Thursday, November 23, 2006

2nd opinion = new R.E. Thankful for this community.

Well, I had my 2nd opinion talk with a second RE. It was enlightening. And I have to say thanks to this community for encouraging me to step out and get that second opinion. Seems that this RE would have done the surgery last month when he felt I had at least 3 possible eggs that were of an appropriate size- and he feels that the mix up in the amount of lupron I was taking was a factor and that I was most likely over supressed. This information I kind of expected-- but what suprised me was that he said for this last cycle he would not have started it-- my E2 was 103, he says he would have given me something to lower my E2 level as he never stims unless the E2 level is below 70. Hmm, now that is news. He also expressed some concern about my previous RE's urging to use donor eggs. He says that since I have never actually made it to IVF that he has no information to base the quality of my egg on and he'd rather get me to an completed IVF cycle so we can at least evaluate the egg quality to determine if a donor egg is required. He felt that being a slow responder to the drugs does not mean that I can't have bilogical children- it just means I respond to the meds slowly.

He talked to me for alittle over an hour-- and one of the very first things he did when we began to speak was give me his email. He wants me to ask questions and he said he answers his email 3-4 times a day. I also took some time to speak to a friend I have who used a DE to conceive her child. She was incredibly encouraging to me to really step out and explore my options- if I want to have a biological child then I should try that as long as I want to-- because I have plenty of time to have a DE child. Hmm, never considered that. It all has felt a bit that time was grinding down on me. It's nice to have been given a level set so I can step back and get some breathing space.

So what is my plan? Yes, of course I have one. The new RE suggested taking December off because my body seems to react better to cycles that are every other month as opposed to back to back. I like this idea because my body is clearly confused about what cycle we are in. I should have started my cycle 4 days ago according to my last RE. I figure it is late because we stopped the meds part way through the cycle. So there you have it. I am taking December off, relaxing during the holidays and the starting up in January. Very cool.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

So we opted to not do the IUI this time around- and both DH and I feel really good about not spending the 500-1000 bucks on this round to be faced with a BFN. I know, I know, I am way jumping the gun and I'd like to say that I am totally open to a miracle occuring- and I would even consider having the child studied for resilient characteristics and amazing survivor skills-because the sperm are basically going to be travelling up the blocked canal then they get to the top to find that well, the door is closed, so then they have to go back down that canal and up the other one to get to where they can meet the egg.
Could it happen? I have no idea- and I am not ruling it out. Logic says that this cycle is a wash and even though I am told the meds leave my body 24 hours after entering it-- I wonder if I was still alittle too supressed to do anything this cycle-do the meds really leave my body after 24 hours?

And then a part of me wonders- what if I just ever can't. I know, I spoke the words that many infertiles think and don't speak because what if it is true? I met this woman a few weeks ago and she did not have a uterus. Just. never. had. one. No biological kids forthcoming pretty much ever- and she seemed totally fine with it. Totally fine. I kind of want to go back and tap her on the shoulder and ask her how she does that. Is it because the opportunity was never there so she didn't allow for the possibility of it? Some days I am totally fine with this and think, we'll be one of those couples who travels alot (after we finish paying for the infertility treatments when we are old) and other days, such as this one I just can't imagine getting over it.

And then I think of the whole donor egg thing that my RE talks about as though I haven't heard him and I just don't think I can carry some strangers egg- it feels weird to me. I think about the adoption process and how long and incredibly expensive it could be-- and really there does not seem to be a good solution. I admit that sometimes look at my fertile friends and think, hmm, they would make a good donor and would I be ok carrying their egg? And then I think, how on earth did I get here? Normal people don't have these kind of thoughts. Can I blame the hormones for egg envy? DH will say that I have got to be PMSing because normally I am a sane person. I kind of wonder if there might be link between insanity and infertility because it does not bring out the sane side of me.

I went ahead and made an appt to talk with another RE- thanks for all your advice ladies, I most appreciate the guidance.
I have that appt in a few weeks and ought to be able to chat with him, make a future plan if I want or stick with the guy I am going to. In the meantime, I will forge ahead and hope for a miracle.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Instant Replay. Let's watch that again.

So yup, met with the RE last night. I thought for certain he'd be sending us packing- 4 failed attempts to get to IVF-- only one got close where I had 7 follies-- though 2 of them got large enough within the duration of the meds- and we did have the wrong lupron dosage that cycle-- could have made a difference or not...really no way to tell and I did ask about that- he said it could or could not have made a difference. Still no apology. Um, ok, I don't think we will be getting one.

First the RE talked to us about our options. Instant Replay of the same meeting I had in July, except this time my DH and mother-in-law were along for the ride. It wasn't really a conversation- and maybe because he does this all day long he is used to doing a set paragraph of speaking -- I tried on an occasion to interrupt or interject between the pauses for a breathe and he just continued the flow of his speech. Hmm, I'd give a lower rating on interaction though maybe he continued this dialogue for the sake of the DH and MIL that were along for the ride this time? I don't know. He says my options are to try again next month on day 3 of my cycle-- or to take a break and try again later. He also started down the DE (donor egg) route and I give him some credit that he was able to clearly read the signs between DH and I and the word No spoken, and let the topic drop after completing his paragraph on it. Yes, I know the chances of sucess would be higher if I used the eggs of a 20 year old. Yes, I know I am way older than 20 and moving towards my reproductive end- but I just am not ready to put the egg of someone I don't even know into my womb- sorry, I am just not there yet. I don't know if I will ever get there.

They asked me to stim once more last night and then take a HCG shot on sunday and IUI on monday-- I told them I'd let them know --this seemed to suprise them. Yeah, I know, they seem suprised alot lately. I explained that we don't really see the point of the whole IUI on monday because the one follie is on the left side- which we all know is blocked and so our chances of sucess with IUI are about as good as going at it naturally. We might as well have some fun with this and save the money but I'd call this weekend after DH and I discussed it. I think they may have forgotten about the left side being blocked. Understandable because lots of folks go through there daily and it's hard to keep the specifics of each patient in mind. I don't know.