Sunday, March 18, 2007

Well I can't say for certain what possessed me to troll over to cyclesista and check out all the dec/jan and jan/feb cyclers and evaluate the outcomes of everyone. I can't really say that I learned anything from counting, some of us got pregnant, and some didn't. So I thought I might just catch up on some reading and offer some support. I am reading you all, but so far writing comments feels uninspirational, like I just have no idea what to say.

We did the D&C late last week, they moved me up a day in scheduling and then apparently didn't mention it to the nursing staff-- the door to the recovery room was ajar but we did overhear some of the staff commenting that I wasn't on the schedule. Hmm, not the most welcomed feeling but I know that I am little on the sensitive side with all the hormones dropping out of my system like a roller coaster plummeting down the hill. Hubs said the doctor came in and spoke with us after, I can't remember a dang thing so I can't really tell you what he said. I got dressed sometime around 9:30 and we headed home, I slept most of the way and then most of the day too. We burned all the ultrasound pictures and said our goodbyes in hopes that a sense of closure would start the healing process.

It's been two days since and I guess the healing is starting. I still cry, a bit less today than yesterday, I think that's proably going to be around a bit longer- and my motivation to step outside, well, I thought about it today but just wasn't up to venturing out on my own. Hubs took me to the grocery store and I found all the people and noise overwhelming. I did fine in the store, but I wasn't really up for running more errands after that.

I think we are doing ok, and we'll be fine-- but every time I hear the words "I'm sorry", there is a slight sting and I feel tears well up in my eyes. I know the loved ones saying it are trying to be supportive- and I'd say the same thing if I were in their place. I don't know what the right response would be, it seems appropriate, maybe it is just suppose to hurt and then it one day hurts less.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Ok, it's been confirmed. The clinic had me come today for a scan. This is one of those days where I wished I lacked an intuitive side. The baby's heart was not beating on todays scan. We are very sad and just taking some time out to greive.

Ironically I was so optimistic that this cycle would work I brought all my extra meds and supplies to the clinic to give to other women who might need them but not be able to afford them. Now I kind of wish I'd kept the valium...

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Well nothing is confirmed. We are still in waiting mode but some thing have drastically changed and I don't think it is all for the better. The net of it is all my lovely symptoms are gone. I'd never thought I'd say I wish I were feeling queasy...
I stopped feeling queasy by Saturday, and my energy level began increase so naps are no longer necessary to make it through a day. My skin pigmentation on my breasts has returned to a pale color and most noticably the metal taste in my mouth is gone. Oh, and I am not really hungry. Yeah, I think that is a big one as I have just spent the last several weeks eating everything within view to abate the hunger. Now I don't mean to be pessimistic but add in some cramping, a general initutive sinking feeling and well, you have a grieving family.

I popped an email over to my care coordinator to see what the options are here-- but overall, I have to be realistic, this week isn't looking like a good one. I know symptoms change-- but they don't just all go away never to be seen again.

We'll breathe, and cry, and breathe and cry some more. Not much else we can do but grieve, and wait.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

We did the ultrasound today-- our first one. 7 weeks 4 days. The pictures looked great-- one gestational sac and yolk. The heartbeat was between 95 and 97. A little on the low side. We go back in one week and 2 days for a second ultrasound at 9 weeks. The RE didn't seem worried but we did think he was tentative-- he kept saying it was early and that the heart rate could go up. Dr. google gave us conflicting info-- the average heart rate is 110 bpm-- so we are low, but as long as it is over 90 and climbing we stand a chance.

We are nervous and apprehensive. We want to think the best and that the heartbeat will go up--yet here we are again faced with another week of waiting in hopes that everything will be ok. As hubby so eloquently said it this evening...why can't we just catch a break...does this all have to be so hard?

I guess the bright side is that we'll know in a week and half but I think this may be the longest week and a half we have had to live through yet.

Friday, March 02, 2007

I am sure my friends tried to warn me about the being hungry and wanting to throw up same time feeling- just now I can't remember it ever being mentioned. I thought I was adjusting to being hungry all the time. I even thought I somehow would figure out the secret to not getting sick--you know, small meals, lots and lots of protein, eat right before bed.

I don't seem to have a great deal of problems in the morning, in fact I have been waking up not especially hungry- however between the hours of 1-5pm all bets are off and I could eat every single minute of the 4 hour window and still not be full. It is safe to say that I am tired of eating at the end of the day and I can't help but wonder why they have not created some kind of fast digesting high protein meal that leaves you feeling full for hours and doesn't upset your stomach one bit.
Today, proudly my first round of morning sickness- though it began to hit in my eating window and I couldn't determine whether I should keep eating and take my chances or stop. I can't determine the overriding message my body is sending me when I get two of the messages at the same time. My brain and stomach are both on sensory overload.

Today I can't get near meat. I thought it was a bit strange when I was in the grocery store yesterday and I couldn't look at the raw meat section with out feeling funky-- today, I can't really look at it cooked. This will pass, I know. And I am learning to trust my body, I just wish it would tell me it doesn't want to eat something before I go through the effort to make it.