Sunday, March 18, 2007

Well I can't say for certain what possessed me to troll over to cyclesista and check out all the dec/jan and jan/feb cyclers and evaluate the outcomes of everyone. I can't really say that I learned anything from counting, some of us got pregnant, and some didn't. So I thought I might just catch up on some reading and offer some support. I am reading you all, but so far writing comments feels uninspirational, like I just have no idea what to say.

We did the D&C late last week, they moved me up a day in scheduling and then apparently didn't mention it to the nursing staff-- the door to the recovery room was ajar but we did overhear some of the staff commenting that I wasn't on the schedule. Hmm, not the most welcomed feeling but I know that I am little on the sensitive side with all the hormones dropping out of my system like a roller coaster plummeting down the hill. Hubs said the doctor came in and spoke with us after, I can't remember a dang thing so I can't really tell you what he said. I got dressed sometime around 9:30 and we headed home, I slept most of the way and then most of the day too. We burned all the ultrasound pictures and said our goodbyes in hopes that a sense of closure would start the healing process.

It's been two days since and I guess the healing is starting. I still cry, a bit less today than yesterday, I think that's proably going to be around a bit longer- and my motivation to step outside, well, I thought about it today but just wasn't up to venturing out on my own. Hubs took me to the grocery store and I found all the people and noise overwhelming. I did fine in the store, but I wasn't really up for running more errands after that.

I think we are doing ok, and we'll be fine-- but every time I hear the words "I'm sorry", there is a slight sting and I feel tears well up in my eyes. I know the loved ones saying it are trying to be supportive- and I'd say the same thing if I were in their place. I don't know what the right response would be, it seems appropriate, maybe it is just suppose to hurt and then it one day hurts less.

18 comments:

Samantha said...

I wish there was something anyone could say to you besides, "I'm sorry." It's such a terrible loss. Feeling hurt and sad is completely natural.

Take care.

Bea said...

How can it not hurt?

I hope one day it hurts less, too. I'd like to say soon, but really I hope it subsides at the *right* time. You wouldn't want to cut your grief short.

Bea

Adrienne said...

It hurts today, and it will hurt tomorrow. Someday it will hurt less, that I promise. Take care.

Thalia said...

It does just hurt, and it goes on hurting in pieces for a long time. We're here while it's hurting, and after.

serenity said...

*hug*

We're here for you, ellie. No matter what.

I am wishing you much healing and peace right now, hon.

Carol said...

It will hurt less one day. I know that's hard to imagine now. When I was in the depths of my sadness after my miscarriage, I couldn't imagine it never not hurting - but it does get better.

I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find peace and healing soon.

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm praying for you and your husband, Ellie. I hope that brings some comfort to you right now.

{HUGS}

the waiting line said...

I wish I knew the right words.

Thinking of you.

Tara said...

I never know what to say. But know that you've been deep in my thoughts and I am wishing you all the best that's possible.

I'm so sorry.

Sarah said...

i like your idea of burning the scans and saying goodbyes. that seems like a very healthy approach. i hope it does start the healing process soon.

Nearlydawn said...

Hey, Ellie.

I've just been through this sort of thing myself. We just lost our pregancy because it was ectopic.

Surgery was difficult, and healing from that was hard, but the hardest part has been the healing from the sadness of what could have been.

I'm not saying I'll have any grand words of wisdome, but if you want to talk, feel free to email me...

nearlydawn @ gmail dot com

Beagle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beagle said...

Thinking of you.

xxoo

Keeping The Faith said...

Ellie- I think of you everyday. I hope your doing okay and finding some quality alone time w/ your DH so that you can both heal. Post when you can. You have many people that care and support you.
-Faith

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Oh Ellie, I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

Venusuvian Debs said...

Thanks for the comment, I thought it was very inspirational. All I can say is I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Sending lots of virtual (((hugs))).

Nicole said...

Thank you for writing about your experience. It definitely helps me not feel so alone, to know that someone else is experiencing the same thing in recent weeks. It's such a sad time.

Lut C. said...

Oh, Ellie. Of course your heart is broken.