We did the ultra sound today. No heart beat. At 7 weeks, 4 days-- there ought to be one. We ended up cutting our day short and came home to grieve. Tomorrow we go back for surgery- then I'll take a few days off to heal. We can't thank everyone enough for all the support and encouragement you've given us on this journey-- I don't think we can continue it anymore. It's just too painful and we need to take care of ourselves and our hearts and get back to the process of living. Hugs to you all still on your journey--

We go in on saturday for our ultrasound. I'm scared. Beyond scared actually, I don't want to go at all. It's suppose to be the first time we'll see our baby's heartbeat but all I can remember is the last time we did this and how the heartbeat was low- and then a few days later it was gone. It was so sad-- and I just don't think I am up for doing that again emotionally. I'm afraid it is all going to happen again.

I'd feel better if I had some other symptoms besides being tired. So far- that is about all I feel. Anyhow, just writing down my thoughts in an effort to purge them from my head. Sometimes putting all your fears down takes the power away from them.

Now how many of us can say we had 4 beta tests? I am gathering it's not the norm- and I'm not complaining- I'd happily give blood every week if I got a take home baby at the end of it. In fact I think if we get to a point where we transition to a normal docotrMy 4th beta came back at about 1800. I'd hoped it would be at least 1500-- so the number not only met but exceeded my expectations. Yipee. So there ya have it- I am very pregnant, which I prefer to possibly a little bit pregnant. Now we just need to make it past the heartbeat which is scheduled for the 28th of this month. I am feeling tired all the time and I get cranky at the drop of a dime- and require food at least every 2 hours now. All green light signs.

I promised I post the 3rd beta results- good or bad. It was a really rough weekend trying to not think about it and not watch my body for any possible twitch that I might mistakenly think is a etopic pregnancy going off. No blood or severe cramping the entire weekend- but I also didn't really feel pregnant. Tired, yes- but not really one iota of any other symptom. By sunday we were convinced that I'd be miscarrying again so at dinner I had this amazing seared ahi on wild rice and a lovely glass a markham merlot. I woke up at 3:30am unable to sleep and pondered whether I thought I could live childfree and be ok with it. At 7am I gave up sleeping having pretty woke hubbys up with all my tossing and turning -- we headed for the lab before breakfast.

The lab had all of 2 people waiting for a blood draw and I was one of them! Yeah, that first person to the lab and not having to wait an hour never happens to me- and I suspect that the other person in the lab was a regular who really must have complained about waiting because the technician who did my draw talked about how clients complained about waiting often- and there was only her until 8:30am-- she seemed delighted to know that other labs have much much longer lines that her one or two people.

So .... I am still pregnant and my hcg is climbing! And what did I say when the clinic called to let me know? I blurted out that I had the wine and tuna...because of course I wondered if I somehow was now going damage the little bugger with the fete from the night before. The doctor assured me that normal children have been born in circumstances much more dire than one glass of wine. Ok, so I won't make it a regular event.

I go back for a 4th beta next week just to make sure that the numbers are still climbing and all the hormones are suppose to be doing what they should be doing. I'm not complaining- I'd rather know that everything is where it should be and not chance another miscarriage (one is a plenty to live through).

So as of today-- things are good. We are cautiously happy. We'll remain cautiously happy-- I don't think I have the luxury of being carefree at this point- but maybe after I pass that 12th week, we give have a little squeal of delight.

Where to start? I just got the results of my betas today. The first beta (tuesday late morning) was 16 and the second was 28 (thursday early morning). Not quite the doubling number that we had hoped to see -- so I go back in next monday and take a 3rd beta. Several possibilities as to why the second beta is low-- and the only positive one is that perhaps implantation just occurred late and we are just starting to climb. The other possibilities aren't really all that thrilling- with one being an etopic pregnancy and the other being incomplete implantation and thus a miscarriage.

Can I just point out that the whole waiting part just plain sucks? I am off to a family reunion this weekend-- and I hope that it will provide a distraction from all this- I have this looming fear that if somehow this pregnancy isn't viable that it just isn't going to happen for us and we move onto to a different kind of life. How do you just let go of something like this?

So we are back to the waiting phase. I'll post again after my 3rd beta and let you know- good or bad.