Tuesday, September 12, 2006

We can see the finish line. We have now lived through another round of bcps, shots, ultra sounds, blood tests, the pink mojo room and IUIs. We are in the 2 week wait.

The last post was hard. Crushingly hard- and I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the amazing support I received from it. The community of bloggers that I have shared this common thread with -- you have stepped up and held a space for me to
grieve and process and simply just feel. You have come from all over to express that you have felt the same as me- and while I don't wish this journey on anyone- thank you for letting me know I am not entirely alone. And a special shout out to the lone man who was so kind with his words -- and who makes an effort to share the male point of view in the struggle with infertility. Thanks to you for your perspective-it was so nice to have you re-affirm what my DH has been telling me.

We did not go into this last phase of the journey with high hopes. For us it felt like a huge let down-- and the whole process seemed to have grey pallor once we decided to do the IUI. Two days in a row we met at the RE's office to complete the task at hand. Both times we left with heavy hearts and how can we not- we have been on this path many times before with no different result. One tube working, plus age working against us--our chances of sucess are half what the average couple our age gets. It's a struggle to come to terms with this. I know it can be done. Fate landed me in the hands of a woman this week who has no ovaries- never has. She was at ease speaking about it as I wiggled in discomfort. It was a good insight and I wonder if she wasn't somehow placed into my life to offer a completely different perspective? I don't know- but I feel fortunate to have met her and had the opportunity to speak.

It should be an interesting 2 weeks. I am redoing my garden again-- seems to be an endless chore. I finally decided to give up trying to figure it all out-- I called an expensive landscape architect whose work I loved, figuring that it is better to just pay once and have a great yard- than to constantly have me redesigning it -- I reasoned that the cost of me putting in plants then discovering they really don't grow well there- killing them and then having to get more plants wasn't as cost effective as having someone who knows what to do work with the space. I thought that since I look at the yard daily- the vision of what is ought to look like may be skewed and that fresh eyes would revive my vision. The architect came over last night-- looked at the yard and explained that she really generally does larger projects and with our budget we could not really afford her services. She then went on to explain that she'd be happy to go through the yard with me and point out what she'd do if it were her project and I could take notes and then do the work or hire someone to do the work. She spent 2 hours with me--gave me the names of dozens of plants that grow in the spaces I had been struggling with- and basically redesigned my entire yard for no charge. I was speechless. How on earth did I get so lucky. I mean who does that? This person didn't know me from anyone- steps into my yard and decided to give 2 hours of her services to me. A small streak of sunshine began poking through our grey clouds. I can do this 2 week wait. And if it doesn't work out- I step up, greive, and continue with life. I feel hopeful. Cautiously so.


ms. c said...

You can make it through this 2ww, Ellie!
Sorry sorry about all the ups and downs this cycle. We all know what a toll it takes on us and are here for you through the next couple of weeks, and beyond.

Bea said...

Can I keep you hope alive for you two? It's hard to keep hope for yourself, after all.

What a wonderful landscaper. Guess you'll be busy now, at least.


serenity said...

Ellie, you sound so much better. It makes my heart smile.

But I am with Bea. I will also keep hope alive for the two of you. I am hoping for the very best result.

Love to you.

Keeping The Faith said...

Elli- You’ve been through so much this cycle. Gosh- how incredibly rough. I'm sorry that you've been on this roller coaster. About time you got off !

Even with your particular circumstances, there has to be some hope w/ this IUI. Your RE wouldn't even bother to do the IUI if they didn't think there was a chance it could work. I'd absolutely love to hear you get good news from this cycle.

How nice that the landscape architect went over your yard with you. Working with your hands in the soil is so therapeutic and nurturing. I hope you find enjoyment in this continuous project :-) Will your doggy be giving you a hand or causing you agitation as he/she tries to undo all that you complete...  :-)

I'm thinking of you during this 2WW.

Beagle said...

Wishing you a lots of luck this cycle. You surely deserve it.

Hang in there!

Meri-ann said...

I've just caught up with your blog Ellie and really want to wish you all the best for this 2ww- you've got us all cheering you on from the sidelines and I truly and honestly hope that this time you guys get the joy that you deserve.

zhl said...

I hope that the landscaper is just the start of your good news.

So sorry that this cycle has been so difficult.

NikkiNix said...

AAAAAMEN! Just keep yourself busy :)

sube said...

May the garden provide a pleasant distraction for you during the 2ww. And may there be blooms for you all around!

Lut C. said...

The 2ww is almost 1/3 gone.

Do you have any wild plans brewing for the garden? It was very nice of the landscaper to help you. She must be passionate about her work.

Alli said...

The emotional roller coaster is the worst. It's so hard - compounded by the plethora of hormones one has to take at any given time.

I'm here for you!

Bea said...

Ellie - do you mind if I hijack your comments to ask you for more detail on your luteal phase problem? Did you get messed up after fertility drugs? When the bleeding starts, what's it like - spotting/light period/full period/cramping/sort of heavy/inflamed sensation just like getting your period but with less blood/lower back pain???

Your comment *was* very encouraging to me - it's nice to know things can swing back to normal eventually. I just want to be able to believe this is going to work *some day*.

Any and all gory details thoroughly appreciated, and I do hope your 2ww is going ok - I keep checking here, but I guess we're still a long week or so away from a result.


StellaNova said...

What an awesome woman to give you all of her advice for free. It gives you renewed faith in general humanity when stuff like that happens. I'm sure your garden is now going to look beautiful. I struggle with the same issues with mine but I persist - it's reassuring to at least see some fertility in action.

I hope your wait is quick and your results are good.

VanillaDreams said...

Hey Ellie,

Just popping in to say hello and see how you are doing through this 2WW. You have been so quiet!

I hope you are feeling well and things are going okay.

Will you be having a beta soon?

Wishing you the best for this cycle,

Kris said...

I've just caught up on my reading? How are you doing?

Jen said...

hoping and keeping fingers crossed that this 2ww ends with great news. not just great garden news