I have been pretty quiet lately. I figure I proably ought to just touch base and let you know what is on my mind lately. I hopped back on the work travel bus this week-- I have have quite a hiatus from it as I have been pushing any travel I might have back so I can deal with IVF stuff. Needless to say, the clock ran out and I am now faced with several trips coming that I can no longer put off. One one hand it's great- my mind gets a break from all this thinking and I can get my work done-- but on the other it takes a toll in having to adjust and then readjust my schedule to fit in the whole IVF thing around my work schedule and around what little social life I have.

We were not planning on getting back on the IVF bus so soon- on the other hand the numbers looked good this month and we finally figured out why last month was a bust. The temp physican assistant called in the wrong dosage of lupron. So my microflare lupron wasn't really a microflare ( a kind of quartering of the dose)-- it was more of a doubling of the dose. I am not happy about this, but honestly what options do I have other than to just suck it up and move forward.

AF showed up today. It wasn't a suprise, exactly. She gave me little signs that she might be coming- a ravenous appetite for sugar of any kind, small pangs in that area, an inpatience for anyone driving, walking or talking within a 10 feet radius. The most telling sign was the sinking feeling. Like when you know that you aren't going to get the answer you want but you don't want to know it- so you pretend that for awhile longer it just isn't what you know it is. Then she shows up and arrives in full flowing glory. Definately no denying she is here. This would definately make me not pregnant. Again.

Not really much else to say about this. We are disappointed, no way not to be really- you don't go through all the effort of trying if you don't plan to suceed. When we started down the IVF path we truly were innocent. We honestly thought that we'd just pop into the RE's office, schedule the process and we'd be done with it and on our way to baby. We had no idea that we'd encounter problems that made it so we were not able to even get to the IVF process.

So we are sitting with the latest results. Not sure what is going to happen next. We'll stick close to one another, step back a bit and heal. Make plans to be with close friends and just take care of ourselves and remember that we have a life outside of the IVF one that consumes so much of our time.

We can see the finish line. We have now lived through another round of bcps, shots, ultra sounds, blood tests, the pink mojo room and IUIs. We are in the 2 week wait.

The last post was hard. Crushingly hard- and I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the amazing support I received from it. The community of bloggers that I have shared this common thread with -- you have stepped up and held a space for me to
grieve and process and simply just feel. You have come from all over to express that you have felt the same as me- and while I don't wish this journey on anyone- thank you for letting me know I am not entirely alone. And a special shout out to the lone man who was so kind with his words -- and who makes an effort to share the male point of view in the struggle with infertility. Thanks to you for your perspective-it was so nice to have you re-affirm what my DH has been telling me.

We did not go into this last phase of the journey with high hopes. For us it felt like a huge let down-- and the whole process seemed to have grey pallor once we decided to do the IUI. Two days in a row we met at the RE's office to complete the task at hand. Both times we left with heavy hearts and how can we not- we have been on this path many times before with no different result. One tube working, plus age working against us--our chances of sucess are half what the average couple our age gets. It's a struggle to come to terms with this. I know it can be done. Fate landed me in the hands of a woman this week who has no ovaries- never has. She was at ease speaking about it as I wiggled in discomfort. It was a good insight and I wonder if she wasn't somehow placed into my life to offer a completely different perspective? I don't know- but I feel fortunate to have met her and had the opportunity to speak.

It should be an interesting 2 weeks. I am redoing my garden again-- seems to be an endless chore. I finally decided to give up trying to figure it all out-- I called an expensive landscape architect whose work I loved, figuring that it is better to just pay once and have a great yard- than to constantly have me redesigning it -- I reasoned that the cost of me putting in plants then discovering they really don't grow well there- killing them and then having to get more plants wasn't as cost effective as having someone who knows what to do work with the space. I thought that since I look at the yard daily- the vision of what is ought to look like may be skewed and that fresh eyes would revive my vision. The architect came over last night-- looked at the yard and explained that she really generally does larger projects and with our budget we could not really afford her services. She then went on to explain that she'd be happy to go through the yard with me and point out what she'd do if it were her project and I could take notes and then do the work or hire someone to do the work. She spent 2 hours with me--gave me the names of dozens of plants that grow in the spaces I had been struggling with- and basically redesigned my entire yard for no charge. I was speechless. How on earth did I get so lucky. I mean who does that? This person didn't know me from anyone- steps into my yard and decided to give 2 hours of her services to me. A small streak of sunshine began poking through our grey clouds. I can do this 2 week wait. And if it doesn't work out- I step up, greive, and continue with life. I feel hopeful. Cautiously so.

Back to Plan B again. This is proably the most disheartening part of all the back and forth we have been through for the past week. The point where we finally reach a decision and take the trigger meds. We got 7 follies in total- but having spent the past few days trying to make them grow-- they just aren't. The two largest ones are continuing to grow and the remaining 5 are not getting to where we need them to be. No amount of chanting, candle burning, whale music or affirmations is going to make them move any faster. The good news is we got 7 follies so I know my body can make them-- this is way better than the 2 we came up with last go around. Bad news is that we are back on Plan B and doing IUI again.

DH isn't taking this so well- I think the >5% chance of this working is not encouraging and the fact that we keep trying this method and are getting no where with it. He feels it is kind of pointless. I can see his frustration and I know I shouldn't feel it- but I do- I feel like I am the reason we are not getting pregnant. He keeps saying it is not my fault- but how can I not feel a wee bit responsible for this. Would another woman be able to create life with him had he opted to be with someone else instead of me? I know, I am not suppose to think like this- but honestly, how can this not seep into my thoughts? How can I not be accutely aware that other women don't struggle like I do to have children.

It's not a done deal yet, I know this, and I know we have the rest of this cycle to see what happens with the procedures we will do over the next 2 days. It was a rough cycle overall with the higher dose of meds, the back and forth about which procedure would be the best for us and DH being gone for most of it. I can only hope that it all works, because honestly, I am just not sure I have another one of these in me.

I have stopped sending emails to cyclesista to update my schedule. Why should we all suffer through the daily shift of the cycle protocol? What I thought would be IVF became IUI to then become IVF and now... well we just don't know what it is. Today the ultrasound revealed that I still have 6 follies. Whew, at least that part hasn't changed. They are 23, 19, 15 on right-- and 10,10,10 on left. So we are looking at 3 viable ones right now. It never occurred to me that they all would not grow at the same rate. Do they know that we are currently living in what is called the Participation Age? Ahh, yeah, that means we are suppose to participate.

So where does that leave me? I. have. no. idea. And instead of worrying about this- I don't care- ok, I really do, but I am currently too tired of thinking about this to think any longer and I want a break- I want to do all the things I haven't been able to do for this cycle--I want a hot bath with bubbles and a glass of red wine with dinner. I miss doing situps and ab work in Pilates class and I know I am not a patient person. I'm not. I am really not. It makes being patient all the more difficult. Ok, now that I have finished my daily whine- I am going to go back to waiting. I have no idea what will happen next- stay on meds and do IVF later this week, trigger and do IUI, or stay in this holding pattern and decide at my next ultra sound...

Um, how long can I stay on the stims before I start to look like a giant follicle myself?
**********************************************************************
Update:
Well Bless the RE for really wanting this to work as badly as we do, how totally cool is that? I know that we are paying the man to get us all knocked up but he is totally dedicated to the cause and I do find it comforting. He is going to have us do the meds again tonite and then ultra sound and blood work again tomorrow. He will talk to us tomorrow and decide the course of action then-- he is hoping we will be further along and can do the surgery on sunday.

Which way am I going? I am utterly stunned and alittle confused, and I did alittle victory dance in the kitchen this morning.

I don't often dance in my kitchen but alittle celebration is in order today. My left ovary decided to come to the party. I have always been a little bit of a late bloomer. I am now looking at a right side of 19, 14 and 10 follies and a left side of 9, 8, 8 follies. In 2 days I have gone from 2 to 6 follies. And my left ovary suddenly decided to join in. I was starting to think the whole left side was a dud, with the blocked tube and all. Go late bloomers!

What does this mean in english? We are again switching back from IUI to IVF. Yes, Yes, I know I was just moved to IUI two days ago and now we are going back to Plan A. I am going to stay with the current stims I am taking and we go back on Thursday to check with another ultrasound and bloodwork. If all looks good then we have a retrieval date of saturday the 9th or there abouts. Did I mention that I got a post card in the mail from my regular OB/GYN to remind me to come in for a check up. Yeah, um, I really want to spend more of my life having yet another person up there? -- I am getting a wee bit too much traffic in that area- and if this all works- the OB/GYN will be peering up there soon enough. No need to rush it along- I don't think the view has changed in some time.

So there ya go. Back to Plan A. And DH gets home today! Yipee.

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."- Henry Wadworth Longfellow

I went to do the U/S today- we are still at 2 follies. I am back at Plan B again. We will continue to do the stims and then later this week do IUI. For those of you who are not immersed in IF lingo, IUI is inter-uterine insemination. They just help the swimmers get on up there. The little guys still need to find the egg and do their business naturally. Now it doesn't seem like this would a difficult task- I mean after all we have taken half the journey for them by placing them in the uterus. Millions of little swimmers and 2 illusive eggs. Adding up to a less than 5% chance success rate.

It's a little hard to be optimistic about this process when we have done it before 4 previous times all unsuccessfully. But like the quote above indicates- there really isn't much I can do about the 2 eggs. I have not spoken to the RE about a new Plan A. I thought it might be better to wait. Don't get me wrong- I'd love to have a new plan A- but it seems disrespectful to call it a total loss before we have even done the IUI. I want to be fully present and do everything I can to make the environment a pleasant one. This way even if it does not work I will know I did what I could at the time. And I am a tiny tiny bit hopeful- and I want to be hopeful. For as much bashing as I give hope - and I freely admit there are days when I'd like to leave it at the door- but I need it, I need to have in my heart the belief that this will work, else why am I here.

In other news I have had several friends drop over with meals for me or have me over for dinner-- I am grateful for this. As you know my cooking skills go from "pretty awesome" to "I am scared to eat that" when I am on stims. My friends have rallied around me to help out and it is pretty cool to have a show of support and eat better this week than I have eaten in the past month. While I can survive on pizza, it's nice that this week I don't have to. And all I have to do is focus long enough to heat it up- so I have only had a few minor issues where I start heating the meal and then forget I was heating a meal and start another one. You could say I have a very limited attention span this week. I also contacted a gardener who is going to swap out my drip irrigation system to something less tasty so the sweet little pup will have nothing to chew on except his chew toys in a few weeks. I am thrilled about this- and though it will cost a little bit to do it, I think we will saving in the long run by not having to replace so many parts.

How many dogs I own.
The number of times I have now tried for IVF #1.
The number of vials they took in blood this morning.
The number of shots I take every morning.
And every night...

Perhaps we want a drum roll here for added build up... yeah, the number of follies my right ovary is producing- with the left not doing a dang thing. 7 days on stims and 2 follies. And the left not doing a dang thing. The follies are currently at 11 and 7. Not my most impressive number really. Last time I had 3 follies ... and the left side not do a dang thing. Today I am crushed. For those of you unfamiliar with IVF, 2 is not a good number. Pretty much any number over 4 would be a good number. Most REs won't do the procedure with anything less than 4 follies.

Oh, I know, I will rally and recover but wouldn't it be nice to get some good news in the area of procreation for a change? In the mean time, I have the weekend before me- with more shots- we aren't giving up yet- we go back on sunday for more bloodwork and another u/s. I had not expected to respond so poorly to the meds- especially since the dosing is higher than last time. When they told me I had a low reserve, I somehow didn't think that as we continued to do this that my test scores would get worse. This type of rating is hard for an over acheiver.

So that is my day. Not a good one. But to quote bob marley "My feet is my only carriage so I've got to push on through..."

Umm, I am sorry who's house is this? Oh, of course, yes, I see... you are the dog and we are all here for you.


I was home for lunch yesterday and as I walked into the kitchen and looked out the back to see the garden which is again being redone by me, I noticed something quite peculiar on my picnic table. I thought I'd snap a photo of it so you could all see what my lovely puppy apparently does when we are away from home. I suppose this is better than eating my sprinklers ... I can only imagine that this is what he does to rest when he is all chewed out.

The shots are going well. The red flush has stopped and other than a delicately sore tummy with tiny little bruises on it -- I am not really feeling the side effects of the stims anymore! I had a headache again yesterday- but bumped my DH out of his acupuncture appt and that helped a ton. I know, it's rude to take your partners doctors appts- but he was more than willing to give it to me and if I had not taken it I would not have gotten in this week- and this week, well, It's all about me. Let's just be really clear with that. I am in Me mode -it's all about my needs being met and I'd hate to be the person who cuts in line in front of me for anything I am waiting to do. Ok, I may be a tiny bit cranky still. But it's a good thing, DH says I am way way too nice most of the time. I even say please when I ask the dog to get down from whereever he has climbed. DH also has been teasing that I am the charlie dog when he is home. That he is alpha and the dog thinks he is beta and that I am charlie in the pecking order. He believes this is what the dog thinks... I am not sure the dog thinks about all this stuff as much as we do but we have noticed that as he gets older he is testing the limits.

My lovely neighbor will be helping me with my shots for the next 7 days- and I can't tell you how grateful I am to have the help. DH and I have the routine down pat now where I sit back and cover my eyes while DH picks a spot and injects the meds and then I get a little kiss at the end. It's very sweet and I will miss him dearly while he is away.

Side Effects. I'll take a side of forgetfulness and if you could add some bruising- that would be great! Ok, I can't even guess where I am with my cycle in terms of cdXX. I have to tell you that I honestly think it is a side effect of the lupr*n- I mean in another week I won't even be able to remember to take the laundry from the washer and place it in the dryer. Days later I will discover the load of wet laundry sitting there. I can at least relax in knowing my time on the lupron is shroter than last time- either that or I have forgetten about it.

We started the stims last night. It's like the best of both worlds- I have my period with gnarly cramps and get to take stims all at the same time. I can't imagine what else my DH could possibly want from a partner- I mean he gets me way cranky from my cycle and now all the hormones and the emotions that go into it. The man is hiding outside building some home improvement project. I am pretty certain he is afraid to come into the house. I can't say I blame him, I am afraid to leave the house. The higher dose of men*pur makes my face red just like last time. I woke up feel alittle wheezy and I can't tell if it is from the meds or mild asthma kicking in from stress. It's gone this morning. So I don't really know how to gauge whether this is important to tell the RE or not. I mean the side effects list hives and trouble breathing as bad side effects where you need to call your doctor immediately. I don't call a red sunburnt looking face hives- but it would not be the best look for me regardless. And with the minor wheezing- I don't know. I mean if you get injected and have trouble breathing wouldn't it pop up immediately and not 3-4 hours after an injection? It's gone by morning and I know the meds make me alittle on the drama queen side so I'd like to limit my over-reactions to things if it is possible. Any thoughts on this?

Other than the IF stuff I am desperately trying to stay on track with my other home projects and trying to come up with something interesting to do to the home while DH is away.

"I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working." -Austin Powers


So I know you are all waiting for what the mojo room looked like in the RE's office this go around. First, let me say this picture in no way represents the room they gave us. We arrived at the building having parked in the wrong building to find the building our RE works in is fully in construction on the first floor. No signs, no directory- nothing. So I walk up to the man at the desk and he looks at me and says 5th floor. Huh? How does he know where I am going? There must be 10 people in the lobby- are we all going to the 5th floor? So I ask, "how do you know where I am going?" and he says, "well, where are you going?" and I reply "ART" and he says "5th floor". Ok. I am guessing he either gets the same question alot or all bewildered looking couples go to the 5th floor.

We get up to the 5th floor, and are led to the mojo room. It is a closet. Or rather a pre-closet. The door leads to a small alcove and then to another set of doors which contains what we can only imagine are computers- I think they may have placed us in the server utility closet. How do I know this? The familiar whir of the computer hard drives and fans trying to keep the computers cool are going full bore. I spend half of my life in computer data centers- but I don't generally mix my work with my personal life- this is feeling weird. Smaller than any other room we have done this kind of thing in. The room contained one black office chair with a sterile pad on it- apparently only one of us gets to sit down. A tiny TV which would play a video if you so wished and they had 2 magazines. Yeah, sure, check out the videos. Umm. No I don't own a scarf to wear during this kind of thing. Does anyone wear scarves like this anymore? Click. We don't recommend the TV for anything other than a tension breaker and getting peels of laughter from sitting in a closet in a facility that specializes deposits. Major respect to DH and the other men that go through this- I can't say that I'd be able to do the same. He says it is asking so little compared to what I am going through- yet I can't imagine having the roles reversed and doing as well as he has been doing with all this.

So no mood music, no nice painting on the walls, and no shagadelic austin powers carpet or furniture- and I will never ever be able to sit in a large black office chair and not think about that day and the giggles that the experience created.
Should we ever win the lottery, I think I'd like to redecorate the mojo room and give the guys who do this alittle respect and more than one damn chair.

Please make a deposit! Please remember to mail your deposit with a completed preprinted deposit ticket. We cannot accept cash, checks, traveler's checks, money orders, credit card checks or third party checks- only sperm will do.

Yeah, we got the phone call today. They'd like us to make a deposit so if something happens while DH is travelling then we can still move forward with the cycle. I kind of saw that coming and I was slightly prepared for it. I wasn't exactly prepared for the part where we have to do it all at the main clinic (2 hours away) and between the hours of 6-10am M-F only. Wow. Kind of a narrow window. How early do I have to get up for this? Again with the anticipation of the Mojo room- will this one have shag carpet and leather seating with mood music? Or are we back to a pink room with flowered pastel wallpaper and boom box playing music which inhibits the mood and still does not block out the people talking in the hallway outside.

We called and made the appointment as requested and DH is taking this all way way better than I thought he would. I love that he is willing to do this and not take a chance that something will come up while he is travelling. He is a dear man. I have also begun putting the word out to my local support team that should my ovaries freakishly respond to the drugs - I can't very well drive on down have them suctioned out and pop back home on my own- the clinic won't allow it. So I have put the team on alert to find out who is around and let them know the schedule. By the time we finally get pregnant- as I trust it is going to happen (else why on earth would I be doing this)- the entire neighborhood will have lended a helping hand. How many people does it take to get me pregnant? Hmm, that doesn't sound so good does it?

So a bit of a strange day- though I think I am getting use to them now. Yesterday it was accepting change- and today it is accepting strange. A bad poet- and I know it!

Yup- always got to have a plan. So here it is.

Aug 22: Blood Test and U/S.
Aug 24: Start Lu*pron Microdose
Aug 26: Start FSH Stims- and stay on them for 9 to 13 days.
Oh My Gosh! I am on these things for nearly 2 weeks- 2 weeks of injectibles- 4 shots a day. What the heck is that going to do to my personality? What the heck is it going to do to my stomach? Did I mention I use to have a lovely stomach? It was just starting to look normal again... Maybe it is a good thing that DH will be gone for the last week. I am not sure I will want to be around myself. Ack, how will I eat?
I sense the indian take-out place will be most busy that week as I know cooking is not really in the cards for me. I will have to empty out the freezer and stock it with chunky monkey. I find the cold container resting on my bruised stomach comforting as well as the flavor soothing to my soul. Other flavors are acceptable so long as it says the word "chocolate" somewhere on the container. Funny how chocolate is a requirement in ice cream but not for anything else in my life.

Retrieval date is set for Sept 6th. This could change. Any of this could change. I am starting to get really comfortable with the delicate tentativeness this schedule creates. It's a bit like Mr. Toads Wild ride at disneyland. For those of you who have not yet had the experience of being on that ride- it a runaway car that takes you through several minutes of driving- where you think you are going one way and then you suddenly change course. It's strange that I have always liked the ride. Maybe I have alway just been comfortable sudden changes in the course of life.

I have major respect for the women who have done this more that once- this is not an easy process and I admit that it is most definately kicking my ass the longer I stay in it. I won't say that this process will be over come the 2nd week of september- I know better now and I look at dates with more caution. I started the IVF process in May- now here we are in August and I am still on it. I can't help but wonder if IVF#1 could possibly take any longer- but I am afraid to voice this fear out loud. The nice part about this next round of phase 1 is that I am feeling a great deal more sane going into it. I don't know if it is the blogging that helps- or the community-- maybe it is all of the those things. In any case, I am looking at this next step with more peace and anticipation than the last time we took this fork in the road.

Hope crept through the window last night. I don't know if it came with the exhaustion I felt or if it slipped in while I was dreaming but I woke up this morning feeling hopeful. I am on day 2 of the patch-- I rather feel a bit as though I am on a boat again-- but this is nothing like last cycle so I won't whine about it. I was darn tired last night and put my pj's on at 6pm. I have a wrinkle now in my patch, at first I was alittle alarmed- and puzzled- I mean why the heck did the darn thing move? But now I look at it and I think "eh?". I won't be bothering to fix this, I mean, what am I concerned about getting pregnant?

I talked to the RE-- looks like we will start microdosing lupron on the 22nd and will do the major meds at a higher dose the 29th to the 6th. Now we can talk breifly about FEAR. I am not afraid of the drugs themselves- heck, this is old hat for us- we have been here before- but DH is going to be travelling from the 30th to the 6th- that leaves me alone doing the meds for a week. And it isn't just doing the meds alone that bothers me-- it is being alone that bothers me. Now normally I would relish the time alone- I mean the man steps out the door and I have some home improvement project in full go mode. I have been known to paint the house, remodel the office and yes, I even replaced his desk one weekend when he left town. But the
remodeling on IVF drugs thing just isn't going to work this round and I have a small fear about it. I mean the drugs do add a bit of drama to my personality and I worry that left to myself I will worry myself into a panic.

In any case, looks like the man will return the day we trigger and then we will be off to surgery the next day- and then back again on the 9th. This naturally cancels everything we have had planned for the early part of september- but I'd rather know now and plan for it than not.

Well I got the call today... my FSH is 7.2 so we are all systems go! I think we have also found a solution around the bad reaction I had to the birthcontrol pill and we switched to the patch. Thus no nausea so far. Will let you know when I get my protocol-- so far I will be on the patch for the next 20 days- and then we begin IVF 1.99999 again.

We are getting back on the bus.

Today is CD2 and that means that tomorrow is blood test day. We talked it over and decided to get back on the bus and try again.

I sent an email to the RE and let him know we'd like to do day 3 blood test and see where the FSH level is and that we want to try again. If our RE isn't comfortable with high FSH women then we'd like to see one who is- so if you know of an RE who specializes in high FSH women- please send his name my way!! I'll let you know how the blood test goes and what the plan looks like as it unfolds!

It's been awhile since I posted- and I have had a really great few weeks getting back into the swing of life. Funny how if you spend all your time on one topic it grows larger and larger- and becomes so large that there is room for very little else. IF has sort of felt like that for me lately- and then as blood testing went from bad to worse- it grew and grew and so not having it as a daily topic has been a relief really. And here I am after having been travelling for work for the past week straight- alittle confused about time zones and which one I am living in, and tonite I find myself facing cycle day 1 tomorrow.

The telltale signs of cramps are rising up and it is with a welcome that I acknowledge my urge this afternoon to yell at everyone for moving to slow and for not having my urgency was indeed not jetlag as I had assumed- but the lovely personality shift that takes place somewhere between pre-day 6 and post day 4 every month. I'd like to think the pudge that seems to have settled in the middle section of my body is just alittle extra water weight that will shed right off me tuesday as I move into my cycle full swing- and that may truly be the case- however I'll add that the sodium I consumed in the past day is proably making it worse. I know, you are thinking how could I possibly know how much sodium I consumed- I mean what kind of freak would actually try and count that? I did. I don't normally do things such as that- but apparently what I now know to be a pre-menstrual attack while flying standby to get home- and going through 3 of our finest airports trying to get back just a few hours earlier to see my family- I began to count the sodium that I consumed that was printed on the back of the packages I ate - and we can just call those little packages... dinner.

I consumed over 2000 mg of sodium yesterday. It seemed to be in everything- and I tried to make healthy choices- the nuts, trail mix, crackers-- it all contained sodium. The dried fruit contained it. cookies contain- and yes, it would seem that turkey sandwiches also contain it. It was everywhere and as I snacked on whatever I could get my hands on while waiting for or riding on the next plane- I felt the puff meter of my body go up to where I felt like I had become the staypuff marshmellow man in size. It was a slightly conforting that should anything have happened to the plane- I might have had enough salt to create a buoyancy in a water landing.

Ok, so yes, Indeed- I made it home as a pudgy curmudgeon and am now faced with do I want to do my 3 day blood test and see what my FSH is this next cycle or shall I let it ride? Shall I step back on the bus? Hmmm. Well, tomorrow will officially be Day 1. I guess I will think about it and decide another day.

100 Things about Me:

1. I am a computer geek.
2. I love what I do.
3. Most of the people I work with have incredibly short attention spans and the ability to carry on several conversations at once.
4. I think this is normal and can follow the conversation threads.
5. Sometimes I pretend to only know what they are talking about.
6. I use to think everyone would know- now I think no one knows what they are talking about.
7. I can't think of any food that is blue that I like- so it's not just the color.
8. I wake up every morning happy. My man thinks it is strange to be so happy in the mornings like that. I can't help it.
9. I have 2 dogs.
10. One came with the man.
11. I have more than 10 pairs of flip flops. you can never have too many sandals.
12. I sometimes try on clothing styles I know I will never wear.
13. I feel like it is trying on another personality. I always feel strange in ruffles.
14. I think I am alittle heavier than I'd like. I think all women feel this way.
15. I hit a spot around 1pm daily where I wish I had more time to get things done.
16. I love cooking.
17. Lately I can't get the hang of it though.
18. Last night I cooked the enchildas that I made earlier but I forgot I wrapped them in plastic wrap to keep them fresh and I cooked them with the plastic wrap on.
19. We had take out again.
20. My man thinks I have lost my memory since taking Lupron.
21. I am starting to think he may be right.
22. I have forgotten 3 appts in the last 2 days.
23. The words "I forgot" come from my mouth daily- sometimes several times.
24. When I was little my cousins showed me how to make a necklace with fireflies.
25. The memory still haunts me today- those poor little bugs.
26. I secretly want to train my dog in agility- but am afraid to because I don't want to become a "all about my dog" person.
27. I had a plan when I was 12 that I would graduate from college at 22, have an awesome career by 24, married by 26.
28. My life did not follow that plan.
29. I took the long way through college. And changed degrees several times.
30. I have a degree in English.
31. I got the degree in English because my college ex-boyfriend's mother told me that computer science was a bunch of hooey and that I should get a degree I can use and I believed her.
32. I now know why my father nicknamed that ex-boyfriend "idiot"
33. I can write a complete sentence, if I want to.
34. I took latin in college because I thought it was a dead language that no one knew how to speak.
35. I was floored when on the first day of class my instructor said "responde in latinae classae."
36. I never used the cliff notes when I translated "Ovid's Metamorphis" and I should have.
37. That latin instructor agreed to give me a passing grade if I promised to never take another course with him.
38. My favorite smells are lemon and lavender.
39. I can take or leave chocolate.
40. I love crossword puzzles.
41. I prefer to not read the instructions when I am trying something for the first time.
42. This did not go over well the last time I played a board game.
43. I like to look at other people's vacation pictures and make up what they were doing on holiday.
44. I keep my gardening gloves in the house because I am afraid that a spider will crawl inside if I leave it in the garden shed.
45. I know it is crazy but I can't help but think I somehow attract spiders. Why else would there be so many around my house. It has always been this way.
46. When I was little I use to bring spiders into the house and let them play on my hands because they tickled when they walked on me. I have no idea how my mother lived through all those spiders.
47. I took a green gardening class where I asked about my spiders and why I had so many. The instructor replied, " you don't have too many spiders, you don't have enough chickens."
48. I don't have any chickens. Nor are there any in my future unless we are talking about dinner.
49. I once dated three guys with the same name.
50. It was very very confusing because my roommate never took down last names when they called.
51. I don't recommend it.
52. I did not learn to drive til I was 21.
53. I am a terrible passenger.
54. I am even worse on a plane. And the irony that I fly every month as part of my job does not escape me.
55. I think when I am on a plane that it will hit turbulence and plummet from the sky to the ground.
56. On my first adult plane flight, my friends did test drives past the airport to see if I could get out of the car without hyperventilating.
57. I was dry heaving my way to the plane the day I left for vacation on that first flight.
58. I am much much better now, but have been known to cry and hold strangers hands and arms at turbulent moments.
59. I alway feel lucky that I meet so many nice people on planes.
60. My favorite flowers are dahlias.
61. I stayed in a hotel more than 25 separate nights for work last year.
62. I stay at the same brand of hotel because the room layout is the same everywhere and when I am gone that much- it is nice to know where the coffee maker is when I get up. Is that too much to ask?
63. I broke my toe twice this year.
64. I hate cleaning my house.
65. When I was growing up my brother was neat freak and filed everything in boxes. I stuffed it all under the bed whether it was clean or not. Now decades later- we are still exactly the same.
66. I prefer Tea to coffee.
67. I started drinking coffee when I was in 3rd grade and my growth was not stunted.
68. I like black licorice.
69. Romance to me is grocery shopping and running errands together.
70. I was proposed to on a beach in kauai
71. I accepted the proposal and I love my life with him.
72. I sing outloud with my ipod when no one is home. I know everyone does it.
73. I struggle with infertility
74. I always knew I would have a family late in life.
75. I just never thought it would be so hard to achieve.
76. I sometimes blame myself.
77. I hope to one day write a book about something useful
78. I use to write technical manuals. If I can write those I can write anything.
79. My parents are amazing people.
80. I don't call home as often as I think them.
81. My sister and I have determined that though we grew up in the same house our memories of the same events are contrastingly different, and I wonder if we maybe didn't have some twilight zone parallel family.
82. I don't watch cable TV
83. I watched it for hours every day growing up.
84. I guess I just had enough.
85. I never really knew my grandmother. My dad gave me a picture and I look like her.
86. My grandfather use to make donuts and cakes in the bakery he owned.
87. I miss his donuts.
88. My cousin once asked me how many dinosaurs were on noah's ark. This explains some about the fireflies.
89. I spent my 30th birthday in Paris.
90. I once made a college roommate cry because I lectured her about the dangers of tuna and dolphin killing.
91. I had no idea she'd take it so hard. I learned about moderation that week.
92. In high school I took geometry and cheated on every test. The teacher allowed re-takes. So I failed the first test, went over the test , then re-took it and got A's. The teacher merged the scores so I cleared it with a C.
93. When I finally got eye glasses and could see the chalk board, the subject made a great deal more sense to me. I thought everyone saw everything blurry so I had no idea I needed glasses.
94. For the first year that I wore glasses I thought if I took them off that no one could see me. (ok, give me a break I was in high school!)
95. My eyes are hazel/green.
96. I was date raped in college and it was not my fault.
97. I can always think of something to be grateful for. And in fact think of at least 3 things daily.
98. I started the habit during a time in my life I refer to as "the year of death" where I lost several relatives and a serious relationship in the same year. I never thought I'd break through and come up for air. I am stronger than I know.
99. Whenever I am sick, I am sure I am going to die alone and no one will know. I have no idea how that would be possible with the traffic in and out of the house .
100. Some days I want to be a cake decorator for a living.

Another View

I have spent the day breathing in, breathing out, well, just breathing really- and I have had to make a conscious effort at that- I am not a happy camper and in the course of one phone call with my RE my whole sense of Zen snapped and I want it back. How on earth did I go from average IVF patient to high FSH maybe donor egg IVF patient. I talked with DH last night about the whole egg donation thing. The pineapple martini helped a bit to ease the sting of my FSH level not being what it should. And I admit it- I was kicking myself a bit about not having a lower number. Can you blame me? I mean I am a master test taker- I score well on everything I do- I excelled in college- I loved going to school and I would have never left if it were for the fact that I have to earn a living. For crying out loud, we take educational classes when we are on vacation!

We talked about the donor egg thing while making dinner. We aren't ready. We aren't ready to give up on us yet. We want a baby but we'd like it to have my ears and his eyes. My smile and his athletic ability. His wit and my laugh. Will we get all that in a baby? Maybe not, but we'd like to try and we are not yet ready to let go of that. So my nimble fingers did some walking - and isn't the internet a really cool thing? There are a few centers where they specialize in women with a high FSH. Now I'd like to think I am not going to get lumped into this high FSH category-- I mean heck, I just got here. My spelling scores have been way below the line for the past year- and why is it when you fail one test that's what everyone focuses on? Yetch!

So learning is good and I am checking around at my options- and we have them. We have options. And I get it. I really really get it. There is no quick fix. I can't just wander on down to the 711 and pick up a solution- what works for one of us may not work for the other. And it has taken me a few days of breathing to get to a place where I am more quiet with this. It may take longer to be completely at peace with it. But we have a new plan. I know you all were waiting for it. Can I get through a day without a plan? Why on earth would I want to do that?

So my plan is to do nothing this month. Nothing at all. Sit back and enjoy wine that I have lived in fear of drinking. I may stay away from the pineapple martinis because I woke up with a headache the next day after just one (Good grief, I have become a cheap date!). I plan to drink tea and coffee and triple mocha frappachinos or whatever the heck I want. And Eat sushi, lots and lots of sushi! Sit in Hot Tubs! I don't think I have sat in a hot tub for over a year! And I love hot water- oh, and bubble baths. I have so missed bubble baths... So there you have it. My plan is to have a life again. Continue my accupuncture because I like the place I go and they rub my feet. Continue taking my vitamins and continue taking care of my body. And in 23 days when my cycle begins- if I feel like it- Step in the door to the Lab and take the Day 3 FSH test and then decide what we want to do. We have options. And doing nothing is one of them.

So why another door? Well, when I last went to Europe I fell in love with the doors. I drove my travelling friends crazy because every time I would see a door I'd take a picture of it. I couldn't explain my fascination with doors then but I like that they are an entrance or an exit, that life is arriving or leaving- and it is always changing. My DH says he thinks the reason I like doors so much is because of what lies behind them- and that I can alway see through to the possibility. That I am unafraid to step into a door and see what life is handing me. I think it is that change is inevitable and with change one door closes and another opens. Life is like that, you step into the door way and it's all in front of you.

What lies ahead?

I had previously been under the impression that I had covered just about all the issues I may face with infertility when I waded waist deep into the documents that we had to sign for the IVF process to take place.

It's one thing to vote on stem cell research and quite another when I have sign documents to determine what might be done with my remaining eggs should I produce too many. Destroy them? Donate them to another family who doesn't have viable eggs? Donate them to stem cell research? Freeze them? All very personal choices and a topic which I have no issues with in theory and it somehow morphed from this generic concept that may benefit me later in life to one I may have a direct impact in today.

How do I feel about pregenetic testing? Do I want to check for certain chromosome abnormalities before they implant the egg or 11-13 weeks after if the egg is successfully implanted? It's a lot to think about- and I really spent time thinking about all these IVF topics and many more I have not mentioned- determining how do I felt about them religiously, socially, politically and spiritually.

It took some time to get to a quiet place with all the IVF topics -- and let's be honest here- I have to- once those hormones hit and my emotions go flying- there is no reprieve to discuss issues sanely. For my own well being, I have had to be prepared for what may come next and have a plan so that when we get to that door- I know which one feels ok for me. I am fortunate to have a strong partner who I am ok defering the decisions to if I am not feeling up to making it-- I like that we are teamed and in sync with these topics.

We got the results from our blood test back. The pregnancy test came back negative as expected. No suprises there.
My FSH test came back suprisingly at 22. Let me repeat that number {{{{{22}}}}} Last month it was 8. That is quite a number delta- and not in a good way.

For those of you not familiar with the details of FSH testing- the score of 6 would be great, 8-10 decent, 10-14 still ok to work, 15-20 not looking as good, 20+ bad. It has to do with the viability of the ovarian reserve- and the ability of the ovary to produce a good quality and fair quanity of eggs. Already having been told that I had a low ovarian reserve I expected the numbers to be higher than 8. I was pretty darn pleased that I have been remaining in the 8-9 range most consistently with the blood tests I have taken for the past year, and I might have even been lulled into thinking that my FSH levels would not cause a problem in the whole scope of conceiving.

But Yup. you guessed it... the Dr. called today. He really is a nice guy- and his phone skills are improving as he gets to know me and we build a relationship. He knows I like to learn and research before a topic comes up- and what he'd like to do is nothing this month. Not even BCPs because I respond so poorly to them- and if he can save me a few weeks of misery by not being on them - seems like a kinder and gentler thing to do. I am ok with this. Heck, I am thinking I may even buy a lotto ticket the conversation is going so well.... He will recheck at next cycle (that would be pretty much 23 days to the day for me.) And if everything looks good and my FSH isn't wacky then all systems are go. And knowing my penchant for research he wants me to consider ovum donation as a topic to start delving into. Aaaaccck! My body is working against me this week.

I am not at peace with this concept yet (can you tell I am freaking out?). I don't know what it is about it that doesn't sit well with me-- partly I am sure that it is a new concept and not one I was emotionally braced for before it was sprung on me. I guess it is again that it is something I have no problem with in theory but when we are talking about putting a donated egg in my body- well, that just feels entirely different- more personal, and while I am not arguing that it is an awesome thing- I am not so sure we are personally ready for this. Not like they talk about this in my human sexuality class at college!

Ok, so that is where we are at today. I had no idea it was going to be such a thought provoking day. I think I will just sit with this one for awhile.