When
is
Life
Perfect?









I am a closet paint by numbers fan. I admit it freely- and this is my first public admission. No one is really aware that I do this- even my DH hasn't really seen me paint- I do it when he is out with the guys and I need alittle peace and quiet. It's alittle like meditation for me- I just get into a groove and the time flies. This is the picture I have been painting now for close to 3 years.

I was travelling in paris one summer and very inspired by the artwork. We just been out to see Monet's garden and it was in full bloom. While I have some artist skill I have never felt comfortable using canvas. I have painted on walls, fireplaces, porch floors and driveways- but never a canvas. I wandered into a department store and there was this paint by numbers painting. I had no idea it would be difficult- and I initially got it thinking I would pass it along to my niece. Unfortunately when I spoke with her (or fortunately for me really) , art really wasn't her thing so I figured I would give it a try myself. It's alot harder than I initially thought- and the numbers are written on the canvas are really really small. Some days I wear reading glasses when I am working on it so I can read the tiny light brown numbers on the canvas. I have to say that I never thought it would turn out looking so decent- and my goal has been to complete it and have it framed. Then I plan to send it to my friend who I travelled in France with- and who gave me hours upon hours of teasing because I bought a paint by numbers canvas in France and hauled it all the way home.

Believe it or not, I actually learned a great deal about life from this paint by numbers picture.

• Don't be afraid to make mistakes.
• Don't be afraid to not follow the directions- they are really more like guidelines anyhow.
• Mix it up a bit- color is the foundation of life but we don't all see them the same way.
• Exlpore and try new things.
• Different isn't bad, sometimes it is just different.

Funny what you can learn from a paint by numbers. I like the first one the best- I can't even find the mistake I made in the picture so far and I confess that sometimes when I was working on it and I got tired- I used the color I had on the brush whether that was the color I was suppose to use or not.

Anyhow, overall I think the thing I enjoy most about painting it is that I get be comfortable with not having perfection. I'd like to be perfect- but I'm not. What I love about being creative is that perfection is what the finished project looks like to ME. I have a hallway in my house that I painted years ago. The paint is uneven, streaked and I even got splotches of it on the ceiling. DH walks through the hallway and shakes his head in exasperation- that I have not yet fixed it. The thing about it is... the color is perfect. I love the color of my hallway- I don't even get bothered the terrible paint job. It has a perfection all it's own and I like that when I walk through it I not only get to revel in the color surrounding me- but I am also reminded that life isn't perfect. It's not a bad hallway to walk through as I head out the door and into the fray of living.

No Austin Powers Mojo Room?

I'll first begin with my exciting visit to the ER this Sunday. Second time in my life I have ever been to the ER or to any hospital really at all except to visit friends who were there. And I have to say that the people who work there are incredibly nice. I have no complaints about it at all- they were professional and really made sure I was ok. It was a very pleasant experience. So why did I pop on over to the local ER this weekend?

Well yes, a bit of a story really-- I had had a headache most of the day and figured it was from the escalating hormones- I had done my HCG shot the night before- and I figured the headache was a side effect of that. I really didn't know. DH had come home the night I was doing the HCG shot and he was feeling poorly but I figured it was dehydration because he'd been in a race that day and he always alittle dehydrated when he comes home. The dog was sick that night too- but it wasn't until much later that I discovered why. The neighbor across the way gave me my trigger shot (barely a day goes by when I don't feel fortunate they are so close and so open to sharing our lives in this great of detail) I mean who woudl not want nieghbors like this? In any case, I got feeling worse as the day continued- but figured I'd just move through it eventually. I didn't and ended up spending a large portion of my evening huddled on a towel in the bathroom being sick. I called the IVF Dr. since I was undergoing IUI in the morning and I was unable to keep anything down and had been unable to for several hours. I admit that combo of hormones and being sick are not good for me. Lately I have been sick a few more times than I like and when the stomach is in a funky way I feel as though I am going to die, alone, and no one will find me. I am not a normally dramatic person (or perhaps I am and no one is telling me the truth?) and DH would eventually come home and find me- so I know this isn't reasonable. I mean it is not as if he leaves and only visits me weekly, the man appears each night for dinner and has consistently for 3+ years now. So being sick, and the whole dying thing when I am can be attributed to the hormones I think.

The Dr. I normally work with was not available but one of the other Drs. called me back and suggested I wander on down to the ER and have them look me over in case there is something wrong. It was a kind of yes go, wait maybe not, no,no you shoudl go kind of conversation. The neighbor rang at about that moment to check on me (can you believe her timing?) and off we went to the ER. DH was called on the way- since he was in the next town over. I know he really wanted to take me to the ER himself- but it doesn't make sense- I mean he is 30 minutes away and the neighbor is right here. The neighbors hubby walked me over the car and hugged me goodbye- he was very nice, I kept wondering if he knew something I did not and maybe I was not coming back home :). Why did he hug me goodbye?

So off to the ER and it was good I went - they stopped the stomach thing- and headache-- and rehdrated me with an IV drip. Also did a check to make sure the ovaries were still all happy and not over inflated. DH showed up and swapped places with the neighbor. They did a beta blood test which was 478. The ER doc had no idea what make of it. (It means the hcg shot absorbed into my system really well!) He called the IVF doc and my regular guy answered this time. They agreed on the protocol to address me and then he asked to speak to me. He said " Your fine, they will do an ultra sound and then you will go home" . I think he meant it to sound reassuring but it came off sounding more patronizing. This of course could be due to the fact that I was hormonal and throwing up- a lethal combo for interpreting behavior overall. And the thing about it is- his phone skills are not the best in normal circumstances- but he is quite good in person. Kind of a hip guy who wear sneakers, likes to shake my hands and do high fives. Male bonding at it's finest and I am warming up to him- he is a bit eclectic, but we are told he is very good and in the long run we don't really care whether he has the personality of a sponge (he doesn't) if he is good at what he does.

Ok, so the end of the story- yeah I am getting to it. We left the ER hydrated no longer feeling ill and by the time we left I think we were the only people in there who were not escorted in by the men in blue(police). How odd to work in an ER really-- One of the guys who worked there was telling me when he first started he didn't more than 1 beer for the first 2 months because he saw so much in the way of alcohol related illness!

Did I mention the dog ate was sick on saturday night at 4am? Yeah, I possibly didn't mention why he was sick? My poor sprinkler system seems to suffering the most from it all from these chewing bouts he goes on. He ate more of my drip irrigation- the part right near my lovely roses who won't look so lovely now that he has eaten their water supply. Aside from the drip irrigation tubing the dog has a affinity toward refrigerator magnets as well. We are beigning to think he like black palstic in general- though I have seen him consume a plastic toy motorcycle in one bite. I do wonder if one day we'll come home and he have hoover'd the whole outside of the refrigerator clean of magnets. I took out pet insurance on him when he was much younger figuring that with his hoovering skills he will possibly one day eat something that does not pass on through to the other side. I am not looking forward to that experience- but he is good practice for babyproofing the house.

Ok, so on to the good stuff. We did the IUI yesterday and everything went smoothly. Such a huge relief from the weekend- and the woman doing the IUI part was flawless in her technique. No pain, so bleeding, no cramping, no tears- much different from the past IUIs we have had. Though I mistakening thought that when we went to a larger fertility clinic that they would have a room dedicated for the men- you know, to offer their homage to us women to use in the process. A sort of mojo making austin powers kind of room with black furniture and a TV playing the porn channels. To ease the process along. No such mojo making room, no black leather sofa, no TV endless spewing the porn channel, no porn at all. We got a pink examination room covered with soft pastel flowers and a boom box playing rap music and we could not figure out how to change the channel on it. And they asked us to lock the door and put a do not disturb sign on the outside. Like no one knows what we are doing in here? I can't imagine they use that sign for anything else! Credit to DH for being able to handle it all so well. I doubt I would be able under the same circumstances were the roles reversed!

So now we are in for the 2 week wait. Can I wait 2 weeks for the blood test- Will I give out to the evil pee stick tests that I can not read half the time anyhow? We'll see. I had to start buying the exact same OPK's (that is ovulation predictor kits for those of you not into the lingo) because I found the different brands move the control line- so I am looking at the tests and I get a solid blue line- only to discover (several days later) that I am looking at the control line and not ouvalting but I have been keeping DH busy- and will now need to keep him busy because the corrected line says it is time. He was not complaining about it but it was a tiring month or two until I settled into one brand with the lines in the same place each time :)

The doctor was far more encouraging today when I went in for a check up --He initially gave me a less than 5% sucess rate with IUI's but he says that with my numbers the chances look higher than that. I have no idea how much higher- but with any luck this will stick and we'll finish this journey and move onto the next.

Ok, I have been Tagged!

I was tagged by KAC (see my links) - thanks. This ought to keep me out of trouble for awhile!

7 things I'd like to do before I die:

1. Tell all the people who have touched my life how much they have truly meant to me.
2. Take DH to Paris on an Musuem trip because I know he'd love the art musuems as much as I do.
3. Have one of my funky business ideas click and become a reality.
4. Write a book that makes people laugh or helps them.
5. Figure out how to be the alpha in training my dog. I currently think he is winning.
6. Swim with Dolphins- though I worry that this is far more exciting in mind than in person- and I don't want to come out smelling like a big fish.
7. Learn to cook amazing meals that I want to eat. Wouldn't going to the Cordon Bleu school of cooking be awesome?

7 Things I can't do:

1. Sing in Tune
2. Follow Directions on a recipe. ( I am all about short cuts...)
3. Clean and organize 1 room in entirety without walking into another and starting to work on it too.
4. Keep my desk clear for more than 3 days.
5. Curb my optimism about everything.
6. Say No and not over extend myself (but I am learning...)
7. Watch scary movies without knowing the ending.

7 Things that attracted me to my Husband:

1. I have never laughed as much as I do with him.
2. He is the nicest person I have ever met.
3. He likes live theatre (plays and such) more than I do.
4. He plays board games- even plays scrabble- though he says he's a bad speller.
5. He eats my cooking and likes it.
6. He asked me out on a second date on the close of our first one- for the very next night! Decisive :)
7. He listens to me.

7 Books that I love:

Wow, this is a tough one- I read so many darn books- and then just toss them along- these are the ones that I still have lying around so
I have read or referenced them several times.

1. Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris.
2. Most anything written by Shakespeare
3. A Christmas Carol by charles dickens ( Read it if you have not- it is quite funny)
4. Harry Potter Books by JK Rowling
5. The cook books by Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger
6. Anything written by Dr. Seuss
7. Illuminated Prayer by Marianne Williamson

7 movies I'd watch over and over:

1. Shakespeare in Love
2. You've Got Mail
3. Wallace and Grommit The Curse of the WereRabbit
4. The Old Scooby-Do Where are you cartoons from the 60-70s.
5. Any of the Documentaries by Ken Burns
6. Indiana Jones Raider of the Lost Ark
7. An Italian Job

7 people I'd like to tag- because I love reading their blogs- and they some don't really know me they have inspired me in some way:

• paula @ life of pixee
• zhl @searching for zanity
• sube @ waiting for crumbcake
• beagle@fortune cookie follies
• jamie@babywait
• hopeful mother
• utrus@adventures in IVF

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

Day 35: Last Day of Stims!

DH has been administering shots to me 3 times a day for the entire week- and he's really catching on to doing it. Tonites shot-our very last one- was almost painless. The entry was perfect, if it hadn't of been for the solution which stings a bit I'd have not noticed I was getting a shot at all. We bungled the exit manuever alittle bit- normally he takes the needle out and then places the alcohol pad over the insertion point and I hold it there to stop any bleeding. Tonite he did the same thing but presses down a bit on it- a bit of an ouch- and so I don't recommend doing that :)

I have been pretty lucky overall with very little side effects from the drugs. I think my face was strangely red for part of last night- and it looks alittle red again tonite. Some fatigue, bloating, and my tummy looks like it had a really rough week with the holes and some bruising- but I am thinking I am overall pretty darn lucky!

We did the ultrasound and bloodwork today- and the three little follies are still there- we are now at 10, 15 and 17 for size respectively. For all practical purposes- I basically have 2 follies to work with. The smallest one isn't going to grow to the appropriately needed size by the time we proceed with plan B. Yes, this is the first time I have mentioned a plan B.
We didn't have an Plan B until just a short time ago when the dr. called and suggested we not do IVF this month and instead do IUI. IUI is now the plan B. It is the practical decision- and we have alot going in our favor-- we have 2 follies which could get lucky and it is the right side- the fallopian tube on the left was possibly blocked and so at least I know that we stand a chance with the right side. The only thing that bothers me alittle is that we have tried this method before and not been lucky with it- and I do dread the 2 week wait time. I guess I was kind of looking forward to the whole petrie dish part of IVF where I would know the fertilization was taking place before I got them back and it was one less thing for me to do.

So the plans changed. Change is good. I was posting to some friends that really all I have to do is find a way to inspire the little soliders to come on up the right tube to meet the follies. Mood music. Frank Sinatra " Come fly with me" or "I've got you under my skin" I am sure the people reading my blog who are not familiar with infertility topics must thing I am bonkers. I realize the mood music is not going to make the sperm march up the fallopian tube and greet my fat follies, but do I really have to serious about this whole process? I don't think it is necessary. Oh, "Ain't no moutain high enough"
Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell- Good One! Any suggestions on mood music to inspire the soliders?

Day 33 This is going better than I planned

We have 6 days of stimulants under our belts! Ha. That was kind of a literal bad joke since we are having to do the subcutaneous injection right near the belly button. I don't think normal people are going to get my humor now- and DH and I have been laughing at pin cushion jokes every time we have to do the injection process. It's nice to giggle a bit through it, but hard to stop on command when he has to actually inject the needle.
Today I had my blood tests and ultra sound and accupuncture too. It has been day filled Needles.

The ultrasound results are not as great as I had hoped. I have 3 follies on my right side- sized 8, 10 and 15 respectively. We need the 8 and 10 to grow fast- and the 15 to slow down a bit and not become a dominant follie. We have nothing happening on the left side- be nice if it kicked in and produced a few follies as well. I'd hate to have the right ovary go to the party alone! The bloodwork results are good and I go back again for another utlrasound and blood test on Friday. Please take a few minutes out of your day and say alittle blessing for my ovaries-it sounds like they could use alittle help.

Other than feeling a tiny bit disappointed that I don' t have as many follies as I'd like - I am still in good spirits. These things can't all be controlled and sometimes we just have let go and trust that things will work out. It reminds me of when my Dad was explaining to me that the universe would just take care of me if I let it. I was in my late 20s and had just been laid off from a job I dearly loved- and I was crushed. No money coming in and no job potentials in the immediate future and I thought how on earth am I going to live? I had my own apartment at the time and the last thing I wanted to do was move back home- not because I don't want to be with my folks- but because I was trying so hard to bloom and be independent.
My dad sits me down one afternoon and tells me to trust that it will all just get taken care of it I let it happen. And I am looking at him and thinking, "he's gone bonkers." He tells me to light a candle for the next 7 days for 30 minutes a day and for that time to concentrate on giving away the issues that bother me. I figure, heck, why not, it's not like I haven't got extra time- no job, what else am I going to do? I do it. A few days later an outdated life insurance policy contacts me and tells me they are closing their doors and do I want to cash out my old policy? A friend is experimenting with new recipes- do I have time to try some of his dishes? Another friend calls and offers me freelance work for a few days. I don't know if it was the universe taking care of me or just pure luck. I'd like to think it was the universe because it instills a sense of comfort in me -knowing that if I fall someone will pause and help me back onto my feet. It's a nice thought and it's alot less stressful to set my worries aside for a bit each day and just trust that whatever happens it - just happens and I will be ok regardless.

I am pretty good about letting the universe take care of me now. Most often I feel fortunate that I meet so many interesting people and they all seem to be so incredibly nice. What are the chances of that! It's kind of cool, and I try to remember that when I meet someone who isn't really nice, that they proably aren't feeling great- whether it is emotional, or physical, or spiritual- all those can affect us and sometimes when I am feeling mean it is because I hurt. Maybe this is the case with everyone else as well.

Day 31 (10th day supression- 3rd day stimulants)- Confused?

Yes, we have started the stimulants now. One shot in the morning, and one shot at night of stims. Plus the supression shot at night too. I am feeling alittle bit like a science experiment- being poked with shots 3 times a day, plus the counter is still filled with other omnious drugs that i have yet to be told exactly how or what I will be doing with them. It's less stress in the sense that I am feeling more emotionally even but more stress because I have to keep straight what I am putting into my body and when.

The first stim shots were done in Las Vegas- we toted a cooler with the drugs to and from Vegas to make sure they stayed at the required tempatures. Fear of doing the first stim shots hovered over my first day of vacation. I responded with little adverse reactions to the suppressants- but was worried about how my body would react to the stims. Overall, the reaction has been minimal and I have been quite fortunate. I am grateful for this.

I have no doubt that I trust my DH infinately- I am letting him inject me three times a day and I trust him implictly to do this. I can't say I have had this type of trust in past relationships. I think it is a very intimate process and is seems to be taking a bit of a toll on both of us. In giving me the shot - even if they are meant to be under the layer of skin - there are still nerves that travel in the area we are shooting. Sometimes the shots do not hurt at all- a tiny prick and nothing else. Other times they smart quite a bit and we have proably gotten close to a nerve. The menopur most definately stings a bit on entry because of the salt in the fluid. Salt on a open wound- much the same. I know it would bother me to do this to someone else- and I know DH is struggling with giving them to me. I can understand this- and I love him all the more for doing this.

So we did the first round in Vegas- and it was uncomfortable- but I got over the fear of the side effects and though I am alittle fatigued from them- and I occassionally have a head ache that appears and disappears-- I can't quite put my finger on where exactly it hurts. I have signed the mountain of paperwork and now I just hang out with the drugs for the next 6-7 days. It is going to be a long long week.

So the highlights of Vegas were the pool at the hotel-- and hanging out by the pool in the morning before the heat became too extreme and the crowds began to roll in. It would have been great to have some quiet time- but quiet and vegas are not synonomous. It is not possible to have quiet in vegas- no more than it is possible to walk a straight line through a hotel. We discovered that to get to anything you must walk through several casinos, all shows are at the back of the casinos, all hotel rooms are at the back of casinos and no casino has a direct path to anything. We saw a few great shows- the beatles cirque du soliel show- and the o water show- both fab. I might as well mention that the pirate fight at treasure island was frightening- and I stood watching it at 9:30 pm completely horrified that children were present and watching the women in tiny bikinis gyrate their hips across the pirate ship in a battle against the pirate men who took part in some very dirty dancing. It was like an MTV video gone tacky bad and I couldn't help but wonder- what kind of message is this sending to the children who are watching this and what the hell happened to the swashbuckling pirates? I looked around and only I seemed to be alarmed that this entertainment was taking place in front of so many small children. They even used the words "adult candy store" in the script they followed. Ugh. Just when I begin to think we have made progress as a culture I step into our fastest growing city and discover (much to my disappointment and dismay) that America must want the treasure island adult candy store show- why else would it be packed every time they show it?

I think it may take a bit for me to get comfortable with that notion. As for the gambling- the slot machines don't even require that you pull a handle. You just hit a button on the machine and it turns the wheels for you. Soon there will just be a box for us to deposit money into it- and we won't need to turn the wheel- we'll just give the moeny away.

Anyhow, the mini version of this is -- great break. surreal location for vacation- and meds went well so far.

Dinner Table Talk.. I Think Not

Day 24 (3rd day supression)

Just a quick note to say- I feel totally great. My energy level is back to where it is, I have been laughing again. I think I am back to a more normal state and each passing day makes me happier to not be on the BCPs- I knew they were affecting me- but I didn't really know how much. Messing with Hormones is a tricky thing. Anyhow, I spent the day cleaning the porch that I am getting ready to repaint. And planning the honeymoon. Yahoo. I am totally excited about that part. Hawaii. I dream of becoming a sun drenched goddess. Don't worry, I burn so easy, you will be able to identify me as the woman who is wearing the giant hat and all the sunscreen. I use to envy the girls in school that came in looking all tan and relaxed. Now I can appreciate my pale skin as I have far less wrinkles than if I had spent my days in the sun. Still to tan just alittle, is that asking too much?

Well, it won't be happening today- overcast again- nearly the whole month of June is like that and this morning my heat came on- it was below 66 in the house! Yikes. We call this summer? We are heading to Vegas later this next week for a few days to relax.
Normally I would not be all excited about the surreal experience awaiting me where everything is bright lights, noise, people, gambling and smoking everywhere. But we are staying off the beaten path alittle in a quieter hotel where casinos do not consume the entire lobby and we can pick and choose our exposure rate to all the noise and lights and crowds. I think it will be a really nice time- and I am looking forward to it more now that I am feeling so great! I still have a few more days of work- but I admit I do look forward to being warm again.

Happy Weekend!

Day 23 (2nd supression day)

We did our first supression shot last night! Alittle overwhelming digging through all the drugs that the pharmacist sent to find the one we are suppose to start with- and we have 3 bags of needles that I have stacked in a corner in the kitchen so we don't have to look at them. We brought our awesome neighbor over for support- and she talked us through the process. She explained the needle sizes that we have and what they are used for and talked about the feared progestrone oil shots that are coming in a few weeks. Neither DH or I seem to be able to get comfortable with these as the needle is large and it is a intramuscular shot. The oil is pretty thick and requires some pressure to get it out of the needle. As the pressure to get it out of the needle is some effort I can't help but wonder how that will feel going into my body? I have yet to hear anything good about these shots and we are not looking forward to having to either give or recieve them later this month.

I think it was harder on DH having to give me a shot than it was for me receiving it. And he was very brave. He filled the shot and we picked a spot to put it in, then he slowly poked me and released the meds. He was incredibly tender and very careful to not hurt me. I felt alittle prick of the needle- and that was it. The well known side effect of a little itching around the needle site and I had a vague light headache later that evening. It could have just been from the build-up of having to take the shot. Other than that- nothing. Ok, my boobs hurt- but this would not really be different from any other day this past month so it hardly requires recognition. Easy. A HUGE relief really to be done with the first shot. We do the second one tonite- with our neighbor again I suspect- as DH gets more comfortable with the process. It becomes more clear to me every passing day that I live in a community that is very different from other areas.

I remember moving into the neighborhood and not really getting to know to my neighbors for the first year. They were having a yard sale one weekend, which happen to be the same weekend that my ex was coming over to move his things from the house.
I walked over to the yard sale just wanting to get away from it all and as I was talking with my neighbors I began to cry. They were so nice about doling out hugs and being supportive. It is ironic how I lived there with my ex and never met them and that once he moved from my life- the whole neighborhood opened up. They began to invite me over for dinner. It became a nearly every week thing. Now here we are years later- the group has grown to include more neighbors- and they are all people I can truly say I would have made the effort to be friends with even if they had not lived on my block. The fact that they live near me allows me to share more in their lives (and they in mine) as well as have distinct advantage of not driving after happy hour- I can just walk the few houses home.

Maybe a side effect of this new drug is over sentimentalism? Wow, it may be a long rest of the month for everyone on the block. Perhaps I ought to warn them? Nah, they most likely see if coming- and knowing me - this is not an unusual phase.
Anyhow, today I am feeling good. I am looking forward to a large breakfast and may even consider cooking tonite. After living on take out of pizza and burritos and whatever else I could dream up while battling the BCPs- it might be nice to get back to the business of eating again. So I am off to put on my wellies and head out into the garden!

Day 21

I think today is a celebration day! It is the last day I have to take the BCPs! I am just plain relieved that after dinner tonite I will not be consuming another one of those evil pills again. Yes, Yes, I know - this is of course assuming that none of the other drugs that arrived in a box on my doorstep about an hour ago will make me feel as awful as this last one. The box of drugs arrived- and I have to say it was alot smaller of a box than I had antipated. I was expecting something along the lines of a large screen TV box, that I pictured would arrive and two large men would have to carry it to my door. I think this smaller box is a good thing, I unpacked it and the many bottles and containers seem fairly innoucous. Takes alittle of the fear out of what tomorrow holds with DH and I going about giving me my first shot.

Today could also be cause to celebrate that it is the first day that I have not felt completely lousy! Since I have undertaken this phase of my life- I have:
- broken my little toe
- spent weeks dealing with a constant feeling of being on a boat.
- tossed my cookies more times in the last 2 weeks than in the last 10 years.
- caught a head cold
- caught the flu
- somehow hurt my back, though since I can't walk I have no idea how I did this.
So yeah, in general it has been a long long long 21 days. And today I get to step off the boat and I get my stomach back!

The overwhelm that I experienced earlier this week is nearly gone- we drove to the Dr. to get our drug training on what and how and when to administer each drug for the next 14 days. I can't say what was going through my DH's mind, but his eyes were saucers nearly as large as mine as they went through each process and what was required for him. This is truly a step of ture love having your partner administer meds to you. I think I stopped breathing a good half way through the meeting. Nothing really could have prepared me for my schedule. We begin with lupron this friday, then next friday we add two stimulant meds and drop the lupron to half of what we will start with. So I start with 1 shot this week, but next week we will be doing 3 shots a day. I have not yet figure out what all the pills, etc that arrived are for. This will truly be a chemical adventure like no other. Anyhow, I am awaiting the call of the pharmacist she will go over everything with me as a refresher and I have dedicated the veggie crisper in the frig the location the meds will reside for now. The accupuncturist I see will be pleased with this choice of locations as she has been telling me to eat warm veggies for weeks now. Cold veggies are bad and so I am foregoing lettuce for stirfry veggies.

Day 15

I am thinking more clearly today. The cold is either lifting, or I am adjusting to it and all other things. In addition to the cold, I have been experiencing intermittent sharp pain under my right shoulder blade. Yes, yes, yes. I *did* go to the doctor. I immediately think -blood clot- and why wouldn't I? What the heck else could a woman plugged full of hormones and in serious need of drama consider when she adjusts her pillow at 2am and is blinded by pain. The doctor was thinking it was a muscle issue. I must have pulled it doing what? I broke my toe weeks ago but it could be the strain of taping my little toe to the toe next to it and walking about in flip-flops. I go back again next week, but I'll be seeing the RE team so I might just be asking them rather than my general doctor. Can't some of this stuff be related? Isn't it just alittle odd it is all popping up now?

I go in monday to learn about my upcoming new Meds. I will be hugely relieved to not be taking the BCPs anymore. I have cooked once, maybe twice in the last 15 days. I don't think this is a popular phase around the house. And I'd be just as happy to not be frequenting the pizza shop. You'd think for as little as I have been able to eat that somehow, alittle of the clomid weight would fall away. And yes, I know it is completely nuts to be worried about a little weight gain when I am trying to get pregnant. I can't account for my strange yearnings.