Day 12

I want my mind back. I can't say for certain where it has gone, only that it has not been here most of this past week. I can shrug and say that because I have a headcold that perhaps I am a bit more blurry than normal and that having what feels like a fish bowl around my ears could account for some of my haze. With this cold, life feels muted. Noises sound duller, food lacks taste and I move slower walking the neighborhood as if I am in the fog unable to see the sidewalks edge. Tentative with each step. This all makes me cranky as it does not fit the vision I have for myself- stepping boldly into life and embracing each new event. I lack the patience to do most tasks and my voice takes on a sharp tinge to it that even leaves me wondering who is speaking in such a harsh tone. It occurs to me that I am not only sick, but angry for being sick. A lethal combination not only to myself but to those who are around me.

I know the cold is a giant life sign to SLOW DOWN. I had plenty of warning signs. I even broke my little toe a week or two before from not watching where I was going. I suspect that everyone who jams their little toe could say the same thing- I mean really do we ever intentionally slam our toe into furniture as we walk past it? I have Preoccupation. I have been living my life as it is on HOLD, putting off decisions and events until I know the outcome of the IVF. I know I am doing it to save myself the hassle of making plans and then having to change them. If I put off the decision until I know the outcome then I won't have to change the plans and do any schedule shuffling. I confess I started to do this on a on a smaller basis during the IUI phase of conception- most of my travel indecision has to do with flying on planes to events of family and celebrations. Take a breathe here, because this insight into how my mind works could be frightening. I think this way normally and I do it completely sober without the use of added stimulants such as caffeine, alcohol or any other substances.

Each month, I calculate out my calendar so that my work travel schedule and my social schedule would adjust to my IUI (and now IVF) schedule, blood tests, and ultrasound checks. Then my scheduling expanded and I began to factor in future possibilities. I can't travel in the 3rd trimester so I eliminate all travel 6-10 months out. Makes sense, I mean if I do the IUI and it is sucessful then I am going to have to change the plans might as well skip making the decision and saving myself some time. The next future factor is I proably won't want to travel for the 1st trimeseter- what if I am one of those women who is queasy the entire first trimester? That's not good for travelling- so I have now narrowed my window to nothing this month, possibly nothing next but also nothing 1-3 months after that if I am sucessful and then nothing the 6-10th month as well.

I can't visit Aunt Bessie next January because I may be in my 3rd trimester, and I can't visit anytime in the next 5 months because I could get or be pregnant. I can't feel certain that the 2nd trimester would work because I'd have to BE pregnant to fully schedule that-- and the time will continously shift a month for each month we are not sucessful. My life window just shrank from being able to schedule nothing for the next month out to nothing 10 months beyond with a shifting start date so I just schedule nothing for the next year.

I think this way- and have basically been living my life in a holding pattern for over a year. I got onto a plane and never got off-- circling the airport of IVF. I rush forward to greet each new month and then place the next one on hold waiting to see where this leaves me. It is akin to looking at clothing mail order magazine and seeing a skirt I'd like to order but am not ordering it because I won't be able to wear it if I am pregnant and I may not like it after the whole birthing process is complete and I skrink down to my normal size. You have no idea what kind of fabulous wardrobe I would now own if I did not impose these strange rules into my life. It's a LIMBO, and a limitation that no longers works for my life. Maybe what the cold is trying to teach me isn't just to slow down but to engage and participate in life as well. Create a haze to see clearly? Slowing down creates space for me to see that I have been busy adjusting a calendar for a life I don't really feel I am leading and I really don't think I tripped over my furniture and broke my toe- I think I fell over all the what if's I have strewn about the floor. What if I don't get pregnant this next month? What if I have to do the whole IVF process a second time? How could I have thought that living in the future with no focus on the present would bring me peace? I think now that I'd rather schedule and cancel, than to not have scheduled at all. Bring on hawaii, and if I am throwing up the entire time on a beautiful beach then at least the trip will be memorable :)

I have my tentative calendar of my IVF schedule and retrieval day is set for June 27 or 28th. Another month of my ramblings as I continue on this process.

Day 5
This morning I woke up- yep - I am still on a boat ride gone bad, but my stomach tolerated food well before lunch time which is the first time since I started these damn BCPs. This puts me in a good mood overall. I even got up and made coffee for DH this morning. Ok, yeah, he started the process but I *did* put it into a cup for him. I think that counts as progress. He has been really great about not eating around me. Take your pick of the issues I have with it: the smell regardless of what it is - horrible- and yes, even ice cream smells! The sound of chewing from across a room is deafening. The fork touching the plate is akin to nails on a chalk board. These all feel like an assault on my senses. Is it rational? Absolutely not. But he has been really great about giving me the space and I love him all the more for it.

I am trying to adjust and accept that I just feel strangely fragile lately. We had dinner with friends this past week and I felt like it was an entire evening of saying something and then immediately wishing I could take it back. I just kept talking and talking, hoping beyond all hope that by doing so I could force a connection with them and feel normal. But I didn't bother to stop and listen- and I am so ashamed of that. I feel as though I have somehow skewed boundaries of appropriate and I am unable to tell what is acceptable until well after the moment has passed. My head is in a fog bank and the only thing I am able to do well is cry at the drop of a hat about anything. It proably would be better to preface all my future communication with "I have no idea what comment is going to pop out of my mouth, this isn't really me but a hormone induced facsimile that seems to have taken away my ability to interpret normal human interaction signals. In many many months when this passes we will be able to laugh at my bizzare behavior, but please don't laugh now because it makes me cry. Everything makes me cry."

I cried when the dog left to go for a walk this morning. I cried because my pants feel tigher today than they did yesterday and yesterday I felt enormous. The neighbors scale says 140lbs- but I am certain it is wrong. I rationally understand that the neighbor would not diabolically alter the scale and skew it so I appear lighter or heavier than I really am. I cried because I checked my weight and why would I do that? I don't even watch my weight! Then I cried because I cried. And the weird thing about it all is that I am in a really good mood today.

Day 4

Today is Day 4 of our latest cycle. I am posting a blog so that family and friends can read, learn and educate themselves to what a standard couple is going through in trying to concieve. What I hope to achieve by posting is to create a forum so the people who care know how I am and what I am feeling as I choose to post- and also to educate them that this isn't really a "as soon as you adopt it will happen to you" or a "you just need to relax and hold your feet in the air" kind of issue. I have spent alot of time reading, and I now understand that nearly 2 in 10 couples experience issues in conception. It is a growing issue, and one the lacks sensitivity among the general population. The reasons are varied, and every couple encounters different issues they need to overcome

I hail from a fairly large family- if all in the extended family were counted I would have well over 10 nieces and nephews on my side of the family. When I started down this path I didn't think much about it. I just assumed that when I wanted to, I could have kids- I mean the bunny genes seem to run in my family- how on earth could I not follow the family trait? It came as a bit of a reality shock when month after month of timing it and trying- added with trying IUI and clomid amounted to nothing but a more tired version of me- most definately beyond a rational self and plain not use to not being sucessful in everything I try.

It was at this point, having done this alone most entirely with local support from my friends, and my DH that I decided I needed more help. A few of my friends have struggled with this issue, but no one talks about it. Not dinner table talk-- ya know? There needs to be a better balance between participating in my life now and being supported on my journey. When people tell you this is an all consuming thing, it is partly because most of the women on this journey are doing it alone. Yes, they have partners, and friends and family who love them- But it is our body that we are adjusting with hormones, that we are monitoring, testing and tracking on a nearly daily basis. It can be overwhelming and all consuming if we let it. There needs to be a better outlet to balance the topic with daily life. This is my quest.

I do not feel as I fit anywhere lately, the hormones, the topics- you just can't sit down to dinner and say, hey my blood test was XXX, means we could be doing IVF on this day, how to do feel about genetic testing? Did ya see that new movie at the independent theatre? See - it has no flow. I want to stay home and talk with the dog- the fact that he does not talk back is quite appealing. I don't know maybe everyone feels alittle off kilter going through this process.

I found an awesome online support group of women who are going through different stages of primary infertility. It is with these women that I have decide to step up to the keyboard and blog my way back to sanity. Welcome to my blog. May it inspire and teach- while lending support to women who like me need an extra hand during a difficult time.