Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Day 5
This morning I woke up- yep - I am still on a boat ride gone bad, but my stomach tolerated food well before lunch time which is the first time since I started these damn BCPs. This puts me in a good mood overall. I even got up and made coffee for DH this morning. Ok, yeah, he started the process but I *did* put it into a cup for him. I think that counts as progress. He has been really great about not eating around me. Take your pick of the issues I have with it: the smell regardless of what it is - horrible- and yes, even ice cream smells! The sound of chewing from across a room is deafening. The fork touching the plate is akin to nails on a chalk board. These all feel like an assault on my senses. Is it rational? Absolutely not. But he has been really great about giving me the space and I love him all the more for it.

I am trying to adjust and accept that I just feel strangely fragile lately. We had dinner with friends this past week and I felt like it was an entire evening of saying something and then immediately wishing I could take it back. I just kept talking and talking, hoping beyond all hope that by doing so I could force a connection with them and feel normal. But I didn't bother to stop and listen- and I am so ashamed of that. I feel as though I have somehow skewed boundaries of appropriate and I am unable to tell what is acceptable until well after the moment has passed. My head is in a fog bank and the only thing I am able to do well is cry at the drop of a hat about anything. It proably would be better to preface all my future communication with "I have no idea what comment is going to pop out of my mouth, this isn't really me but a hormone induced facsimile that seems to have taken away my ability to interpret normal human interaction signals. In many many months when this passes we will be able to laugh at my bizzare behavior, but please don't laugh now because it makes me cry. Everything makes me cry."

I cried when the dog left to go for a walk this morning. I cried because my pants feel tigher today than they did yesterday and yesterday I felt enormous. The neighbors scale says 140lbs- but I am certain it is wrong. I rationally understand that the neighbor would not diabolically alter the scale and skew it so I appear lighter or heavier than I really am. I cried because I checked my weight and why would I do that? I don't even watch my weight! Then I cried because I cried. And the weird thing about it all is that I am in a really good mood today.


Keeping The Faith said...

sorry.. I can't help but laugh. This is such insanity. Lord help us! And the ironic/ unfair thing is that we are like this and NOT pregnant. If we are bloated, emotional and feeling all over the place we most definitely should be pregnant. This had better pay off :-)

I also feel really alienated. I have basically put all of my friends at an arms length. It's just too hard and I'm too tired to keep up the facade. I'm focused on IF... it's in my every waking thought and I cry at the drop of a hat. Non-IF friends (which is all of my friends) just don't know how to deal w/ it or what to say. Thankfully we've only told a select few b/c it's just too personal for me. I find my support through my husband or through cyber-friends.

Pixxiee said...

It kind of feels like you have a really thin skin, doesn't it? Noise is too loud, things are too hard, food is too smelly, energy is lacking.

Hang in there!

UtRus said...

hiya ellie. thanks for visiting me on my blog, and i see you're kinda new... so welcome ;) (I mean, I wish you didn't have to be here, but since you are... since we all are...)

I really hear what you're saying about your mental state. you describe it effectively. i have felt many of the same things that you're feeling. the tangle of hormonal issues AND the situational stress that we're going through is quite substantial.

I most definitely and humbly suggest some professional support. I really can't express enough how much it helps. it doesn't mean my anxiety or depression feeling are GONE suddenly. not. but talking to a professional has given me a lot of insight and it feels so good to have an objective person help me figure things out. and, if you're anything like me, some of the anxiety is ABOUT the anxiety itself (why am i feeling this way, oh gosh here it comes again, hey i've felt pretty good today - i wonder if i'm going to start feeling bad any second now...) and my therapist is a total pro at chipping away at this vicious cycle.

hang in there. you are not alone, and we can get through this!