Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Day 12

I want my mind back. I can't say for certain where it has gone, only that it has not been here most of this past week. I can shrug and say that because I have a headcold that perhaps I am a bit more blurry than normal and that having what feels like a fish bowl around my ears could account for some of my haze. With this cold, life feels muted. Noises sound duller, food lacks taste and I move slower walking the neighborhood as if I am in the fog unable to see the sidewalks edge. Tentative with each step. This all makes me cranky as it does not fit the vision I have for myself- stepping boldly into life and embracing each new event. I lack the patience to do most tasks and my voice takes on a sharp tinge to it that even leaves me wondering who is speaking in such a harsh tone. It occurs to me that I am not only sick, but angry for being sick. A lethal combination not only to myself but to those who are around me.

I know the cold is a giant life sign to SLOW DOWN. I had plenty of warning signs. I even broke my little toe a week or two before from not watching where I was going. I suspect that everyone who jams their little toe could say the same thing- I mean really do we ever intentionally slam our toe into furniture as we walk past it? I have Preoccupation. I have been living my life as it is on HOLD, putting off decisions and events until I know the outcome of the IVF. I know I am doing it to save myself the hassle of making plans and then having to change them. If I put off the decision until I know the outcome then I won't have to change the plans and do any schedule shuffling. I confess I started to do this on a on a smaller basis during the IUI phase of conception- most of my travel indecision has to do with flying on planes to events of family and celebrations. Take a breathe here, because this insight into how my mind works could be frightening. I think this way normally and I do it completely sober without the use of added stimulants such as caffeine, alcohol or any other substances.

Each month, I calculate out my calendar so that my work travel schedule and my social schedule would adjust to my IUI (and now IVF) schedule, blood tests, and ultrasound checks. Then my scheduling expanded and I began to factor in future possibilities. I can't travel in the 3rd trimester so I eliminate all travel 6-10 months out. Makes sense, I mean if I do the IUI and it is sucessful then I am going to have to change the plans might as well skip making the decision and saving myself some time. The next future factor is I proably won't want to travel for the 1st trimeseter- what if I am one of those women who is queasy the entire first trimester? That's not good for travelling- so I have now narrowed my window to nothing this month, possibly nothing next but also nothing 1-3 months after that if I am sucessful and then nothing the 6-10th month as well.

I can't visit Aunt Bessie next January because I may be in my 3rd trimester, and I can't visit anytime in the next 5 months because I could get or be pregnant. I can't feel certain that the 2nd trimester would work because I'd have to BE pregnant to fully schedule that-- and the time will continously shift a month for each month we are not sucessful. My life window just shrank from being able to schedule nothing for the next month out to nothing 10 months beyond with a shifting start date so I just schedule nothing for the next year.

I think this way- and have basically been living my life in a holding pattern for over a year. I got onto a plane and never got off-- circling the airport of IVF. I rush forward to greet each new month and then place the next one on hold waiting to see where this leaves me. It is akin to looking at clothing mail order magazine and seeing a skirt I'd like to order but am not ordering it because I won't be able to wear it if I am pregnant and I may not like it after the whole birthing process is complete and I skrink down to my normal size. You have no idea what kind of fabulous wardrobe I would now own if I did not impose these strange rules into my life. It's a LIMBO, and a limitation that no longers works for my life. Maybe what the cold is trying to teach me isn't just to slow down but to engage and participate in life as well. Create a haze to see clearly? Slowing down creates space for me to see that I have been busy adjusting a calendar for a life I don't really feel I am leading and I really don't think I tripped over my furniture and broke my toe- I think I fell over all the what if's I have strewn about the floor. What if I don't get pregnant this next month? What if I have to do the whole IVF process a second time? How could I have thought that living in the future with no focus on the present would bring me peace? I think now that I'd rather schedule and cancel, than to not have scheduled at all. Bring on hawaii, and if I am throwing up the entire time on a beautiful beach then at least the trip will be memorable :)

I have my tentative calendar of my IVF schedule and retrieval day is set for June 27 or 28th. Another month of my ramblings as I continue on this process.


Hopeful Mother said...

Hi there - just wanted to say hello. It looks like our retrieval dates will be about the same.

I can relate to your waiting/scheduling/procrastinating dilemma. The exact same things go through my mind all the time.

Best of luck to you!

Meg said...

Hi Ellie. I know the feeling. But I try to hold it back as much as I can, because we really don't know whe or if the limbo will end. Last year when I was choosing my classes (I'm a teacher) I made myself choose without assuming I would be taking maternity, and I'm so glad I did, because we found out early this year about out IF, so I won't be neding the leave (yet). Plans can always be changed later, know what I mean? x

Meg said...

Wow, that was super-assvicey. Sorry!