiet place with all the IVF topics -- and let's be honest here- I have to- once those hormones hit and my emotions go flying- there is no reprieve to discuss issues sanely. For my own well being, I have had to be prepared for what may come next and have a plan so that when we get to that door- I know which one feels ok for me. I am fortunate to have a strong partner who I am ok defering the decisions to if I am not feeling up to making it-- I like that we are teamed and in sync with these topics.

We got the results from our blood test back. The pregnancy test came back negative as expected. No suprises there.
My FSH test came back suprisingly at 22. Let me repeat that number {{{{{22}}}}} Last month it was 8. That is quite a number delta- and not in a good way.

For those of you not familiar with the details of FSH testing- the score of 6 would be great, 8-10 decent, 10-14 still ok to work, 15-20 not looking as good, 20+ bad. It has to do with the viability of the ovarian reserve- and the ability of the ovary to produce a good quality and fair quanity of eggs. Already having been told that I had a low ovarian reserve I expected the numbers to be higher than 8. I was pretty darn pleased that I have been remaining in the 8-9 range most consistently with the blood tests I have taken for the past year, and I might have even been lulled into thinking that my FSH levels would not cause a problem in the whole scope of conceiving.

But Yup. you guessed it... the Dr. called today. He really is a nice guy- and his phone skills are improving as he gets to know me and we build a relationship. He knows I like to learn and research before a topic comes up- and what he'd like to do is nothing this month. Not even BCPs because I respond so poorly to them- and if he can save me a few weeks of misery by not being on them - seems like a kinder and gentler thing to do. I am ok with this. Heck, I am thinking I may even buy a lotto ticket the conversation is going so well.... He will recheck at next cycle (that would be pretty much 23 days to the day for me.) And if everything looks good and my FSH isn't wacky then all systems are go. And knowing my penchant for research he wants me to consider ovum donation as a topic to start delving into. Aaaaccck! My body is working against me this week.

I am not at peace with this concept yet (can you tell I am freaking out?). I don't know what it is about it that doesn't sit well with me-- partly I am sure that it is a new concept and not one I was emotionally braced for before it was sprung on me. I guess it is again that it is something I have no problem with in theory but when we are talking about putting a donated egg in my body- well, that just feels entirely different- more personal, and while I am not arguing that it is an awesome thing- I am not so sure we are personally ready for this. Not like they talk about this in my human sexuality class at college!

Ok, so that is where we are at today. I had no idea it was going to be such a thought provoking day. I think I will just sit with this one for awhile.

2006-07-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

The dog that eats my sprinklers. Looks so harmless doesn't he? I have also discovered he eats my strawberries- which is why I never have any on the plants. Just wanders over to the bush, sticks his little nose under the leaves and hoovers any available strawberry that may be growing there. Little pig.

This will be a short short blog today. Yesterday I stayed in, took care to get plenty of quiet time and allowed myself to grieve the arrival of a new cycle. My DH was supremely supportive and wandered out during the day to supply me with junk food and my lovely neighbor brought me over some food from the party she was having next door that I was just not up to attending. I wanted to be there- but I just couldn't face all the people. DH and I hung around the house the whole day and he gave me with an endless supply of hugs, cuddles, kisses and supportive words to let me know that he loves me beyond anything. I can't ask for anything better in a partner. The dog and I made up as well- and my sprinklers remain intact and fully functional.

So here is my question of the day: How do you cope with a negative result? Do you view it as a loss or are you able to just move through it? I thought I might collect some tips so I can be better prepared moving forward!

2006-07-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" --Dr. Seuss

I was feeling mostly optimistic this past week- and thought as I began the remaining 3 days of a 2 week wait that this really isn't so bad. Yesterday was a particularly weepy day for me- not nearly as weepy as others but yeah, I cried while watching a star trek movie that I wasn't even really watching. I began spotting yesterday and tried to remain positive. By evening I was positively starting my cycle. It's actually 1 day later than I suspected it may be- I have an abnormally short lutenizing phase- it runs about 10 days on average- and is an apparent point of contention with the dr who insists is is suppose to be 14 days. Yup. I'd love for it to be 14 days. It's not. Never has been. But I got 12 days this go around if I round my numbers up. Yes, I know- some people have their periods when they are still pregnant. I am not one of those people. I am still going in on Monday for the blood test- it will be cycle day 3 (cd3) for me. And I will just say it out loud, "I am disappointed and I am sad'. Not much I can do about it other than take a little time to grieve, take care of myself and move on.

I'll proably be alittle weepy and quiet all weekend. We have alot going on this weekend- I just don't know if I am up for it, I just want to hang out and be quiet. We talked this morning about what to do next. My clever doctor already discussed a Plan C with me to move back to Plan A. Nice- we have attained a Full Circle and are back at the begining of it all. So it will look something like this:

Monday: Beta Blood Test/Other Blood Tests/Possible Ultra Sound
Tuesday-Thursday: Cry, Walk, Work, Sleep
Friday: Begin BCPs (with Zofram so I don't throw up an entire week again).
Remain on BCPs for 20-25 days possibly longer with ultrasounds and cysts checks weekly at least.
Somewhere around day 25 or so- begin IVF drugs again and prepare for IVF #1, Take 2.- approximately 10-15 days later.

The bright side of this is with a 5% success rate using the IUI method- we weren't hoping for much- but it is disappointing that even with 2 eggs looming around in there- that the little guys and the eggs did not make a connection. Maybe it is just me looking at the ultrasounds- but the eggs look huge- I mean how on earth could you miss them? Seems like they'd take up the entire pathway coming down the tube and the little sperm would be running for their lives like that boulder scene in the first Indiana Jones film. No where to run so they'd just get picked up in a snowball effect. I rather worry that I have squished them all and that is why it didn't work. Not really the case though is it? Why do I suddenly feel as though my fallopian tubes are as wide as a interstate freeway?

Ok- so there is the plan- and I admit, I am grateful we went over an alternative plan to begin the initial plan again before I got my period and rationale thought left the building. I can't imagine having to make a decision now when I have spent the morning arguing with the dog who can't really even speak. Yup. My dog and I are having a spat. He can be a sweet little dog and perhaps the beginning of the spat is our fault- we let him on the bed last night to snuggle with me when I was feeling sad- he now believes it is his bed. He is quite huffy I closed the bedroom door and is giving the drip sprinklers the eye right now. I sense he plans on having plastic tubing for his mid morning snack today.

When I started down this IVF path- I had this vision that we'd just do it- we'd be in and out- and bam pregnant- just like that. I never imagined that delays were even possible and that even with all we know that our bodies are still a bit mysterious. I like that I am still alittle mysterious- but I'd have preferred to run on schedule with the initial plan. I hate being late. I always joked that I am genetically unable to be late. I am usually 5-10 minutes early everywhere. If I am late, my friends think something serious has happened to me. 15 minutes late is not possible and everyone who knows me well will tell you I just don't run late. Apparently my cycle shares this same need for punctuality. At least we are in sync.

So I have 2 days left in my time off. Today will be gardening, walking the dog once we make up and he agrees to not damage my drip irrigation tubing and maybe a visit to the neighbors if I feel up to it. A quiet day and cancelling some stuff for next week because I know I won't be up for it.

2006-07-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

Full Circle

I have the week off work. It was really a kismet that the IVF process was suppose to take place this week and I thought I would be home filling my days with movies, sleeping and having quiet time. The shift of IUI was welcomed but has left me with a week where I have no set plans. I am a planner. I like to have a schedule. I like to know what is happening at all times. Full Stop.

I am adjusting to the fluidity of the week and I have to say that I am even getting into the "no plan" thing a bit. I just get up every day and do whatever strikes me. I rather thought I might fill the week with spa treatments but I have self-foiled any possibility of this happening. I have spent the past month healing from a broken little toe and I was looking forward to getting a pedicure. Nothing pleases me more than gentle rubbing of a foot massage. I had taken off my toe nail polish the week before having read somewhere that all polish should be removed before the IVF process. I have no idea why this is required- but figured- having unpainted toe nails during surgery is asking very little so I might as well go with the flow. Well, now I have unpainted toes- and my toe which was healing up so nicely- was rebroken again when I tripped a day ago. Yes, I know - it is a skill to be able to break the same little toe twice- and I might add it truly does hurt more the second time. No pedicure in my future I think.

I'd settle for a massage to soothe and relax me. Get me fully into this time off. Yesterday I wandered on over to the home of my best friend since 3rd grade. I too find it amazing that I met her in 3rd grade and she has consistently remained a best friend through out all these years. I don't think we planned it- and we did have plenty of times where were were on hiatus from being active in each others lives. Life is cyclical afterall and we all ebb and flow in and out of one another lives naturally.

Ok, so back to the story. I arrived in time for lunch with the kids (Bagel Pizza and Homemade German Chocolate Cake- I love vacation days) and after lunch the kids played in the pool. It is a self standing temporary pool. Her parents had one that was similiar when we were little kids that we played in. These are much much more high tech with filters and what not but the concept is still the same and I have to admit that watching the kids play in the pool that afternoon brought back all these cool memories from our time when we played in the pool as kids. It was a nice full circle and I wonder if her parents had the same feelings when they watched us play in the pool? We laughed that we made it through childhood with out killing ourselves as our invention of a "slip n slide" was running the hose water and dishsoap down the smooth cement patio.

It was a relaxing day of talking talking and more talking at the pool. A gentle reminder that sometimes doing nothing and having no plan is a perfect day. I wore sunscreen- but not enough as I ended the day with a tiny burn- that seemed alittle redder and much larger upon my arrival home. I have been dousing myself with aloe- and despite the fear of bathing with a sunburn, managed to get into the water this morning with very little sting! Whew. I think I will skip the massage all the same- I don't really want anyone touching my sore beet red legs-and I feel like I got the relaxation part taken care of - a day of just doing nothing and talking and connecting- and it didn't cost me money to get relaxed. I can't really bring myself to make plans the rest of the week now. Maybe I won't ever make plans again. Ok, maybe not for the next few days. I am a planner. But I think I can plan to not plan.

2006-06-29T06:17:00.000-07:00

When
is
Life
Perfect?

I am a closet paint by numbers fan. I admit it freely- and this is my first public admission. No one is really aware that I do this- even my DH hasn't really seen me paint- I do it when he is out with the guys and I need alittle peace and quiet. It's alittle like meditation for me- I just get into a groove and the time flies. This is the picture I have been painting now for close to 3 years.

I was travelling in paris one summer and very inspired by the artwork. We just been out to see Monet's garden and it was in full bloom. While I have some artist skill I have never felt comfortable using canvas. I have painted on walls, fireplaces, porch floors and driveways- but never a canvas. I wandered into a department store and there was this paint by numbers painting. I had no idea it would be difficult- and I initially got it thinking I would pass it along to my niece. Unfortunately when I spoke with her (or fortunately for me really) , art really wasn't her thing so I figured I would give it a try myself. It's alot harder than I initially thought- and the numbers are written on the canvas are really really small. Some days I wear reading glasses when I am working on it so I can read the tiny light brown numbers on the canvas. I have to say that I never thought it would turn out looking so decent- and my goal has been to complete it and have it framed. Then I plan to send it to my friend who I travelled in France with- and who gave me hours upon hours of teasing because I bought a paint by numbers canvas in France and hauled it all the way home.

Believe it or not, I actually learned a great deal about life from this paint by numbers picture.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes.
Don't be afraid to not follow the directions- they are really more like guidelines anyhow.
Mix it up a bit- color is the foundation of life but we don't all see them the same way.
Exlpore and try new things.
Different isn't bad, sometimes it is just different.

Funny what you can learn from a paint by numbers. I like the first one the best- I can't even find the mistake I made in the picture so far and I confess that sometimes when I was working on it and I got tired- I used the color I had on the brush whether that was the color I was suppose to use or not.

Anyhow, overall I think the thing I enjoy most about painting it is that I get be comfortable with not having perfection. I'd like to be perfect- but I'm not. What I love about being creative is that perfection is what the finished project looks like to ME. I have a hallway in my house that I painted years ago. The paint is uneven, streaked and I even got splotches of it on the ceiling. DH walks through the hallway and shakes his head in exasperation- that I have not yet fixed it. The thing about it is... the color is perfect. I love the color of my hallway- I don't even get bothered the terrible paint job. It has a perfection all it's own and I like that when I walk through it I not only get to revel in the color surrounding me- but I am also reminded that life isn't perfect. It's not a bad hallway to walk through as I head out the door and into the fray of living.

2006-06-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

No Austin Powers Mojo Room?

I'll first begin with my exciting visit to the ER this Sunday. Second time in my life I have ever been to the ER or to any hospital really at all except to visit friends who were there. And I have to say that the people who work there are incredibly nice. I have no complaints about it at all- they were professional and really made sure I was ok. It was a very pleasant experience. So why did I pop on over to the local ER this weekend?

Well yes, a bit of a story really-- I had had a headache most of the day and figured it was from the escalating hormones- I had done my HCG shot the night before- and I figured the headache was a side effect of that. I really didn't know. DH had come home the night I was doing the HCG shot and he was feeling poorly but I figured it was dehydration because he'd been in a race that day and he always alittle dehydrated when he comes home. The dog was sick that night too- but it wasn't until much later that I discovered why. The neighbor across the way gave me my trigger shot (barely a day goes by when I don't feel fortunate they are so close and so open to sharing our lives in this great of detail) I mean who woudl not want nieghbors like this? In any case, I got feeling worse as the day continued- but figured I'd just move through it eventually. I didn't and ended up spending a large portion of my evening huddled on a towel in the bathroom being sick. I called the IVF Dr. since I was undergoing IUI in the morning and I was unable to keep anything down and had been unable to for several hours. I admit that combo of hormones and being sick are not good for me. Lately I have been sick a few more times than I like and when the stomach is in a funky way I feel as though I am going to die, alone, and no one will find me. I am not a normally dramatic person (or perhaps I am and no one is telling me the truth?) and DH would eventually come home and find me- so I know this isn't reasonable. I mean it is not as if he leaves and only visits me weekly, the man appears each night for dinner and has consistently for 3+ years now. So being sick, and the whole dying thing when I am can be attributed to the hormones I think.

The Dr. I normally work with was not available but one of the other Drs. called me back and suggested I wander on down to the ER and have them look me over in case there is something wrong. It was a kind of yes go, wait maybe not, no,no you shoudl go kind of conversation. The neighbor rang at about that moment to check on me (can you believe her timing?) and off we went to the ER. DH was called on the way- since he was in the next town over. I know he really wanted to take me to the ER himself- but it doesn't make sense- I mean he is 30 minutes away and the neighbor is right here. The neighbors hubby walked me over the car and hugged me goodbye- he was very nice, I kept wondering if he knew something I did not and maybe I was not coming back home :). Why did he hug me goodbye?

So off to the ER and it was good I went - they stopped the stomach thing- and headache-- and rehdrated me with an IV drip. Also did a check to make sure the ovaries were still all happy and not over inflated. DH showed up and swapped places with the neighbor. They did a beta blood test which was 478. The ER doc had no idea what make of it. (It means the hcg shot absorbed into my system really well!) He called the IVF doc and my regular guy answered this time. They agreed on the protocol to address me and then he asked to speak to me. He said " Your fine, they will do an ultra sound and then you will go home" . I think he meant it to sound reassuring but it came off sounding more patronizing. This of course could be due to the fact that I was hormonal and throwing up- a lethal combo for interpreting behavior overall. And the thing about it is- his phone skills are not the best in normal circumstances- but he is quite good in person. Kind of a hip guy who wear sneakers, likes to shake my hands and do high fives. Male bonding at it's finest and I am warming up to him- he is a bit eclectic, but we are told he is very good and in the long run we don't really care whether he has the personality of a sponge (he doesn't) if he is good at what he does.

Ok, so the end of the story- yeah I am getting to it. We left the ER hydrated no longer feeling ill and by the time we left I think we were the only people in there who were not escorted in by the men in blue(police). How odd to work in an ER really-- One of the guys who worked there was telling me when he first started he didn't more than 1 beer for the first 2 months because he saw so much in the way of alcohol related illness!

Did I mention the dog ate was sick on saturday night at 4am? Yeah, I possibly didn't mention why he was sick? My poor sprinkler system seems to suffering the most from it all from these chewing bouts he goes on. He ate more of my drip irrigation- the part right near my lovely roses who won't look so lovely now that he has eaten their water supply. Aside from the drip irrigation tubing the dog has a affinity toward refrigerator magnets as well. We are beigning to think he like black palstic in general- though I have seen him consume a plastic toy motorcycle in one bite. I do wonder if one day we'll come home and he have hoover'd the whole outside of the refrigerator clean of magnets. I took out pet insurance on him when he was much younger figuring that with his hoovering skills he will possibly one day eat something that does not pass on through to the other side. I am not looking forward to that experience- but he is good practice for babyproofing the house.

Ok, so on to the good stuff. We did the IUI yesterday and everything went smoothly. Such a huge relief from the weekend- and the woman doing the IUI part was flawless in her technique. No pain, so bleeding, no cramping, no tears- much different from the past IUIs we have had. Though I mistakening thought that when we went to a larger fertility clinic that they would have a room dedicated for the men- you know, to offer their homage to us women to use in the process. A sort of mojo making austin powers kind of room with black furniture and a TV playing the porn channels. To ease the process along. No such mojo making room, no black leather sofa, no TV endless spewing the porn channel, no porn at all. We got a pink examination room covered with soft pastel flowers and a boom box playing rap music and we could not figure out how to change the channel on it. And they asked us to lock the door and put a do not disturb sign on the outside. Like no one knows what we are doing in here? I can't imagine they use that sign for anything else! Credit to DH for being able to handle it all so well. I doubt I would be able under the same circumstances were the roles reversed!

So now we are in for the 2 week wait. Can I wait 2 weeks for the blood test- Will I give out to the evil pee stick tests that I can not read half the time anyhow? We'll see. I had to start buying the exact same OPK's (that is ovulation predictor kits for those of you not into the lingo) because I found the different brands move the control line- so I am looking at the tests and I get a solid blue line- only to discover (several days later) that I am looking at the control line and not ouvalting but I have been keeping DH busy- and will now need to keep him busy because the corrected line says it is time. He was not complaining about it but it was a tiring month or two until I settled into one brand with the lines in the same place each time :)

The doctor was far more encouraging today when I went in for a check up --He initially gave me a less than 5% sucess rate with IUI's but he says that with my numbers the chances look higher than that. I have no idea how much higher- but with any luck this will stick and we'll finish this journey and move onto the next.

2006-06-24T13:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have been Tagged!

I was tagged by KAC (see my links) - thanks. This ought to keep me out of trouble for awhile!

7 things I'd like to do before I die:

Tell all the people who have touched my life how much they have truly meant to me.
Take DH to Paris on an Musuem trip because I know he'd love the art musuems as much as I do.
Have one of my funky business ideas click and become a reality.
Write a book that makes people laugh or helps them.
Figure out how to be the alpha in training my dog. I currently think he is winning.
Swim with Dolphins- though I worry that this is far more exciting in mind than in person- and I don't want to come out smelling like a big fish.
Learn to cook amazing meals that I want to eat. Wouldn't going to the Cordon Bleu school of cooking be awesome?

7 Things I can't do:

Sing in Tune
Follow Directions on a recipe. ( I am all about short cuts...)
Clean and organize 1 room in entirety without walking into another and starting to work on it too.
Keep my desk clear for more than 3 days.
Curb my optimism about everything.
Say No and not over extend myself (but I am learning...)
Watch scary movies without knowing the ending.

7 Things that attracted me to my Husband:

I have never laughed as much as I do with him.
He is the nicest person I have ever met.
He likes live theatre (plays and such) more than I do.
He plays board games- even plays scrabble- though he says he's a bad speller.
He eats my cooking and likes it.
He asked me out on a second date on the close of our first one- for the very next night! Decisive :)
He listens to me.

7 Books that I love:

Wow, this is a tough one- I read so many darn books- and then just toss them along- these are the ones that I still have lying around so
I have read or referenced them several times.

Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris.
Most anything written by Shakespeare
A Christmas Carol by charles dickens ( Read it if you have not- it is quite funny)
Harry Potter Books by JK Rowling
The cook books by Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger
Anything written by Dr. Seuss
Illuminated Prayer by Marianne Williamson

7 movies I'd watch over and over:

Shakespeare in Love
You've Got Mail
Wallace and Grommit The Curse of the WereRabbit
The Old Scooby-Do Where are you cartoons from the 60-70s.
Any of the Documentaries by Ken Burns
Indiana Jones Raider of the Lost Ark
An Italian Job

7 people I'd like to tag- because I love reading their blogs- and they some don't really know me they have inspired me in some way:

paula @ life of pixee
zhl @searching for zanity
sube @ waiting for crumbcake
beagle@fortune cookie follies
jamie@babywait
hopeful mother
utrus@adventures in IVF

2006-06-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

Day 35: Last Day of Stims!

DH has been administering shots to me 3 times a day for the entire week- and he's really catching on to doing it. Tonites shot-our very last one- was almost painless. The entry was perfect, if it hadn't of been for the solution which stings a bit I'd have not noticed I was getting a shot at all. We bungled the exit manuever alittle bit- normally he takes the needle out and then places the alcohol pad over the insertion point and I hold it there to stop any bleeding. Tonite he did the same thing but presses down a bit on it- a bit of an ouch- and so I don't recommend doing that :)

I have been pretty lucky overall with very little side effects from the drugs. I think my face was strangely red for part of last night- and it looks alittle red again tonite. Some fatigue, bloating, and my tummy looks like it had a really rough week with the holes and some bruising- but I am thinking I am overall pretty darn lucky!

We did the ultrasound and bloodwork today- and the three little follies are still there- we are now at 10, 15 and 17 for size respectively. For all practical purposes- I basically have 2 follies to work with. The smallest one isn't going to grow to the appropriately needed size by the time we proceed with plan B. Yes, this is the first time I have mentioned a plan B.
We didn't have an Plan B until just a short time ago when the dr. called and suggested we not do IVF this month and instead do IUI. IUI is now the plan B. It is the practical decision- and we have alot going in our favor-- we have 2 follies which could get lucky and it is the right side- the fallopian tube on the left was possibly blocked and so at least I know that we stand a chance with the right side. The only thing that bothers me alittle is that we have tried this method before and not been lucky with it- and I do dread the 2 week wait time. I guess I was kind of looking forward to the whole petrie dish part of IVF where I would know the fertilization was taking place before I got them back and it was one less thing for me to do.

So the plans changed. Change is good. I was posting to some friends that really all I have to do is find a way to inspire the little soliders to come on up the right tube to meet the follies. Mood music. Frank Sinatra " Come fly with me" or "I've got you under my skin" I am sure the people reading my blog who are not familiar with infertility topics must thing I am bonkers. I realize the mood music is not going to make the sperm march up the fallopian tube and greet my fat follies, but do I really have to serious about this whole process? I don't think it is necessary. Oh, "Ain't no moutain high enough"
Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell- Good One! Any suggestions on mood music to inspire the soliders?

2006-06-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

Day 33 This is going better than I planned

We have 6 days of stimulants under our belts! Ha. That was kind of a literal bad joke since we are having to do the subcutaneous injection right near the belly button. I don't think normal people are going to get my humor now- and DH and I have been laughing at pin cushion jokes every time we have to do the injection process. It's nice to giggle a bit through it, but hard to stop on command when he has to actually inject the needle.
Today I had my blood tests and ultra sound and accupuncture too. It has been day filled Needles.

The ultrasound results are not as great as I had hoped. I have 3 follies on my right side- sized 8, 10 and 15 respectively. We need the 8 and 10 to grow fast- and the 15 to slow down a bit and not become a dominant follie. We have nothing happening on the left side- be nice if it kicked in and produced a few follies as well. I'd hate to have the right ovary go to the party alone! The bloodwork results are good and I go back again for another utlrasound and blood test on Friday. Please take a few minutes out of your day and say alittle blessing for my ovaries-it sounds like they could use alittle help.

Other than feeling a tiny bit disappointed that I don' t have as many follies as I'd like - I am still in good spirits. These things can't all be controlled and sometimes we just have let go and trust that things will work out. It reminds me of when my Dad was explaining to me that the universe would just take care of me if I let it. I was in my late 20s and had just been laid off from a job I dearly loved- and I was crushed. No money coming in and no job potentials in the immediate future and I thought how on earth am I going to live? I had my own apartment at the time and the last thing I wanted to do was move back home- not because I don't want to be with my folks- but because I was trying so hard to bloom and be independent.
My dad sits me down one afternoon and tells me to trust that it will all just get taken care of it I let it happen. And I am looking at him and thinking, "he's gone bonkers." He tells me to light a candle for the next 7 days for 30 minutes a day and for that time to concentrate on giving away the issues that bother me. I figure, heck, why not, it's not like I haven't got extra time- no job, what else am I going to do? I do it. A few days later an outdated life insurance policy contacts me and tells me they are closing their doors and do I want to cash out my old policy? A friend is experimenting with new recipes- do I have time to try some of his dishes? Another friend calls and offers me freelance work for a few days. I don't know if it was the universe taking care of me or just pure luck. I'd like to think it was the universe because it instills a sense of comfort in me -knowing that if I fall someone will pause and help me back onto my feet. It's a nice thought and it's alot less stressful to set my worries aside for a bit each day and just trust that whatever happens it - just happens and I will be ok regardless.

I am pretty good about letting the universe take care of me now. Most often I feel fortunate that I meet so many interesting people and they all seem to be so incredibly nice. What are the chances of that! It's kind of cool, and I try to remember that when I meet someone who isn't really nice, that they proably aren't feeling great- whether it is emotional, or physical, or spiritual- all those can affect us and sometimes when I am feeling mean it is because I hurt. Maybe this is the case with everyone else as well.

2006-06-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

Day 31 (10th day supression- 3rd day stimulants)- Confused?

Yes, we have started the stimulants now. One shot in the morning, and one shot at night of stims. Plus the supression shot at night too. I am feeling alittle bit like a science experiment- being poked with shots 3 times a day, plus the counter is still filled with other omnious drugs that i have yet to be told exactly how or what I will be doing with them. It's less stress in the sense that I am feeling more emotionally even but more stress because I have to keep straight what I am putting into my body and when.

The first stim shots were done in Las Vegas- we toted a cooler with the drugs to and from Vegas to make sure they stayed at the required tempatures. Fear of doing the first stim shots hovered over my first day of vacation. I responded with little adverse reactions to the suppressants- but was worried about how my body would react to the stims. Overall, the reaction has been minimal and I have been quite fortunate. I am grateful for this.

I have no doubt that I trust my DH infinately- I am letting him inject me three times a day and I trust him implictly to do this. I can't say I have had this type of trust in past relationships. I think it is a very intimate process and is seems to be taking a bit of a toll on both of us. In giving me the shot - even if they are meant to be under the layer of skin - there are still nerves that travel in the area we are shooting. Sometimes the shots do not hurt at all- a tiny prick and nothing else. Other times they smart quite a bit and we have proably gotten close to a nerve. The menopur most definately stings a bit on entry because of the salt in the fluid. Salt on a open wound- much the same. I know it would bother me to do this to someone else- and I know DH is struggling with giving them to me. I can understand this- and I love him all the more for doing this.

So we did the first round in Vegas- and it was uncomfortable- but I got over the fear of the side effects and though I am alittle fatigued from them- and I occassionally have a head ache that appears and disappears-- I can't quite put my finger on where exactly it hurts. I have signed the mountain of paperwork and now I just hang out with the drugs for the next 6-7 days. It is going to be a long long week.

So the highlights of Vegas were the pool at the hotel-- and hanging out by the pool in the morning before the heat became too extreme and the crowds began to roll in. It would have been great to have some quiet time- but quiet and vegas are not synonomous. It is not possible to have quiet in vegas- no more than it is possible to walk a straight line through a hotel. We discovered that to get to anything you must walk through several casinos, all shows are at the back of the casinos, all hotel rooms are at the back of casinos and no casino has a direct path to anything. We saw a few great shows- the beatles cirque du soliel show- and the o water show- both fab. I might as well mention that the pirate fight at treasure island was frightening- and I stood watching it at 9:30 pm completely horrified that children were present and watching the women in tiny bikinis gyrate their hips across the pirate ship in a battle against the pirate men who took part in some very dirty dancing. It was like an MTV video gone tacky bad and I couldn't help but wonder- what kind of message is this sending to the children who are watching this and what the hell happened to the swashbuckling pirates? I looked around and only I seemed to be alarmed that this entertainment was taking place in front of so many small children. They even used the words "adult candy store" in the script they followed. Ugh. Just when I begin to think we have made progress as a culture I step into our fastest growing city and discover (much to my disappointment and dismay) that America must want the treasure island adult candy store show- why else would it be packed every time they show it?

I think it may take a bit for me to get comfortable with that notion. As for the gambling- the slot machines don't even require that you pull a handle. You just hit a button on the machine and it turns the wheels for you. Soon there will just be a box for us to deposit money into it- and we won't need to turn the wheel- we'll just give the moeny away.

Anyhow, the mini version of this is -- great break. surreal location for vacation- and meds went well so far.

2006-06-11T15:09:00.000-07:00

Dinner Table Talk.. I Think Not

Day 24 (3rd day supression)

Just a quick note to say- I feel totally great. My energy level is back to where it is, I have been laughing again. I think I am back to a more normal state and each passing day makes me happier to not be on the BCPs- I knew they were affecting me- but I didn't really know how much. Messing with Hormones is a tricky thing. Anyhow, I spent the day cleaning the porch that I am getting ready to repaint. And planning the honeymoon. Yahoo. I am totally excited about that part. Hawaii. I dream of becoming a sun drenched goddess. Don't worry, I burn so easy, you will be able to identify me as the woman who is wearing the giant hat and all the sunscreen. I use to envy the girls in school that came in looking all tan and relaxed. Now I can appreciate my pale skin as I have far less wrinkles than if I had spent my days in the sun. Still to tan just alittle, is that asking too much?

Well, it won't be happening today- overcast again- nearly the whole month of June is like that and this morning my heat came on- it was below 66 in the house! Yikes. We call this summer? We are heading to Vegas later this next week for a few days to relax.
Normally I would not be all excited about the surreal experience awaiting me where everything is bright lights, noise, people, gambling and smoking everywhere. But we are staying off the beaten path alittle in a quieter hotel where casinos do not consume the entire lobby and we can pick and choose our exposure rate to all the noise and lights and crowds. I think it will be a really nice time- and I am looking forward to it more now that I am feeling so great! I still have a few more days of work- but I admit I do look forward to being warm again.

Happy Weekend!

2006-06-10T07:42:00.000-07:00

Day 23 (2nd supression day)

We did our first supression shot last night! Alittle overwhelming digging through all the drugs that the pharmacist sent to find the one we are suppose to start with- and we have 3 bags of needles that I have stacked in a corner in the kitchen so we don't have to look at them. We brought our awesome neighbor over for support- and she talked us through the process. She explained the needle sizes that we have and what they are used for and talked about the feared progestrone oil shots that are coming in a few weeks. Neither DH or I seem to be able to get comfortable with these as the needle is large and it is a intramuscular shot. The oil is pretty thick and requires some pressure to get it out of the needle. As the pressure to get it out of the needle is some effort I can't help but wonder how that will feel going into my body? I have yet to hear anything good about these shots and we are not looking forward to having to either give or recieve them later this month.

I think it was harder on DH having to give me a shot than it was for me receiving it. And he was very brave. He filled the shot and we picked a spot to put it in, then he slowly poked me and released the meds. He was incredibly tender and very careful to not hurt me. I felt alittle prick of the needle- and that was it. The well known side effect of a little itching around the needle site and I had a vague light headache later that evening. It could have just been from the build-up of having to take the shot. Other than that- nothing. Ok, my boobs hurt- but this would not really be different from any other day this past month so it hardly requires recognition. Easy. A HUGE relief really to be done with the first shot. We do the second one tonite- with our neighbor again I suspect- as DH gets more comfortable with the process. It becomes more clear to me every passing day that I live in a community that is very different from other areas.

I remember moving into the neighborhood and not really getting to know to my neighbors for the first year. They were having a yard sale one weekend, which happen to be the same weekend that my ex was coming over to move his things from the house.
I walked over to the yard sale just wanting to get away from it all and as I was talking with my neighbors I began to cry. They were so nice about doling out hugs and being supportive. It is ironic how I lived there with my ex and never met them and that once he moved from my life- the whole neighborhood opened up. They began to invite me over for dinner. It became a nearly every week thing. Now here we are years later- the group has grown to include more neighbors- and they are all people I can truly say I would have made the effort to be friends with even if they had not lived on my block. The fact that they live near me allows me to share more in their lives (and they in mine) as well as have distinct advantage of not driving after happy hour- I can just walk the few houses home.

Maybe a side effect of this new drug is over sentimentalism? Wow, it may be a long rest of the month for everyone on the block. Perhaps I ought to warn them? Nah, they most likely see if coming- and knowing me - this is not an unusual phase.
Anyhow, today I am feeling good. I am looking forward to a large breakfast and may even consider cooking tonite. After living on take out of pizza and burritos and whatever else I could dream up while battling the BCPs- it might be nice to get back to the business of eating again. So I am off to put on my wellies and head out into the garden!

2006-06-08T13:16:00.000-07:00

Day 21

I think today is a celebration day! It is the last day I have to take the BCPs! I am just plain relieved that after dinner tonite I will not be consuming another one of those evil pills again. Yes, Yes, I know - this is of course assuming that none of the other drugs that arrived in a box on my doorstep about an hour ago will make me feel as awful as this last one. The box of drugs arrived- and I have to say it was alot smaller of a box than I had antipated. I was expecting something along the lines of a large screen TV box, that I pictured would arrive and two large men would have to carry it to my door. I think this smaller box is a good thing, I unpacked it and the many bottles and containers seem fairly innoucous. Takes alittle of the fear out of what tomorrow holds with DH and I going about giving me my first shot.

Today could also be cause to celebrate that it is the first day that I have not felt completely lousy! Since I have undertaken this phase of my life- I have:
- broken my little toe
- spent weeks dealing with a constant feeling of being on a boat.
- tossed my cookies more times in the last 2 weeks than in the last 10 years.
- caught a head cold
- caught the flu
- somehow hurt my back, though since I can't walk I have no idea how I did this.
So yeah, in general it has been a long long long 21 days. And today I get to step off the boat and I get my stomach back!

The overwhelm that I experienced earlier this week is nearly gone- we drove to the Dr. to get our drug training on what and how and when to administer each drug for the next 14 days. I can't say what was going through my DH's mind, but his eyes were saucers nearly as large as mine as they went through each process and what was required for him. This is truly a step of ture love having your partner administer meds to you. I think I stopped breathing a good half way through the meeting. Nothing really could have prepared me for my schedule. We begin with lupron this friday, then next friday we add two stimulant meds and drop the lupron to half of what we will start with. So I start with 1 shot this week, but next week we will be doing 3 shots a day. I have not yet figure out what all the pills, etc that arrived are for. This will truly be a chemical adventure like no other. Anyhow, I am awaiting the call of the pharmacist she will go over everything with me as a refresher and I have dedicated the veggie crisper in the frig the location the meds will reside for now. The accupuncturist I see will be pleased with this choice of locations as she has been telling me to eat warm veggies for weeks now. Cold veggies are bad and so I am foregoing lettuce for stirfry veggies.

2006-06-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

Day 15

I am thinking more clearly today. The cold is either lifting, or I am adjusting to it and all other things. In addition to the cold, I have been experiencing intermittent sharp pain under my right shoulder blade. Yes, yes, yes. I *did* go to the doctor. I immediately think -blood clot- and why wouldn't I? What the heck else could a woman plugged full of hormones and in serious need of drama consider when she adjusts her pillow at 2am and is blinded by pain. The doctor was thinking it was a muscle issue. I must have pulled it doing what? I broke my toe weeks ago but it could be the strain of taping my little toe to the toe next to it and walking about in flip-flops. I go back again next week, but I'll be seeing the RE team so I might just be asking them rather than my general doctor. Can't some of this stuff be related? Isn't it just alittle odd it is all popping up now?

I go in monday to learn about my upcoming new Meds. I will be hugely relieved to not be taking the BCPs anymore. I have cooked once, maybe twice in the last 15 days. I don't think this is a popular phase around the house. And I'd be just as happy to not be frequenting the pizza shop. You'd think for as little as I have been able to eat that somehow, alittle of the clomid weight would fall away. And yes, I know it is completely nuts to be worried about a little weight gain when I am trying to get pregnant. I can't account for my strange yearnings.

2006-05-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

Day 12

I want my mind back. I can't say for certain where it has gone, only that it has not been here most of this past week. I can shrug and say that because I have a headcold that perhaps I am a bit more blurry than normal and that having what feels like a fish bowl around my ears could account for some of my haze. With this cold, life feels muted. Noises sound duller, food lacks taste and I move slower walking the neighborhood as if I am in the fog unable to see the sidewalks edge. Tentative with each step. This all makes me cranky as it does not fit the vision I have for myself- stepping boldly into life and embracing each new event. I lack the patience to do most tasks and my voice takes on a sharp tinge to it that even leaves me wondering who is speaking in such a harsh tone. It occurs to me that I am not only sick, but angry for being sick. A lethal combination not only to myself but to those who are around me.

I know the cold is a giant life sign to SLOW DOWN. I had plenty of warning signs. I even broke my little toe a week or two before from not watching where I was going. I suspect that everyone who jams their little toe could say the same thing- I mean really do we ever intentionally slam our toe into furniture as we walk past it? I have Preoccupation. I have been living my life as it is on HOLD, putting off decisions and events until I know the outcome of the IVF. I know I am doing it to save myself the hassle of making plans and then having to change them. If I put off the decision until I know the outcome then I won't have to change the plans and do any schedule shuffling. I confess I started to do this on a on a smaller basis during the IUI phase of conception- most of my travel indecision has to do with flying on planes to events of family and celebrations. Take a breathe here, because this insight into how my mind works could be frightening. I think this way normally and I do it completely sober without the use of added stimulants such as caffeine, alcohol or any other substances.

Each month, I calculate out my calendar so that my work travel schedule and my social schedule would adjust to my IUI (and now IVF) schedule, blood tests, and ultrasound checks. Then my scheduling expanded and I began to factor in future possibilities. I can't travel in the 3rd trimester so I eliminate all travel 6-10 months out. Makes sense, I mean if I do the IUI and it is sucessful then I am going to have to change the plans might as well skip making the decision and saving myself some time. The next future factor is I proably won't want to travel for the 1st trimeseter- what if I am one of those women who is queasy the entire first trimester? That's not good for travelling- so I have now narrowed my window to nothing this month, possibly nothing next but also nothing 1-3 months after that if I am sucessful and then nothing the 6-10th month as well.

I can't visit Aunt Bessie next January because I may be in my 3rd trimester, and I can't visit anytime in the next 5 months because I could get or be pregnant. I can't feel certain that the 2nd trimester would work because I'd have to BE pregnant to fully schedule that-- and the time will continously shift a month for each month we are not sucessful. My life window just shrank from being able to schedule nothing for the next month out to nothing 10 months beyond with a shifting start date so I just schedule nothing for the next year.

I think this way- and have basically been living my life in a holding pattern for over a year. I got onto a plane and never got off-- circling the airport of IVF. I rush forward to greet each new month and then place the next one on hold waiting to see where this leaves me. It is akin to looking at clothing mail order magazine and seeing a skirt I'd like to order but am not ordering it because I won't be able to wear it if I am pregnant and I may not like it after the whole birthing process is complete and I skrink down to my normal size. You have no idea what kind of fabulous wardrobe I would now own if I did not impose these strange rules into my life. It's a LIMBO, and a limitation that no longers works for my life. Maybe what the cold is trying to teach me isn't just to slow down but to engage and participate in life as well. Create a haze to see clearly? Slowing down creates space for me to see that I have been busy adjusting a calendar for a life I don't really feel I am leading and I really don't think I tripped over my furniture and broke my toe- I think I fell over all the what if's I have strewn about the floor. What if I don't get pregnant this next month? What if I have to do the whole IVF process a second time? How could I have thought that living in the future with no focus on the present would bring me peace? I think now that I'd rather schedule and cancel, than to not have scheduled at all. Bring on hawaii, and if I am throwing up the entire time on a beautiful beach then at least the trip will be memorable :)

I have my tentative calendar of my IVF schedule and retrieval day is set for June 27 or 28th. Another month of my ramblings as I continue on this process.

2006-05-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

Day 5
This morning I woke up- yep - I am still on a boat ride gone bad, but my stomach tolerated food well before lunch time which is the first time since I started these damn BCPs. This puts me in a good mood overall. I even got up and made coffee for DH this morning. Ok, yeah, he started the process but I *did* put it into a cup for him. I think that counts as progress. He has been really great about not eating around me. Take your pick of the issues I have with it: the smell regardless of what it is - horrible- and yes, even ice cream smells! The sound of chewing from across a room is deafening. The fork touching the plate is akin to nails on a chalk board. These all feel like an assault on my senses. Is it rational? Absolutely not. But he has been really great about giving me the space and I love him all the more for it.

I am trying to adjust and accept that I just feel strangely fragile lately. We had dinner with friends this past week and I felt like it was an entire evening of saying something and then immediately wishing I could take it back. I just kept talking and talking, hoping beyond all hope that by doing so I could force a connection with them and feel normal. But I didn't bother to stop and listen- and I am so ashamed of that. I feel as though I have somehow skewed boundaries of appropriate and I am unable to tell what is acceptable until well after the moment has passed. My head is in a fog bank and the only thing I am able to do well is cry at the drop of a hat about anything. It proably would be better to preface all my future communication with "I have no idea what comment is going to pop out of my mouth, this isn't really me but a hormone induced facsimile that seems to have taken away my ability to interpret normal human interaction signals. In many many months when this passes we will be able to laugh at my bizzare behavior, but please don't laugh now because it makes me cry. Everything makes me cry."

I cried when the dog left to go for a walk this morning. I cried because my pants feel tigher today than they did yesterday and yesterday I felt enormous. The neighbors scale says 140lbs- but I am certain it is wrong. I rationally understand that the neighbor would not diabolically alter the scale and skew it so I appear lighter or heavier than I really am. I cried because I checked my weight and why would I do that? I don't even watch my weight! Then I cried because I cried. And the weird thing about it all is that I am in a really good mood today.

2006-05-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

Day 4

Today is Day 4 of our latest cycle. I am posting a blog so that family and friends can read, learn and educate themselves to what a standard couple is going through in trying to concieve. What I hope to achieve by posting is to create a forum so the people who care know how I am and what I am feeling as I choose to post- and also to educate them that this isn't really a "as soon as you adopt it will happen to you" or a "you just need to relax and hold your feet in the air" kind of issue. I have spent alot of time reading, and I now understand that nearly 2 in 10 couples experience issues in conception. It is a growing issue, and one the lacks sensitivity among the general population. The reasons are varied, and every couple encounters different issues they need to overcome

I hail from a fairly large family- if all in the extended family were counted I would have well over 10 nieces and nephews on my side of the family. When I started down this path I didn't think much about it. I just assumed that when I wanted to, I could have kids- I mean the bunny genes seem to run in my family- how on earth could I not follow the family trait? It came as a bit of a reality shock when month after month of timing it and trying- added with trying IUI and clomid amounted to nothing but a more tired version of me- most definately beyond a rational self and plain not use to not being sucessful in everything I try.

It was at this point, having done this alone most entirely with local support from my friends, and my DH that I decided I needed more help. A few of my friends have struggled with this issue, but no one talks about it. Not dinner table talk-- ya know? There needs to be a better balance between participating in my life now and being supported on my journey. When people tell you this is an all consuming thing, it is partly because most of the women on this journey are doing it alone. Yes, they have partners, and friends and family who love them- But it is our body that we are adjusting with hormones, that we are monitoring, testing and tracking on a nearly daily basis. It can be overwhelming and all consuming if we let it. There needs to be a better outlet to balance the topic with daily life. This is my quest.

I do not feel as I fit anywhere lately, the hormones, the topics- you just can't sit down to dinner and say, hey my blood test was XXX, means we could be doing IVF on this day, how to do feel about genetic testing? Did ya see that new movie at the independent theatre? See - it has no flow. I want to stay home and talk with the dog- the fact that he does not talk back is quite appealing. I don't know maybe everyone feels alittle off kilter going through this process.

I found an awesome online support group of women who are going through different stages of primary infertility. It is with these women that I have decide to step up to the keyboard and blog my way back to sanity. Welcome to my blog. May it inspire and teach- while lending support to women who like me need an extra hand during a difficult time.