Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Another View

I have spent the day breathing in, breathing out, well, just breathing really- and I have had to make a conscious effort at that- I am not a happy camper and in the course of one phone call with my RE my whole sense of Zen snapped and I want it back. How on earth did I go from average IVF patient to high FSH maybe donor egg IVF patient. I talked with DH last night about the whole egg donation thing. The pineapple martini helped a bit to ease the sting of my FSH level not being what it should. And I admit it- I was kicking myself a bit about not having a lower number. Can you blame me? I mean I am a master test taker- I score well on everything I do- I excelled in college- I loved going to school and I would have never left if it were for the fact that I have to earn a living. For crying out loud, we take educational classes when we are on vacation!

We talked about the donor egg thing while making dinner. We aren't ready. We aren't ready to give up on us yet. We want a baby but we'd like it to have my ears and his eyes. My smile and his athletic ability. His wit and my laugh. Will we get all that in a baby? Maybe not, but we'd like to try and we are not yet ready to let go of that. So my nimble fingers did some walking - and isn't the internet a really cool thing? There are a few centers where they specialize in women with a high FSH. Now I'd like to think I am not going to get lumped into this high FSH category-- I mean heck, I just got here. My spelling scores have been way below the line for the past year- and why is it when you fail one test that's what everyone focuses on? Yetch!

So learning is good and I am checking around at my options- and we have them. We have options. And I get it. I really really get it. There is no quick fix. I can't just wander on down to the 711 and pick up a solution- what works for one of us may not work for the other. And it has taken me a few days of breathing to get to a place where I am more quiet with this. It may take longer to be completely at peace with it. But we have a new plan. I know you all were waiting for it. Can I get through a day without a plan? Why on earth would I want to do that?

So my plan is to do nothing this month. Nothing at all. Sit back and enjoy wine that I have lived in fear of drinking. I may stay away from the pineapple martinis because I woke up with a headache the next day after just one (Good grief, I have become a cheap date!). I plan to drink tea and coffee and triple mocha frappachinos or whatever the heck I want. And Eat sushi, lots and lots of sushi! Sit in Hot Tubs! I don't think I have sat in a hot tub for over a year! And I love hot water- oh, and bubble baths. I have so missed bubble baths... So there you have it. My plan is to have a life again. Continue my accupuncture because I like the place I go and they rub my feet. Continue taking my vitamins and continue taking care of my body. And in 23 days when my cycle begins- if I feel like it- Step in the door to the Lab and take the Day 3 FSH test and then decide what we want to do. We have options. And doing nothing is one of them.

So why another door? Well, when I last went to Europe I fell in love with the doors. I drove my travelling friends crazy because every time I would see a door I'd take a picture of it. I couldn't explain my fascination with doors then but I like that they are an entrance or an exit, that life is arriving or leaving- and it is always changing. My DH says he thinks the reason I like doors so much is because of what lies behind them- and that I can alway see through to the possibility. That I am unafraid to step into a door and see what life is handing me. I think it is that change is inevitable and with change one door closes and another opens. Life is like that, you step into the door way and it's all in front of you.


ChicagoGirl said...

I think your plan sounds fabulous! Congratulations on getting to the "zen" place where you can just focus on taking things slowly right now and getting back to enjoying life. Enjoy the wine, hot tubs, and bubble baths (and good luck with the FSH next month if you go ahead with it).

Lut C. said...

A break sounds great, especially with all those wonderful plans.
I'm starting to feel ready for a complete break myself. Soon, but not yet.

Have you looked up some things about high FSH vs. antral follicle count?

Kris said...

Mmmm....pineapple martini. Enjoy your break. I'm trying to enjoy mine- to remember I DO have a life outside of IF. epe

Beagle said...

I don't know a whole lot about high FSH but there are some docs that specialize in it. I have one online friend who now has a beautiful baby girl, high FSH and all. There is a high FSH DB on

Sorry for the shocker news. Wishing you the best as you work through your options.

the waiting line said...

the doors (both pictures and metaphor) are great.

I toast to your basque in "nothing" plan which is quite full of lots of great things - the wine, the hot tub, the sushi, to name a few. good for you.

I've got my fingers crossed that if you later decide to open another Day 3-FSH testing door, that there is a much lower number on the other aside.


Meg said...

ellie. Love the door imagery.

I am impressed at the speed with which you have taken all this in hand. Clever girl. Break sounds like a great plan.

Love to you.

zhl said...

Well, that must have been quite a shock. I know there are good places who specialize in high FSH. Hope your month of relaxation helps.

VanillaDreams said...

Hey, I love doors as well! Does that sound weird to say that?!!? ;) I have though, I've always loved interesting doors, I just find them fascinating. In one of my art classes I even chose to paint a picture that included an interesting red door on the side of a building. So, if you have any more door pictures, I'd love to see them! :)

You are taking the shock of the FSH news really in stride, and I admire you for that. I think your plan sounds wonderful, coffee, wine, sushi, bubble baths, and living life, etc., are all fabulous ideas!! I (personally) don't feel that 22 is an end-of-the-world number. Of course, I am no expert nor a doctor, but I have done quite a bit of reading on the subject, and once you do more searching online, you'll find a lot of women who successfully conceived with high numbers, even higher than yours. So, I still think there is a lot of hope there, and there is no reason to think you have to go straight to DE without trying other options first! I hope it goes well for you, and that next month's FSH is back where it should be.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. :)

Thalia said...

Impressive how you are coping with this shock news. Enjoy your month off, I've been loving my coffee and sushi!

serenity said...

I am so glad that you are looking forward to your break, sushi, coffee, baths and all.

And yes, there are places that specialize in high FSH. If you and your husband are not ready for donor eggs, then definitely keep looking at other options.

I am hoping for very good things for you.

Pixxiee said...

What a great plan. Isn't it amazing how something like that can come out of left field and knock us for six...but then we find a way through. A door. A plan.
Enjoy your month of indulgence!