What lies ahead?

I had previously been under the impression that I had covered just about all the issues I may face with infertility when I waded waist deep into the documents that we had to sign for the IVF process to take place.

It's one thing to vote on stem cell research and quite another when I have sign documents to determine what might be done with my remaining eggs should I produce too many. Destroy them? Donate them to another family who doesn't have viable eggs? Donate them to stem cell research? Freeze them? All very personal choices and a topic which I have no issues with in theory and it somehow morphed from this generic concept that may benefit me later in life to one I may have a direct impact in today.

How do I feel about pregenetic testing? Do I want to check for certain chromosome abnormalities before they implant the egg or 11-13 weeks after if the egg is successfully implanted? It's a lot to think about- and I really spent time thinking about all these IVF topics and many more I have not mentioned- determining how do I felt about them religiously, socially, politically and spiritually.

It took some time to get to a quiet place with all the IVF topics -- and let's be honest here- I have to- once those hormones hit and my emotions go flying- there is no reprieve to discuss issues sanely. For my own well being, I have had to be prepared for what may come next and have a plan so that when we get to that door- I know which one feels ok for me. I am fortunate to have a strong partner who I am ok defering the decisions to if I am not feeling up to making it-- I like that we are teamed and in sync with these topics.

We got the results from our blood test back. The pregnancy test came back negative as expected. No suprises there.
My FSH test came back suprisingly at 22. Let me repeat that number {{{{{22}}}}} Last month it was 8. That is quite a number delta- and not in a good way.

For those of you not familiar with the details of FSH testing- the score of 6 would be great, 8-10 decent, 10-14 still ok to work, 15-20 not looking as good, 20+ bad. It has to do with the viability of the ovarian reserve- and the ability of the ovary to produce a good quality and fair quanity of eggs. Already having been told that I had a low ovarian reserve I expected the numbers to be higher than 8. I was pretty darn pleased that I have been remaining in the 8-9 range most consistently with the blood tests I have taken for the past year, and I might have even been lulled into thinking that my FSH levels would not cause a problem in the whole scope of conceiving.

But Yup. you guessed it... the Dr. called today. He really is a nice guy- and his phone skills are improving as he gets to know me and we build a relationship. He knows I like to learn and research before a topic comes up- and what he'd like to do is nothing this month. Not even BCPs because I respond so poorly to them- and if he can save me a few weeks of misery by not being on them - seems like a kinder and gentler thing to do. I am ok with this. Heck, I am thinking I may even buy a lotto ticket the conversation is going so well.... He will recheck at next cycle (that would be pretty much 23 days to the day for me.) And if everything looks good and my FSH isn't wacky then all systems are go. And knowing my penchant for research he wants me to consider ovum donation as a topic to start delving into. Aaaaccck! My body is working against me this week.

I am not at peace with this concept yet (can you tell I am freaking out?). I don't know what it is about it that doesn't sit well with me-- partly I am sure that it is a new concept and not one I was emotionally braced for before it was sprung on me. I guess it is again that it is something I have no problem with in theory but when we are talking about putting a donated egg in my body- well, that just feels entirely different- more personal, and while I am not arguing that it is an awesome thing- I am not so sure we are personally ready for this. Not like they talk about this in my human sexuality class at college!

Ok, so that is where we are at today. I had no idea it was going to be such a thought provoking day. I think I will just sit with this one for awhile.