Wednesday, November 08, 2006

So we opted to not do the IUI this time around- and both DH and I feel really good about not spending the 500-1000 bucks on this round to be faced with a BFN. I know, I know, I am way jumping the gun and I'd like to say that I am totally open to a miracle occuring- and I would even consider having the child studied for resilient characteristics and amazing survivor skills-because the sperm are basically going to be travelling up the blocked canal then they get to the top to find that well, the door is closed, so then they have to go back down that canal and up the other one to get to where they can meet the egg.
Could it happen? I have no idea- and I am not ruling it out. Logic says that this cycle is a wash and even though I am told the meds leave my body 24 hours after entering it-- I wonder if I was still alittle too supressed to do anything this cycle-do the meds really leave my body after 24 hours?

And then a part of me wonders- what if I just ever can't. I know, I spoke the words that many infertiles think and don't speak because what if it is true? I met this woman a few weeks ago and she did not have a uterus. Just. never. had. one. No biological kids forthcoming pretty much ever- and she seemed totally fine with it. Totally fine. I kind of want to go back and tap her on the shoulder and ask her how she does that. Is it because the opportunity was never there so she didn't allow for the possibility of it? Some days I am totally fine with this and think, we'll be one of those couples who travels alot (after we finish paying for the infertility treatments when we are old) and other days, such as this one I just can't imagine getting over it.

And then I think of the whole donor egg thing that my RE talks about as though I haven't heard him and I just don't think I can carry some strangers egg- it feels weird to me. I think about the adoption process and how long and incredibly expensive it could be-- and really there does not seem to be a good solution. I admit that sometimes look at my fertile friends and think, hmm, they would make a good donor and would I be ok carrying their egg? And then I think, how on earth did I get here? Normal people don't have these kind of thoughts. Can I blame the hormones for egg envy? DH will say that I have got to be PMSing because normally I am a sane person. I kind of wonder if there might be link between insanity and infertility because it does not bring out the sane side of me.

I went ahead and made an appt to talk with another RE- thanks for all your advice ladies, I most appreciate the guidance.
I have that appt in a few weeks and ought to be able to chat with him, make a future plan if I want or stick with the guy I am going to. In the meantime, I will forge ahead and hope for a miracle.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, we can always hope for miracles, although it sounds like your choice to conserve resources was a pretty logical one.

And the other choices? Well, none of them are good. That's the point. All of us here have a range of poor choices - some just have a narrower range than others. If you're lucky, you have a wide range of poor choices. Although sometimes we wish for a very narrow range where the choice is obvious, even if the outcome isn't what we would have hoped for.

As for PMS? Well, I'm sure anyone in the fertility industry expects a certain level of hormone-induced schizophrenia, otherwise I for one would have been straightjacketed well before now. In any case, the second half of a failed cycle is no place for final decisions, so it's good you have some breathing space til the next appointment.

And here's hoping for that miracle.

Bea

Lut C. said...

Bea puts it very well, poor choices indeed.

It makes a lot of sense to not invest more money and emotion in a case like this.

Anonymous said...

Bea said it perfectly about the choices.

I will be hoping for a miracle for you too, Ellie.

*hug*

zhl said...

I think the woman with no uterus has had a long time to deal with the issue and has never had the carrot dangled in front of her. I think it is harder to not really have a reason why it won't work.
Still hoping you get a miracle.

Debbi said...

what great wisdom in these comments... keep in mind (I might be stealing this from Julie, I'm not sure...):

All of these poor choices are a process. You won't likely wake up one morning and thing that one of them is the greatest idea ever. Things just don't happen that way. You are walking your own path here and it's important that you stay true to yourself and your family (present and future) while you make these decisions.

I'm always holding out hope for the miracle though.

Anonymous said...

I definitely think infertility is a contributing cause of insanity. Hope the new RE helps clear things up.

Heather said...

I go between trying to convince myself how great it would be to be childless and wanting a child more than life itself. It really sucks.

Egg envy has to be an IF thing. I have thought of so many things that I never would have dreamed of before.

the waiting line said...

not that it matters (really) but I wholeheartedly agree with your decision not to do the IUI. what the heck - the sperm are supposed to travel up the tube, see the block, and then go around?! my gosh. save the 500-1000 for something else (another IUI, other fertility treatment, or damn great time on whatever you want).

I hear the same thoughts running through my head (egg envy, that is). my 35 year old brother in law is marrying a 25 year old gal and I just know they'll crank out a kid in no time.

anywho, I understand what's on your mind and look forward to hearing about your appt with another RE. it's worth a shot!

Sherry said...

Ellie

I am so glad you decided to go for the 2nd opinion.

And as for all those "thoughts" in your head - I think every single one of them has run through mine as well. It could be the drugs and a touch of infertility insanity, but then again I think its just natural - "trying to get your mind wrapped around these concepts" kind of thinking.

Take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

This is such a difficult situation to be in. It forces hard decisions that are so easy to second guess. Good for you, making the decision to wait. It is so easy to get caught up in the trying when sometimes the protocol isn't worth the expense and emotional stress. Wish I had the guts to say no to clomid after the second round and asked for injectibles, wanted to but something always different seem to come out of my mouth at the consultations.

Beagle said...

I think I know exactly where you are coming from. I go between reminding myself that there are options and choices but then get all stuck on begin upset at having to choose from a menu of really difficult and really expensive means. So while I am grateful I am not at a complete dead end, I resent that I have to go so far above and beyond to have a chance at something most people take for granted and get to have easily (a family).

All we can do is forge ahead and choose the option that is most appealing (or least upsetting). Either way it's just hard!

That said, I'll add my hopes that you get a miracle . . . they do happen once in a while!

TeamWinks said...

Infertility is a difficult issue to deal with no matter the cause. Some women appear to be calm and have it all together, but behind closed door may cry themselves to sleep every night. We each have our own path, and sometimes all we can do it hope for a miracle and a path to follow.

VanillaDreams said...

Ellie,

Just wanted to stop by and say that I am thinking about you.

xx
Nilla