I've been meaning to publish an update but it's not been the smoothest of years overall. I feel like I had the little man and then vanished from the community which was not my intention in any way. I was so wiped out from the c-section (did I mention they put me under for it?) and then the anemia, added with the hyperemesis- my body just didn't recover well. I still seem to be struggling with a weakened immune system as I spent nearly four months this year coping with pityriasis rosea (a very bizarre skin virus) and between that and having "allergy baby"- all my free time has been spent figuring out what to feed him that does not contain- eggs, milk, soy, peanuts, or strawberries. You'd be surprised at the derivatives of milk that seem to wind up in the strangest of places. And before any of you good intention folks tells me that it's incredibly unusual to have a child allergic to milk-- yes, we know- and the allergies were diagnosed by a professional who is monitoring them and we are all hoping that the little guy grows out of them soon. Fortunately for us he likes rice noodles, chicken and nearly all the other fruits I give him. The veggies are not as popular but frankly that he is eating at all is really all I care about- we have plenty of time to fix nutritional issue that may arise due to a finicky 17 month old child.

So we've made it well past the first year of parenthood-- and it's been good. He's a blast to learn with - nearly 29 lbs and he's super tall for his age. Loves puzzles, trains and animals-- and I'm thrilled that none of the pregnancy stress seems to have affected him in any way. And I'll try to post an update every so often- I had not idea my life would get swept away quite like it did.
Hard to believe that I started this journey with a IVF dr. telling me I had a better chance of winning the state lotto then I did getting pregnant... and we now joke that we wish we'd bought tickets the day we conceived-- luckiest day of our lives because we started down this path that has changed our lives forever. It's not always easy, but it's been worth the endeavor.

Yes, it's been months since I last posted-- and I apologize-- the pregnancy was a rough one with hyperemesis, and then anemia... and I was allergic to all of the iron supplements they tried on me- exhausted from being anemic plus all the side effects of the hyperemesis. All in all I wouldn't say I was a picture of health or that I had any kind of glow about me. I only found relief in reflexology-- I discovered it a few weeks before I was due and it made me a pleasant person. I highly recommend it to help cope with a rough pregnancy.

The good news is that we had a emergency c-section a week or so ago-- and out came a beautiful baby boy. I won't go into huge details expect to say that pretty much like my whole pregnancy- his arrival was not a smooth one either. But we could not feel more in awe or blessed and we stare at him in amazement that he's ours. So I've answered the lingering question of was 10 months of illness, more than 8 rounds of IVF meds, and 2 miscarriages worth it? Yes, without a doubt. I would not change a thing about it.

Anyhow, recovery is slow ... but I'm getting there and I hope to post more soon. Hugs to all of you how pop in to check on me. I still read your blogs- but I unfortunately forgot my login for several months and was unable to post ... now that it is again in my memory I hope to catch up and let you all know I am still thinking of you.

Hi. Yes, I know I have been beyond quiet-- and mostly catching up all the stuff I missed out on from being so incredibly sick the first 17 weeks of this pregnancy. I'm so sorry I haven't been as good about updating- my energy level isn't great and so I am logging in to read about some of you- but so many have blocked or password protected blogs now-- is it really that awful out in blog land now? I hope not-- there should be someplace safe and supportive for us to go to where we can share experiences and not have negative feedback. Infertility is hard enough to deal with - and the emotional aspect of it all- and finding support for it- just should not have to be so dang hard.

I can eat again- nearly everything-- I seem to have an aversion to tomato based foods, mint, and tea. Pretty much anything else if fine. I've also just gained back the 25 lbs I'd lost the first trimester- and the baby is measuring in the 97th percentile-- the doctor says a big baby is a healthy baby so it's reassuring to know that though the size concerns me a bit-- as he, yes a boy, has to exit at some point and really large is not what I was hoping to hear.

Other than that I seem to be fine- cranky all the time, tired because I have yet to sleep in longer than 2 hour increments without having to get up for the bathroom or roll over which actually leaves me a bit breathless and hormonal(will that ever end?) . The infamous glowing that everyone talks about-- well... I think it's when I am breathless and my cheeks turn pink or it could be the 5 minutes I am in the sun where my cheeks burn- seriously I can't even walk out the door without getting a sun burn lately.

I can only say- this is a strange experience and hubby asked me if it was something I'd do over again if I knew how awful I'd feel this entire time. I looked at him and said -- I have no idea, we aren't at the end of the journey yet so I can't really say. But if I love the baby a fraction as much as I love our dog and I think he's half as cute-- then yeah- worth the whole miserable experience to get there. And looking at it from the larger scope-- a year or so of not feeling so great compared to decades of perfect health- not such a big deal. I guess it is all perspective, though the not throwing up part certainly helps the perspective seem much brighter than 2 months ago where I never thought I'd eat again. :)

So that's it-- not a lot happening but I did put the baby's pic in the corner there and I am hoping that doesn't offend anyone. Hugs to everyone and I am still reading where I can -- just still in quiet mode and taking the days as they come.

Just a quick update. Everything looks good baby wise... no complaints about that and we've passed the first trimester so we've made it further than we've ever made it before. The Hyperemesis is awful. I've never felt so sick or awful in all my life- and I honestly would not wish this disease on my worst enemy. I've lost about 20 lbs as of today and I'm not real happy about it. I am using a home nurse care company that checks in on me daily and makes sure we are getting better and not worse. My husband is an amazing man, he has altered his entire life schedule to take care of me, make sure I have food when I am able to eat and has taken on all the chores and errands. I don't know how he does it all- and we've also had great neighbors who call when they are at the store and pick things up for us. Very helpful. It's very telling how unimportant things become when you have so little time or energy to spend on them and how much we value what we do have time and energy to attend to. Somehow, life got simpler and whether it's because I can't run about at my natural sprint pace or not seems so unimportant to us and were enjoying the slower lifestyle.

Well, I have to say we have actually been stunned silent now for a few weeks. And we haven't really told anyone just because the experience is so impossible- and we still scratching our heads trying to figure out exactly what happened.

We went to Europe for the Holiday break. We'd planned it out in August when I was still reeling from the last loss and I needed desperately to plan something- to have something to look forward to... to get away from it all and connect with one another.
I couldn't face a holiday of nieces and nephews because as much as I love mine- the last thing I wanted to be reminded of was that we didn't have one of our own.

4 days before we are scheduled to get on a plane I notice my period is a couple of days late. I don't think much about it but I pop on over to the drug store and get a handy pee stick to just make sure nothing is amiss. I thought they put the stick together wrong- you know, so when you get a positive on it- and the dark line is up and down-- well I thought they just put it in the plastic holder wrong-- so I took the test a second time. Nope. Positive. So I called my RE- thinking a blood test would fix the weird tests and verify I indeed was not pregnant. But it didn't and I was... and now 10 weeks later. I still am.... we are just over 10 weeks pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, we're thrilled- beyond thrilled actually- but I've been throwing up since week 6... more during week 7. By week 8 I figured out that hyperemesis is not the same as normal morning sickness and I actually sent my RE a note asking how many times a day I ought to be throwing up and what was normal. For the record, 20 times a day...not normal -- and tonite as I am typing all this- I am eating my first complete whole sandwich in weeks. All while an IV is plugged into my arm and I am being pumped full of sugar water and zofran. I'll be taking IVs for the next 3 days hoping to rehydrate myself- and I have to say- I already feel better and we are only on the first bag. Maybe it's knowing that someone is checking in to make sure I'm no longer getting sick...just the feeling perhaps that I am not in this entirely alone.

And while feeling better I realized that the whole first trimester for us so far has been filled with worry, confusion and then illness and we really haven't had a chance to just sit back and be thrilled by the wonder of it all. We haven't told anyone we're pregnant because we don't want them to have to live through a miscarriage again should we walk down that path again. So that's been my life lately. When I wrote my prior post, we had no idea we'd be pregnant, and considering the odds of it happening we're pretty surprised. Pleased, but yeah, surprised. I wish I'd bought a lotto ticket that day too.

This is the first time I have blogged since our second miscarriage. I needed to take the time to grieve- for us the loss was huge. I still struggle some days with the loss, but it is lessening and we are on hold with our plans. We'd still love to have a child but the journey wore me out, wore us both out, we were left emotionally spent and physically exhausted.

I also lost some friends along the way-- no, they still care for me deeply but from afar. I think the multiple miscarriages was too much for some of my women friends who were unable for whatever reasons to cope with my loss, perhaps because it resonates or the fear of the possibility in their own lives was too great. But they are dearly missed and I hope that one day they will reappear in my life again when the time works for them.

I can't really say I am leading an exciting life- but I am healing. I have just begun recovering from the depression that sets in while the hormones are leaving my body. 2.5 years of infertility drugs takes a while to work them all out... but I am feeling better than I have in over a year and I have begun to smile and laugh again.

I probably won't post a great deal for now... but know that I am lurking and reading your blogs when time allows and you are all very much in my heart and thoughts.

If you have some free time- please pop on over to Pixxee and give her some hugs.

We did the ultra sound today. No heart beat. At 7 weeks, 4 days-- there ought to be one. We ended up cutting our day short and came home to grieve. Tomorrow we go back for surgery- then I'll take a few days off to heal. We can't thank everyone enough for all the support and encouragement you've given us on this journey-- I don't think we can continue it anymore. It's just too painful and we need to take care of ourselves and our hearts and get back to the process of living. Hugs to you all still on your journey--