Saturday, September 09, 2006

Back to Plan B again. This is proably the most disheartening part of all the back and forth we have been through for the past week. The point where we finally reach a decision and take the trigger meds. We got 7 follies in total- but having spent the past few days trying to make them grow-- they just aren't. The two largest ones are continuing to grow and the remaining 5 are not getting to where we need them to be. No amount of chanting, candle burning, whale music or affirmations is going to make them move any faster. The good news is we got 7 follies so I know my body can make them-- this is way better than the 2 we came up with last go around. Bad news is that we are back on Plan B and doing IUI again.

DH isn't taking this so well- I think the >5% chance of this working is not encouraging and the fact that we keep trying this method and are getting no where with it. He feels it is kind of pointless. I can see his frustration and I know I shouldn't feel it- but I do- I feel like I am the reason we are not getting pregnant. He keeps saying it is not my fault- but how can I not feel a wee bit responsible for this. Would another woman be able to create life with him had he opted to be with someone else instead of me? I know, I am not suppose to think like this- but honestly, how can this not seep into my thoughts? How can I not be accutely aware that other women don't struggle like I do to have children.

It's not a done deal yet, I know this, and I know we have the rest of this cycle to see what happens with the procedures we will do over the next 2 days. It was a rough cycle overall with the higher dose of meds, the back and forth about which procedure would be the best for us and DH being gone for most of it. I can only hope that it all works, because honestly, I am just not sure I have another one of these in me.

14 comments:

Bea said...

Ellie - this back and forth must be exhausting. I'm sorry to hear about your sense of failure. You know, in your head, none of it's true, but it's hard to believe it in your heart.

Stupid heart.

Bea

SmarshyBoy said...

This thought plagues my wife too. Let me tell you what I tell her, and I'm sure, SURE your husband feels exactly the same way. I married my wife because I love her ans I chose to go through life with her. I am happy I made that decision every single day. The thought of whether another woman would have been more fertile if I had chosen her has NEVER entered my mind. I would choose my wife over a baby any day of the week.

Thalia said...

I'm so sorry Ellie, it's so bloody hard. I know what smarshboy says is true, and my husband says it too. And he did have a pregnancy with a previous girlfriend (she had an abortion) so I feel it really really strongly every time we hvae to fill out one of those forms for the clinic that asks how many previous pregnancies you've had.

It has just been a really tough couple of weeks. My clinic always says that every cycle is different. I'm sorry that you had to go through such an uncertain time, I hope that the memory will fade soonn.

Sherry said...

Ellie

I think its perfectly normal to feel somewhat responsible - we are told as women that this is one of the reasons we exist, right? To bear children? I certainly have felt that way more times than I care to admit.

I think it is a natural part of the grieving we need to do as IF's - mourning the fact that we just simply can't have children as easily as it seems the rest of the world can...

In any case, I will keep my fingers crossed for you and dh with this cycle, I'm sorry its been such a difficult one.

Zee said...

Ellie, I know it's hard not to go into the mindset that it's "your fault," but you need to fight against it. For VB and me, one of the problems is that I'm older. And each time we get a negative I can't help but think that if our ages were reversed (or if he were with a younger chickie) he'd be a dad by now. He always assures me that HE never thinks this, but the fact is, I do.

Like the others said above: Your husband chose YOU, not your reproductive bits--but still, I also know it's easier to give this advice than to take it.

Debbi said...

Ellie - you're so right when you say it's not over yet. Even though your chances with IUI aren't great, they're still better than not trying at all.

having infertility isn't anyone's fault. it's just a really suckful hand of cards you've been dealt. Know that your husband chose YOU, not your ovaries or uterus.

Debbi

VanillaDreams said...

Oh yeah, I totally know what you mean about feeling responsible. And I mean responsible in the sense of my medical problems are what has us in the IVF boat to begin with -- ie.: there is absolutely nothing wrong with my husband's sperm. I'm sure he could have knocked up another more fertile girl in one month!! LOL

I wrote about this in length in my post after my blighted ovum/chemical pregnancy was confirmed in August.

But, I do feel badly, even though I know it is not "my fault" that I had Ovarian cancer and we are stuck doing IVF.... But I just feel badly that we are going through all of this, and getting no where fast, because even my husband is starting to get incredibly frustrated.

That sucks about your treatment being changed back to IUI...I'm sorry you are going through the uncertainty.

I have a question though -- why is your chance of an IUI working less than 5%??? Isn't that lower than the "average" statistics?

Anyway, I really wish you the best cycle, and hope things turn around for you.

Take care,
Nilla

chloe said...

I think it helps to reverse it - if he were the problem, you wouldn't think of leaving him or regret choosing him right?

the waiting line said...

I hear ya. Sorry this is so damn frustrating.

It ain't over though. Keep on chugging along. We're all here for ya.

sube said...

Oh, Ellie. I'm just catching up. I can't believe the rollercoaster you've been on. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all this. Hang in there. I'm thinking about you.

serenity said...

Ellie - I am also just catching up and am so so so sorry to hear about the rollercoaster you've been on.

I totally understand feeling like somehow you are responsible for everything. It's hard to make yourself believe the truth - none of this is your fault.

*HUG*

Kris said...

Sorry about all the constant changes this cycle. How frustrating. And I hear you about the blame game. I feel it all the time. I know I'm not supposed to, but like you, how can I not ever think abut it? I know H doesn't blame me, but I definitely blame myself.

Hopeful Mother said...

Ellie, I'm just coming back from vacation to read your updates. You are strong woman. This back and forth has been unbelievable. I relate to your feelings and thoughts- except I expect that my husband feels that way since we are dealing with MF. We marry because we love - everything else we go through in life we deal with together, like smarshyboy said.

I am praying for a good result at the end of your 2ww...

steph said...

I'm battling the mind demons of 'my fault' infertility as well. For the first time, I verbalized it to dh. We were sitting on the couch, having a cry after the negative call from IVF #2. He asked me what I was thinking and I just blurted out that I was so sad to have disappointed everyone - again. Our parents wanting THEIR OWN grandchild, no niece or nephew, and knowing I failed dh again by having crappy eggs.
He responded in turn by blurting out that if this was the case he would have left me after failed IVF #1. Or for that matter, after being diagnosed with IF in the first place.

But this nagging will always be in the back of my mind and I'm quite sure everyone else's dealing with IF. We are women. Having babies is supposed to be natural, not this CONSTANT uphill battle.
Oh well.
We are not alone in our mourning.