Thursday, August 31, 2006

How many dogs I own.
The number of times I have now tried for IVF #1.
The number of vials they took in blood this morning.
The number of shots I take every morning.
And every night...

Perhaps we want a drum roll here for added build up... yeah, the number of follies my right ovary is producing- with the left not doing a dang thing. 7 days on stims and 2 follies. And the left not doing a dang thing. The follies are currently at 11 and 7. Not my most impressive number really. Last time I had 3 follies ... and the left side not do a dang thing. Today I am crushed. For those of you unfamiliar with IVF, 2 is not a good number. Pretty much any number over 4 would be a good number. Most REs won't do the procedure with anything less than 4 follies.

Oh, I know, I will rally and recover but wouldn't it be nice to get some good news in the area of procreation for a change? In the mean time, I have the weekend before me- with more shots- we aren't giving up yet- we go back on sunday for more bloodwork and another u/s. I had not expected to respond so poorly to the meds- especially since the dosing is higher than last time. When they told me I had a low reserve, I somehow didn't think that as we continued to do this that my test scores would get worse. This type of rating is hard for an over acheiver.

So that is my day. Not a good one. But to quote bob marley "My feet is my only carriage so I've got to push on through..."

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Umm, I am sorry who's house is this? Oh, of course, yes, I see... you are the dog and we are all here for you.

I was home for lunch yesterday and as I walked into the kitchen and looked out the back to see the garden which is again being redone by me, I noticed something quite peculiar on my picnic table. I thought I'd snap a photo of it so you could all see what my lovely puppy apparently does when we are away from home. I suppose this is better than eating my sprinklers ... I can only imagine that this is what he does to rest when he is all chewed out.

The shots are going well. The red flush has stopped and other than a delicately sore tummy with tiny little bruises on it -- I am not really feeling the side effects of the stims anymore! I had a headache again yesterday- but bumped my DH out of his acupuncture appt and that helped a ton. I know, it's rude to take your partners doctors appts- but he was more than willing to give it to me and if I had not taken it I would not have gotten in this week- and this week, well, It's all about me. Let's just be really clear with that. I am in Me mode -it's all about my needs being met and I'd hate to be the person who cuts in line in front of me for anything I am waiting to do. Ok, I may be a tiny bit cranky still. But it's a good thing, DH says I am way way too nice most of the time. I even say please when I ask the dog to get down from whereever he has climbed. DH also has been teasing that I am the charlie dog when he is home. That he is alpha and the dog thinks he is beta and that I am charlie in the pecking order. He believes this is what the dog thinks... I am not sure the dog thinks about all this stuff as much as we do but we have noticed that as he gets older he is testing the limits.

My lovely neighbor will be helping me with my shots for the next 7 days- and I can't tell you how grateful I am to have the help. DH and I have the routine down pat now where I sit back and cover my eyes while DH picks a spot and injects the meds and then I get a little kiss at the end. It's very sweet and I will miss him dearly while he is away.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Side Effects. I'll take a side of forgetfulness and if you could add some bruising- that would be great! Ok, I can't even guess where I am with my cycle in terms of cdXX. I have to tell you that I honestly think it is a side effect of the lupr*n- I mean in another week I won't even be able to remember to take the laundry from the washer and place it in the dryer. Days later I will discover the load of wet laundry sitting there. I can at least relax in knowing my time on the lupron is shroter than last time- either that or I have forgetten about it.

We started the stims last night. It's like the best of both worlds- I have my period with gnarly cramps and get to take stims all at the same time. I can't imagine what else my DH could possibly want from a partner- I mean he gets me way cranky from my cycle and now all the hormones and the emotions that go into it. The man is hiding outside building some home improvement project. I am pretty certain he is afraid to come into the house. I can't say I blame him, I am afraid to leave the house. The higher dose of men*pur makes my face red just like last time. I woke up feel alittle wheezy and I can't tell if it is from the meds or mild asthma kicking in from stress. It's gone this morning. So I don't really know how to gauge whether this is important to tell the RE or not. I mean the side effects list hives and trouble breathing as bad side effects where you need to call your doctor immediately. I don't call a red sunburnt looking face hives- but it would not be the best look for me regardless. And with the minor wheezing- I don't know. I mean if you get injected and have trouble breathing wouldn't it pop up immediately and not 3-4 hours after an injection? It's gone by morning and I know the meds make me alittle on the drama queen side so I'd like to limit my over-reactions to things if it is possible. Any thoughts on this?

Other than the IF stuff I am desperately trying to stay on track with my other home projects and trying to come up with something interesting to do to the home while DH is away.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

"I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working." -Austin Powers

So I know you are all waiting for what the mojo room looked like in the RE's office this go around. First, let me say this picture in no way represents the room they gave us. We arrived at the building having parked in the wrong building to find the building our RE works in is fully in construction on the first floor. No signs, no directory- nothing. So I walk up to the man at the desk and he looks at me and says 5th floor. Huh? How does he know where I am going? There must be 10 people in the lobby- are we all going to the 5th floor? So I ask, "how do you know where I am going?" and he says, "well, where are you going?" and I reply "ART" and he says "5th floor". Ok. I am guessing he either gets the same question alot or all bewildered looking couples go to the 5th floor.

We get up to the 5th floor, and are led to the mojo room. It is a closet. Or rather a pre-closet. The door leads to a small alcove and then to another set of doors which contains what we can only imagine are computers- I think they may have placed us in the server utility closet. How do I know this? The familiar whir of the computer hard drives and fans trying to keep the computers cool are going full bore. I spend half of my life in computer data centers- but I don't generally mix my work with my personal life- this is feeling weird. Smaller than any other room we have done this kind of thing in. The room contained one black office chair with a sterile pad on it- apparently only one of us gets to sit down. A tiny TV which would play a video if you so wished and they had 2 magazines. Yeah, sure, check out the videos. Umm. No I don't own a scarf to wear during this kind of thing. Does anyone wear scarves like this anymore? Click. We don't recommend the TV for anything other than a tension breaker and getting peels of laughter from sitting in a closet in a facility that specializes deposits. Major respect to DH and the other men that go through this- I can't say that I'd be able to do the same. He says it is asking so little compared to what I am going through- yet I can't imagine having the roles reversed and doing as well as he has been doing with all this.

So no mood music, no nice painting on the walls, and no shagadelic austin powers carpet or furniture- and I will never ever be able to sit in a large black office chair and not think about that day and the giggles that the experience created.
Should we ever win the lottery, I think I'd like to redecorate the mojo room and give the guys who do this alittle respect and more than one damn chair.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Please make a deposit! Please remember to mail your deposit with a completed preprinted deposit ticket. We cannot accept cash, checks, traveler's checks, money orders, credit card checks or third party checks- only sperm will do.

Yeah, we got the phone call today. They'd like us to make a deposit so if something happens while DH is travelling then we can still move forward with the cycle. I kind of saw that coming and I was slightly prepared for it. I wasn't exactly prepared for the part where we have to do it all at the main clinic (2 hours away) and between the hours of 6-10am M-F only. Wow. Kind of a narrow window. How early do I have to get up for this? Again with the anticipation of the Mojo room- will this one have shag carpet and leather seating with mood music? Or are we back to a pink room with flowered pastel wallpaper and boom box playing music which inhibits the mood and still does not block out the people talking in the hallway outside.

We called and made the appointment as requested and DH is taking this all way way better than I thought he would. I love that he is willing to do this and not take a chance that something will come up while he is travelling. He is a dear man. I have also begun putting the word out to my local support team that should my ovaries freakishly respond to the drugs - I can't very well drive on down have them suctioned out and pop back home on my own- the clinic won't allow it. So I have put the team on alert to find out who is around and let them know the schedule. By the time we finally get pregnant- as I trust it is going to happen (else why on earth would I be doing this)- the entire neighborhood will have lended a helping hand. How many people does it take to get me pregnant? Hmm, that doesn't sound so good does it?

So a bit of a strange day- though I think I am getting use to them now. Yesterday it was accepting change- and today it is accepting strange. A bad poet- and I know it!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Yup- always got to have a plan. So here it is.

Aug 22: Blood Test and U/S.
Aug 24: Start Lu*pron Microdose
Aug 26: Start FSH Stims- and stay on them for 9 to 13 days.
Oh My Gosh! I am on these things for nearly 2 weeks- 2 weeks of injectibles- 4 shots a day. What the heck is that going to do to my personality? What the heck is it going to do to my stomach? Did I mention I use to have a lovely stomach? It was just starting to look normal again... Maybe it is a good thing that DH will be gone for the last week. I am not sure I will want to be around myself. Ack, how will I eat?
I sense the indian take-out place will be most busy that week as I know cooking is not really in the cards for me. I will have to empty out the freezer and stock it with chunky monkey. I find the cold container resting on my bruised stomach comforting as well as the flavor soothing to my soul. Other flavors are acceptable so long as it says the word "chocolate" somewhere on the container. Funny how chocolate is a requirement in ice cream but not for anything else in my life.

Retrieval date is set for Sept 6th. This could change. Any of this could change. I am starting to get really comfortable with the delicate tentativeness this schedule creates. It's a bit like Mr. Toads Wild ride at disneyland. For those of you who have not yet had the experience of being on that ride- it a runaway car that takes you through several minutes of driving- where you think you are going one way and then you suddenly change course. It's strange that I have always liked the ride. Maybe I have alway just been comfortable sudden changes in the course of life.

I have major respect for the women who have done this more that once- this is not an easy process and I admit that it is most definately kicking my ass the longer I stay in it. I won't say that this process will be over come the 2nd week of september- I know better now and I look at dates with more caution. I started the IVF process in May- now here we are in August and I am still on it. I can't help but wonder if IVF#1 could possibly take any longer- but I am afraid to voice this fear out loud. The nice part about this next round of phase 1 is that I am feeling a great deal more sane going into it. I don't know if it is the blogging that helps- or the community-- maybe it is all of the those things. In any case, I am looking at this next step with more peace and anticipation than the last time we took this fork in the road.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hope crept through the window last night. I don't know if it came with the exhaustion I felt or if it slipped in while I was dreaming but I woke up this morning feeling hopeful. I am on day 2 of the patch-- I rather feel a bit as though I am on a boat again-- but this is nothing like last cycle so I won't whine about it. I was darn tired last night and put my pj's on at 6pm. I have a wrinkle now in my patch, at first I was alittle alarmed- and puzzled- I mean why the heck did the darn thing move? But now I look at it and I think "eh?". I won't be bothering to fix this, I mean, what am I concerned about getting pregnant?

I talked to the RE-- looks like we will start microdosing lupron on the 22nd and will do the major meds at a higher dose the 29th to the 6th. Now we can talk breifly about FEAR. I am not afraid of the drugs themselves- heck, this is old hat for us- we have been here before- but DH is going to be travelling from the 30th to the 6th- that leaves me alone doing the meds for a week. And it isn't just doing the meds alone that bothers me-- it is being alone that bothers me. Now normally I would relish the time alone- I mean the man steps out the door and I have some home improvement project in full go mode. I have been known to paint the house, remodel the office and yes, I even replaced his desk one weekend when he left town. But the
remodeling on IVF drugs thing just isn't going to work this round and I have a small fear about it. I mean the drugs do add a bit of drama to my personality and I worry that left to myself I will worry myself into a panic.

In any case, looks like the man will return the day we trigger and then we will be off to surgery the next day- and then back again on the 9th. This naturally cancels everything we have had planned for the early part of september- but I'd rather know now and plan for it than not.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Well I got the call today... my FSH is 7.2 so we are all systems go! I think we have also found a solution around the bad reaction I had to the birthcontrol pill and we switched to the patch. Thus no nausea so far. Will let you know when I get my protocol-- so far I will be on the patch for the next 20 days- and then we begin IVF 1.99999 again.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

We are getting back on the bus.

Today is CD2 and that means that tomorrow is blood test day. We talked it over and decided to get back on the bus and try again.

I sent an email to the RE and let him know we'd like to do day 3 blood test and see where the FSH level is and that we want to try again. If our RE isn't comfortable with high FSH women then we'd like to see one who is- so if you know of an RE who specializes in high FSH women- please send his name my way!! I'll let you know how the blood test goes and what the plan looks like as it unfolds!

Friday, August 04, 2006

It's been awhile since I posted- and I have had a really great few weeks getting back into the swing of life. Funny how if you spend all your time on one topic it grows larger and larger- and becomes so large that there is room for very little else. IF has sort of felt like that for me lately- and then as blood testing went from bad to worse- it grew and grew and so not having it as a daily topic has been a relief really. And here I am after having been travelling for work for the past week straight- alittle confused about time zones and which one I am living in, and tonite I find myself facing cycle day 1 tomorrow.

The telltale signs of cramps are rising up and it is with a welcome that I acknowledge my urge this afternoon to yell at everyone for moving to slow and for not having my urgency was indeed not jetlag as I had assumed- but the lovely personality shift that takes place somewhere between pre-day 6 and post day 4 every month. I'd like to think the pudge that seems to have settled in the middle section of my body is just alittle extra water weight that will shed right off me tuesday as I move into my cycle full swing- and that may truly be the case- however I'll add that the sodium I consumed in the past day is proably making it worse. I know, you are thinking how could I possibly know how much sodium I consumed- I mean what kind of freak would actually try and count that? I did. I don't normally do things such as that- but apparently what I now know to be a pre-menstrual attack while flying standby to get home- and going through 3 of our finest airports trying to get back just a few hours earlier to see my family- I began to count the sodium that I consumed that was printed on the back of the packages I ate - and we can just call those little packages... dinner.

I consumed over 2000 mg of sodium yesterday. It seemed to be in everything- and I tried to make healthy choices- the nuts, trail mix, crackers-- it all contained sodium. The dried fruit contained it. cookies contain- and yes, it would seem that turkey sandwiches also contain it. It was everywhere and as I snacked on whatever I could get my hands on while waiting for or riding on the next plane- I felt the puff meter of my body go up to where I felt like I had become the staypuff marshmellow man in size. It was a slightly conforting that should anything have happened to the plane- I might have had enough salt to create a buoyancy in a water landing.

Ok, so yes, Indeed- I made it home as a pudgy curmudgeon and am now faced with do I want to do my 3 day blood test and see what my FSH is this next cycle or shall I let it ride? Shall I step back on the bus? Hmmm. Well, tomorrow will officially be Day 1. I guess I will think about it and decide another day.