Saturday, July 08, 2006

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" --Dr. Seuss

I was feeling mostly optimistic this past week- and thought as I began the remaining 3 days of a 2 week wait that this really isn't so bad. Yesterday was a particularly weepy day for me- not nearly as weepy as others but yeah, I cried while watching a star trek movie that I wasn't even really watching. I began spotting yesterday and tried to remain positive. By evening I was positively starting my cycle. It's actually 1 day later than I suspected it may be- I have an abnormally short lutenizing phase- it runs about 10 days on average- and is an apparent point of contention with the dr who insists is is suppose to be 14 days. Yup. I'd love for it to be 14 days. It's not. Never has been. But I got 12 days this go around if I round my numbers up. Yes, I know- some people have their periods when they are still pregnant. I am not one of those people. I am still going in on Monday for the blood test- it will be cycle day 3 (cd3) for me. And I will just say it out loud, "I am disappointed and I am sad'. Not much I can do about it other than take a little time to grieve, take care of myself and move on.

I'll proably be alittle weepy and quiet all weekend. We have alot going on this weekend- I just don't know if I am up for it, I just want to hang out and be quiet. We talked this morning about what to do next. My clever doctor already discussed a Plan C with me to move back to Plan A. Nice- we have attained a Full Circle and are back at the begining of it all. So it will look something like this:

Monday: Beta Blood Test/Other Blood Tests/Possible Ultra Sound
Tuesday-Thursday: Cry, Walk, Work, Sleep
Friday: Begin BCPs (with Zofram so I don't throw up an entire week again).
Remain on BCPs for 20-25 days possibly longer with ultrasounds and cysts checks weekly at least.
Somewhere around day 25 or so- begin IVF drugs again and prepare for IVF #1, Take 2.- approximately 10-15 days later.

The bright side of this is with a 5% success rate using the IUI method- we weren't hoping for much- but it is disappointing that even with 2 eggs looming around in there- that the little guys and the eggs did not make a connection. Maybe it is just me looking at the ultrasounds- but the eggs look huge- I mean how on earth could you miss them? Seems like they'd take up the entire pathway coming down the tube and the little sperm would be running for their lives like that boulder scene in the first Indiana Jones film. No where to run so they'd just get picked up in a snowball effect. I rather worry that I have squished them all and that is why it didn't work. Not really the case though is it? Why do I suddenly feel as though my fallopian tubes are as wide as a interstate freeway?

Ok- so there is the plan- and I admit, I am grateful we went over an alternative plan to begin the initial plan again before I got my period and rationale thought left the building. I can't imagine having to make a decision now when I have spent the morning arguing with the dog who can't really even speak. Yup. My dog and I are having a spat. He can be a sweet little dog and perhaps the beginning of the spat is our fault- we let him on the bed last night to snuggle with me when I was feeling sad- he now believes it is his bed. He is quite huffy I closed the bedroom door and is giving the drip sprinklers the eye right now. I sense he plans on having plastic tubing for his mid morning snack today.

When I started down this IVF path- I had this vision that we'd just do it- we'd be in and out- and bam pregnant- just like that. I never imagined that delays were even possible and that even with all we know that our bodies are still a bit mysterious. I like that I am still alittle mysterious- but I'd have preferred to run on schedule with the initial plan. I hate being late. I always joked that I am genetically unable to be late. I am usually 5-10 minutes early everywhere. If I am late, my friends think something serious has happened to me. 15 minutes late is not possible and everyone who knows me well will tell you I just don't run late. Apparently my cycle shares this same need for punctuality. At least we are in sync.

So I have 2 days left in my time off. Today will be gardening, walking the dog once we make up and he agrees to not damage my drip irrigation tubing and maybe a visit to the neighbors if I feel up to it. A quiet day and cancelling some stuff for next week because I know I won't be up for it.


Debbi said...

I'm so sorry that your period arrived, Ellie. Hang in there and do something nice for yourself, ok? Take care.

Meg said...

Oh crap, Ellie... (You sound sane, though. This is good.) A big hug from me. x

ChicagoGirl said...

I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work out for you. I'm sending lots of positive thoughts your way for the next cycle.