The morning update: Of the 3 mature eggs- 2 fertilized normally. Hubs was thrilled that his guys could actually find the eggs! The visual of the little sperm wandering around the fallopian tubes for the past few years yelling "hello, is anyone home?" makes me laugh. I don't generally think of it as a giant area- but then again I am not as small a sperm so I can see how I might look as large as a country whereas a petrie dish looks about the size of a house. We'll put them back in on Thursday afternoon. I don't think 2 out of 3 is a bad ratio at all. In fact I am just plain relieved to have at least gotten this far and a wee bit sad to think we could have been here a year ago if we'd gone with a different in the first place RE at the begining of this journey.

I'll post later- for now, I am still pretty tired but overall really happy and optimistic. I asked hubs how the mojo room was this round-- as it is a different office and one he'd never been to. If you recall we have now essentially used the examination room done up with lovely pink accents and rap music playing loudly( with no apparent way to turn it off ) and what has looked like a machine room closet with an office chair and tiny TV. The new RE's office a dedicated room labeled the Male Room, which is kind of cute- and he says it has a TV with a VCR and some magazines. He didn't elaborate on it other than to say he did not sit down anywhere or touch anything- he just couldn't bring himself to. He also said that he didn't get back into the recovery room until after me because the room was occupied still by the family that went before us into surgery. When he got in there he just wanted to get out knowing that the other guy had been in there for some extended period of time and it just didn't sit well. I can't say I blame him- we get to go under for the surgery, but the men- they have it hard having to perform under such circumstances and in a room where others have gone before. I say he is far braver than me for this.

So retrieval is complete and we got 3 fat little eggs. I was alittle nervous about going under-- and I have to say, overall a totally great experience. The staff was awesome and apparently I kept waking up- asking hubs how the mojo room was and then falling asleep - then waking up and asking the same questions. He says I did that 4 times. :)

Anyhow, I am exhausted and so I will write more later- if all goes well we put them back on thursday.

Today's appt at the RE was much different than my previous visits-- I guess since there are so many people cycling that they just pack them all into the office near about the same time. So there was standing room only in the office shortly after I arrived- and many of the women brought extra people with them-- some brought 3+ people, children, etc... I figured that it was natural to bring support and I'd bring hubs with me if he could get the time off work- but as he cant't I am doing it on my own. I'm still alittle torn about the bringing the kids into the office- It's not that I mind the kids, it's just that there had to have been 8-10 women in the room all trying to have kids-- and then the one support person brings her kids (yes that is plural) there-- and it seems alittle insensitive.

The u/s today showed 3 follies on the left (largest is 14 smallest is 9)- it seems to be the strong side this cycle and the right has 3 follies as well ( but the largest is 6 and the smallest is 4) and if they don't speed up and catch the left in the next few days they will be staying behind. I stay on meds for the next 3 nights and then u/s again on friday. Our retrieval date has been pushed to sunday- and on friday they will decide whether to bump it or keep it at sunday. All good.

I got back tonite just wiped out-- traffic, driving 5-6 hours total- and eating a light lunch did me in. I took a brief nap but the interrupt level at home was high with dogs, phone calls... I am still alittle bleary and I proably should have waited for Hubs to do the shots tonite. I can now confirm I have hit veteran status as I can give myself most of my shots now. I just woke up one morning and did it-- and have been doing it since. No, it doesn't phase me in the least- and I have gone from covering my eyes and cringing when I get one to doing them alone. I can't explain it-- I am just powering through the process. Perhaps I have hit some new level of altered insensitivity as not much bothers me lately, except noise, dogs and phone calls...

Now tonite I think I did something to mess up my shots-- my first time in what 5 or 6 cycles- so don't think I make a habit of it- and my follistim pen wasn't screwed shut entirely and so when I injected -- the grey stopper didn't look like it moved-- kind of ironic really as I was wondering about the stopper moving last night and it didn't look like it moved then either. So to be sure, I tightened the pen, injected it again with a smaller dose-- and the stopper moved. Well, dang- I am fairly certain it didn't move the previous time -- maybe a partial move and I missed watching the stopper move? I didn't know whether to inject the full amount now or to assume that I have now over shot by some amount. I mean, what would you do? Yes, Exactly, I thought I would err on the cautious side and complete the dose assuming that since the stopper didn't look like it moved earlier- then it proably didn't. Have I now shot too much in? I don't really think so-- but I will have hubs hang out with me when next I do the shots to keep and eye on me and make sure my counting skills don't falter.

I'll let ya know how friday goes. I can't really say much will change, I mean we will go ahead with the retrieval now regardless knowing we have a few good eggs- and hope to make it to transfer. If nothing else I am further along than I have been in the last year- so at least I am moving forward.

Fridays meeting with the RE went well. 3 nights on stims and nearly 3 follies. Not bad. Tuesday will tell us more- but so far the results are encouraging and as I'd be happy with anything 3 and over- so we are there already! Being a slow responder has it's downsides- I don't expect to get over 10 follies, I'd be estatic if we got to 5. I'll let you know what next Tuesday brings. So far it is all going well and I am feeling great.

I had a slight lupr*n headache but accupuncture took care of it-- and as I was leaving the office I mentioned that I was having a slightly stuffy nose- the nice accupuncturist placed these band-aid like things in certain areas- they have a small metal ball about the size of a pin head in them and they use them on children for accupunture. They told me to leave it on for a few days then take it off this weekend. I went home, went to bed and when I awoke the next day I could smell again! Dang, that stuff is amazing!

So things are progressing well- I am hanging out and just taking it easy. I have tried to comment on some of your blogs fellow IFers-- and I am not sure what is up with blogger this month. It doesn't let me look at profiles anymore- and so if I don't have a link to the site already I seem to be out of luck for reading it. Somedays it won't let me post... must be an upgrade feature they failed to mention when I shifted to the lastest version. Know that I am reading your blogs but seem to be unable to comment on all of them and my thoughts and hopes are with you all.

All lights are green in moving forward.

I saw the new RE yesterday. My E2 level is 48 and everything is quiet so things are all systems go. I have been doing 20 of the microdose lupron in the morning and night and aside from an unexpected headache it has been fine. I generally don't have side effects from all the meds but given that it was a long day of driving and I didn't drink as much water as I normally do- I suspect alittle dehydration was mixed in there and so I'll water up today. Last night we did 600 foll*stim. Yikes. We did it in 2 shots because the pen didn't go that high. We do it again tonite and then dose down later this week. I go back on friday to see how everything is growing and I am optimistic.

The new office is located in a hospital and the staff was warm and down to earth. It's a much longer drive for me but I'd rather drive a bit further and know I am being taken care of than risk another mistake. I am still kind of bummed that the old RE did nothing about that mistake and whittled away at our one time insurance assistance for IF treatments so it is completely gone. We will be doing this round entirely on our own and while the meds are taken care of due to the participation in a study-- the surgery will be the remaining cost for us.

IVF is my new car. I may put that on a tshirt. I think DH and I have decided that this will be our last attempt overall. It's not just the expense, though a huge factor, it's also putting our lives on hold while we try this, altering our schedules and travel plans, doing the meds and the physical aspect of this. And the emotional ups and downs that go with the meds and hormones. In short it's everything and it takes a toll on us every time we do it.

Well I got my hair cut today...and came back a Brunette. I wouldn't say that I am a complete dark deep brunette- but my hairdresser did call this a dark blonde. DH is still looking at me a bit strange, and I can understand how he might feel alittle baffled. I mean he married a blonde and then today I come home..well, not blonde. It can take alittle getting use to it-- and having never changed my hair color before-- this was alittle out of character for me. Will I change it back again? I have no idea- but for now- it is nice to have a change.

I take the patch off tonite- and yes, I am counting down the minutes until the thing comes off-- please, if there is any semblance of higher powers in our universe, could this please be the last time I have to do this? I am looking forward to the rest of this cycle--mostly because the worst part of it for me will be over in just a few hours when the evil patch comes off. I start lupr*n on tuesday and stims a day or so later.

I'd put off having my basic annual exam this past year because, well the traffic in that area made the interstate freeway look empty and I just honestly couldn't bear to have yet another person who I don't know all that well looking in an area that is named private for a reason. But with the change in health insurance, I figured I'd get it done right at the end of the year. It would seem that I have some mysterious endo cells with blood particles floating around in there-- now they would be natural if I were starting my period-- but at the time I was on the patch--so now this doctor wants an ultrasound TOO. I should sell tickets. Would you like popcorn with that?

I guess the good part of this is my humor is finally returning, and DH and I are getting this process down. He has been amazingly wonderful about helping with the cooking-- I developed a strange anti-meat thing earlier this week so he has been cooking any of that we have been eating- I have already stopped the wine, the coffee and the tofu in anticipation of the next few weeks. It ought to be a good few weeks but I'll keep you posted as I progress and things get rolling.

New Year. New Start. New Hope.


Second day of the year and I spent the first one relaxing and doing nothing. It was awesome, and around dinnertime, DH looked at me and said "pizza?" Yup, pepperoni and olive. Our standard fair and it made for a great evening of snuggling near each other on the sofa and just generally getting some time alone at home together.

I start my meds on the 16th and I am hoping this is our last try. We've spent all of last year trying to get to IVF#1. 4 rounds of injectible meds and we never got to IVF. A difficult year. Now we are onto a new year and I don't know if it was the change of the date, or the sun shining this morning as I woke- but we have a glimmer of hope with this new cycle.

I didn't make any huge new year resolutions- I'd like to just live this year in peace- and take the days as they come.

Ok, just an update because I am being pushed out the door so we can head out for a long holiday week with family. It is a good thing as here I would find a ton of things to do and I am tired. We have passed what feels like every flu, virus and cold between us now for most of the month of december. Desperate for some peace from a sniffling nose, achy bones and upset stomach- I willingly subjected myself to the flu shot-- and my intentions were good. Who knew that I was one of the very few people who would get aches, fever, chills and a headache from it. Though if you ask me, that was no ordinary headache, and any time I go to bed at 6:30 in the evening- it's a telltale sign that things are not good.

I am up and moving again 2 days later. Still feeling a bit as though I have been hit by a truck and now I am going to get in a car and drive, then get on a plane with hundreds of people and pray that neither I or DH catch anything else this season.
I hope everyone in blogland has a good holiday whatever it is you are celebrating. Me, I am just looking forward to the time to unplug and connect with family.

Tragic. This is all I can think about today. I got a call from my RE's office -- the doctor passed away recently in a tragic accident. I have been profoundly struck by this death.

It's not just that the doctor passed on- it is that all of the work they did was focused on helping families to create families. I can't begin to imagine the thousands of the lives this person has touched.

As we go through our day how many lives do we touch?

If we connect with an average of 10 people each business day- and we have 260 work days--(give or take some) each year-- then over the space of 10 years we will have touched 26,000 people--now, not all of those people that we touch will be new people every day, nor will the number remain the same every day, etc.. I realize my numbering and calculations are flawed-- and there are millions of variations-I mean the school teachers who work with students and parents impact the lives of hundreds, possibly thousands of students every year. The connection we make with people that impacts us could be a 3 second connection or a lifetime connection. The time span will differ for each connection-- but as I go through my day and I pick up my car from the repair store or I buy stamps at the postoffice or grocery shop-- and I say please, or thank you, or comment on something I notice to another person- or compliment that person-- have I touched them in a way I am unaware, and will it reverberate through their lives and trickle down?

Back in 1987, when I was quite a bit younger than I am now- my family, well, not the entire family, but a large portion of them participated in the harmonic convergence.

Yeah, I know, you have no idea what the harmonic convergence is? I can't say I blame you , my father had to explain it to me - so here it is in a nutshell.

The Harmonic Convergence was supposed to be a global awakening to love and unity through divine transformation. Yup, I know- it does feel as though we have stepped onto the transcendental woo-woo train, but stay with me. According to the Maya prophecies the harmonic convergence was suppose to be the end of the "hell" cycles and the beginning of a new age of universal peace. It was suppose to be a energy shift in the world powerful enough to change the global perspective of man from one of conflict to one of co-operation. Sounds pretty incredible doesn't it?

For my family this consisted of getting up at 0'dark hundred, tromping out to a bluff overlooking the ocean and being together with other people who got up that early and also apparently wanted to watch the sunrise and didn't mind walking along a cliffside in the dark. I know they created a huge chain of people holding hands while the sun rose and they meditated and prayed for a better world.

I saw the pictures in the newspaper the next day, I was not there- I slept in. It wasn't that I didn't believe in the convergence concept- I mean who doesn't long for a world where war, materialism and just plain unfriendliness are gone? Would I get up at 0'dark hundred and tromp out to a cliff in a forested area in the dark if I thought doing so could for a moment end the suffering of people- yeah, sure- why not. On the other hand, who is to say that a culture that believes the world is going to end 12-21-2012 really knows what they are prophetizing. I mean it's not like the Mayan civilization is running the world right now, somewhere along the way- it is possible there was an error in the calculation. But still, doesn't matter, I like to think I come from good stock, my family got up and wandered around a cliffside and looked for peace. They stepped outside of themselves and made a connection.

We do that. Here. I didn't really get the scope of how much we do until I installed statcounter on my website. Meg got me started on it. The first couple of days I checked it, I was just plain fascinated by how many of us are out there. Then I realized we aren't just a handful bloggers writing about our struggles with infertility- we are this amazingly strong community that shares our hopes and strengths and we carry each other when we hit a bump or a bump hits us.

But there is more. There are hundreds of us online that are linked -- like a huge chain of people. While some of us are watching the sunrise, others at the same time are watching it set. Now I don't know about any major energy shifts occurring anytime soon- and I'd like to hope that if one occurs - that it not be linked to the power supply running my little laptop- a little static zap shooting across the universe. But, it hit me today that this is infinitely cool- and it's not just because I know you are all out there- and that you are from everywhere- all walks of life, all countries, all religions and beliefs and all socio-economic structures. It's infinitely cool because we are all connected. Now that I call a harmonic convergence.

2nd opinion = new R.E. Thankful for this community.

Well, I had my 2nd opinion talk with a second RE. It was enlightening. And I have to say thanks to this community for encouraging me to step out and get that second opinion. Seems that this RE would have done the surgery last month when he felt I had at least 3 possible eggs that were of an appropriate size- and he feels that the mix up in the amount of lupron I was taking was a factor and that I was most likely over supressed. This information I kind of expected-- but what suprised me was that he said for this last cycle he would not have started it-- my E2 was 103, he says he would have given me something to lower my E2 level as he never stims unless the E2 level is below 70. Hmm, now that is news. He also expressed some concern about my previous RE's urging to use donor eggs. He says that since I have never actually made it to IVF that he has no information to base the quality of my egg on and he'd rather get me to an completed IVF cycle so we can at least evaluate the egg quality to determine if a donor egg is required. He felt that being a slow responder to the drugs does not mean that I can't have bilogical children- it just means I respond to the meds slowly.

He talked to me for alittle over an hour-- and one of the very first things he did when we began to speak was give me his email. He wants me to ask questions and he said he answers his email 3-4 times a day. I also took some time to speak to a friend I have who used a DE to conceive her child. She was incredibly encouraging to me to really step out and explore my options- if I want to have a biological child then I should try that as long as I want to-- because I have plenty of time to have a DE child. Hmm, never considered that. It all has felt a bit that time was grinding down on me. It's nice to have been given a level set so I can step back and get some breathing space.

So what is my plan? Yes, of course I have one. The new RE suggested taking December off because my body seems to react better to cycles that are every other month as opposed to back to back. I like this idea because my body is clearly confused about what cycle we are in. I should have started my cycle 4 days ago according to my last RE. I figure it is late because we stopped the meds part way through the cycle. So there you have it. I am taking December off, relaxing during the holidays and the starting up in January. Very cool.

So we opted to not do the IUI this time around- and both DH and I feel really good about not spending the 500-1000 bucks on this round to be faced with a BFN. I know, I know, I am way jumping the gun and I'd like to say that I am totally open to a miracle occuring- and I would even consider having the child studied for resilient characteristics and amazing survivor skills-because the sperm are basically going to be travelling up the blocked canal then they get to the top to find that well, the door is closed, so then they have to go back down that canal and up the other one to get to where they can meet the egg.
Could it happen? I have no idea- and I am not ruling it out. Logic says that this cycle is a wash and even though I am told the meds leave my body 24 hours after entering it-- I wonder if I was still alittle too supressed to do anything this cycle-do the meds really leave my body after 24 hours?

And then a part of me wonders- what if I just ever can't. I know, I spoke the words that many infertiles think and don't speak because what if it is true? I met this woman a few weeks ago and she did not have a uterus. Just. never. had. one. No biological kids forthcoming pretty much ever- and she seemed totally fine with it. Totally fine. I kind of want to go back and tap her on the shoulder and ask her how she does that. Is it because the opportunity was never there so she didn't allow for the possibility of it? Some days I am totally fine with this and think, we'll be one of those couples who travels alot (after we finish paying for the infertility treatments when we are old) and other days, such as this one I just can't imagine getting over it.

And then I think of the whole donor egg thing that my RE talks about as though I haven't heard him and I just don't think I can carry some strangers egg- it feels weird to me. I think about the adoption process and how long and incredibly expensive it could be-- and really there does not seem to be a good solution. I admit that sometimes look at my fertile friends and think, hmm, they would make a good donor and would I be ok carrying their egg? And then I think, how on earth did I get here? Normal people don't have these kind of thoughts. Can I blame the hormones for egg envy? DH will say that I have got to be PMSing because normally I am a sane person. I kind of wonder if there might be link between insanity and infertility because it does not bring out the sane side of me.

I went ahead and made an appt to talk with another RE- thanks for all your advice ladies, I most appreciate the guidance.
I have that appt in a few weeks and ought to be able to chat with him, make a future plan if I want or stick with the guy I am going to. In the meantime, I will forge ahead and hope for a miracle.

Instant Replay. Let's watch that again.

So yup, met with the RE last night. I thought for certain he'd be sending us packing- 4 failed attempts to get to IVF-- only one got close where I had 7 follies-- though 2 of them got large enough within the duration of the meds- and we did have the wrong lupron dosage that cycle-- could have made a difference or not...really no way to tell and I did ask about that- he said it could or could not have made a difference. Still no apology. Um, ok, I don't think we will be getting one.

First the RE talked to us about our options. Instant Replay of the same meeting I had in July, except this time my DH and mother-in-law were along for the ride. It wasn't really a conversation- and maybe because he does this all day long he is used to doing a set paragraph of speaking -- I tried on an occasion to interrupt or interject between the pauses for a breathe and he just continued the flow of his speech. Hmm, I'd give a lower rating on interaction though maybe he continued this dialogue for the sake of the DH and MIL that were along for the ride this time? I don't know. He says my options are to try again next month on day 3 of my cycle-- or to take a break and try again later. He also started down the DE (donor egg) route and I give him some credit that he was able to clearly read the signs between DH and I and the word No spoken, and let the topic drop after completing his paragraph on it. Yes, I know the chances of sucess would be higher if I used the eggs of a 20 year old. Yes, I know I am way older than 20 and moving towards my reproductive end- but I just am not ready to put the egg of someone I don't even know into my womb- sorry, I am just not there yet. I don't know if I will ever get there.

They asked me to stim once more last night and then take a HCG shot on sunday and IUI on monday-- I told them I'd let them know --this seemed to suprise them. Yeah, I know, they seem suprised alot lately. I explained that we don't really see the point of the whole IUI on monday because the one follie is on the left side- which we all know is blocked and so our chances of sucess with IUI are about as good as going at it naturally. We might as well have some fun with this and save the money but I'd call this weekend after DH and I discussed it. I think they may have forgotten about the left side being blocked. Understandable because lots of folks go through there daily and it's hard to keep the specifics of each patient in mind. I don't know.

Ok, so here is the latest. I have to admit I am alittle suprised by the course that my RE took-- but they have asked me to come in on Friday so I ought to start compiling questions now. First I will give you a bit of back ground so you know where I am in my cycle. I started my stims on saturday the 21st-- and I started spotting for my period on the same day-- my period appeared on the 22nd. My next ultra sound was on the 26th- which would be day 4 of my period-- and day 5 of my stims.
Then I went in for a second u/s today which is day 8 of my period or day 9 of the meds. Today's ultra sound showed 1 follicle on the left side. That's it. Nothing else-- and mind you-- if we are adhere to a normal cycle I am not due to ovulate until sometime next weekend. The RE's office tonite called and told me to stop taking all meds flat. That this is a failed cycle and to come in and see the doctor on friday. Hmm, I ought to be ovulating that day. The nurse that called said that I am not responding to the meds after being on them for 9 days... so here is my question to you-- can I make follies while I am having my period-- how exactly does that work?

So yesterday was my blood work and ultra sound. I got the call at noon-- the earliest the clinic has ever called me. Nothing is happening and they were alittle suprised by this. Hmmm, well I am still in my period so it kind of makes sense to me-- but I am alittle uneasy they were not in sync with this--especially because I went in on saturday and told them I was waiting for my period still. They did my b/w and u/s that day then called me later and told me to start the meds. They started me early with the "microdose that wasn't really" cycle so I assumed they were just starting me early because I take so dang long to get going. I go back in on monday so I am hoping for some good news-- though I have to say that some of my optimism is wearing off.

So I am back from a lovely tropical break where I was fortunate enough to experience a earthquake, a power outage, then torrential rain which brought mudslides and flash flooding. It got better- after we left that particular island and flew to a diffferent one. And we can now joke that it was earth moving... and a bit of a rocky start to the trip.

So back to the business of being again. We are on day 5 of the meds. This time it is a bit of a different protocol. Currently I am on 3 vials of men*pur in the morning and 3 at night. They are 75s-- so that means I am taking 225 each time. No supression. Proably a good thing since I am still stinging from the over supression we did last time when they messed up my meds and were suppose to be microdosing me but had instead called in the full amount. Yeah, I know, It's going to take some time for me to be able to just let that go. Thought I had- but it is like a pea under my many mattresses-- just seems to be stuck under my skin a bit.

I have my u/s and b/w tomorrow and I ought to have an idea of how we are doing this cycle. Lots of hot flashes- so that is a bit new, and I am taking it as a good sign that something is happening. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling optimistic- because I am-- first I am told that I am low responder making only 2 egg, and it is suggested I use donor eggs... then I make 7 eggs but they don't actually grow to where we need them to because I am over supressed. Imagine what I can do without all the supression- yeah I don't expect to blow out the numbers and produce a ton of eggs- I mean I am realistic, but I am hoping I do at least as well as last time with all the little guys growing nicely in unison. Is that too much to ask?

Nothing much up other than that-- my feet are freezing all the time as I adjust back to living in normal weather and I catch up on the pounds of mail that seem to be getting delivered to my door. Has anyone else noticed that Xmas seems to now start before halloween? I am getting christmas catalogs in the mail now- and it is still october. Yikes!

Well this will possibly be my last post before I go on holiday. A much much needed holiday involving pool side service and lovely food. Sunshine, warm weather and no cell phone. No email. No internet. No work. Can you hear the soft waterfall and soothing music in the background? Yeah, I could use a break.

When we come back I hop back on the bus and start another cycle. Mostly I am feeling ok, but I have to admit that the sting of the last cycle is still with me again. If your doctor's staff messed up your meds- would you trust them again completely? Could you go through another cycle with them and not feel like you needed to double check everything they said? Yeah, I am thinking about this one too...

I have been pretty quiet lately. I figure I proably ought to just touch base and let you know what is on my mind lately. I hopped back on the work travel bus this week-- I have have quite a hiatus from it as I have been pushing any travel I might have back so I can deal with IVF stuff. Needless to say, the clock ran out and I am now faced with several trips coming that I can no longer put off. One one hand it's great- my mind gets a break from all this thinking and I can get my work done-- but on the other it takes a toll in having to adjust and then readjust my schedule to fit in the whole IVF thing around my work schedule and around what little social life I have.

We were not planning on getting back on the IVF bus so soon- on the other hand the numbers looked good this month and we finally figured out why last month was a bust. The temp physican assistant called in the wrong dosage of lupron. So my microflare lupron wasn't really a microflare ( a kind of quartering of the dose)-- it was more of a doubling of the dose. I am not happy about this, but honestly what options do I have other than to just suck it up and move forward.

AF showed up today. It wasn't a suprise, exactly. She gave me little signs that she might be coming- a ravenous appetite for sugar of any kind, small pangs in that area, an inpatience for anyone driving, walking or talking within a 10 feet radius. The most telling sign was the sinking feeling. Like when you know that you aren't going to get the answer you want but you don't want to know it- so you pretend that for awhile longer it just isn't what you know it is. Then she shows up and arrives in full flowing glory. Definately no denying she is here. This would definately make me not pregnant. Again.

Not really much else to say about this. We are disappointed, no way not to be really- you don't go through all the effort of trying if you don't plan to suceed. When we started down the IVF path we truly were innocent. We honestly thought that we'd just pop into the RE's office, schedule the process and we'd be done with it and on our way to baby. We had no idea that we'd encounter problems that made it so we were not able to even get to the IVF process.

So we are sitting with the latest results. Not sure what is going to happen next. We'll stick close to one another, step back a bit and heal. Make plans to be with close friends and just take care of ourselves and remember that we have a life outside of the IVF one that consumes so much of our time.

We can see the finish line. We have now lived through another round of bcps, shots, ultra sounds, blood tests, the pink mojo room and IUIs. We are in the 2 week wait.

The last post was hard. Crushingly hard- and I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the amazing support I received from it. The community of bloggers that I have shared this common thread with -- you have stepped up and held a space for me to
grieve and process and simply just feel. You have come from all over to express that you have felt the same as me- and while I don't wish this journey on anyone- thank you for letting me know I am not entirely alone. And a special shout out to the lone man who was so kind with his words -- and who makes an effort to share the male point of view in the struggle with infertility. Thanks to you for your perspective-it was so nice to have you re-affirm what my DH has been telling me.

We did not go into this last phase of the journey with high hopes. For us it felt like a huge let down-- and the whole process seemed to have grey pallor once we decided to do the IUI. Two days in a row we met at the RE's office to complete the task at hand. Both times we left with heavy hearts and how can we not- we have been on this path many times before with no different result. One tube working, plus age working against us--our chances of sucess are half what the average couple our age gets. It's a struggle to come to terms with this. I know it can be done. Fate landed me in the hands of a woman this week who has no ovaries- never has. She was at ease speaking about it as I wiggled in discomfort. It was a good insight and I wonder if she wasn't somehow placed into my life to offer a completely different perspective? I don't know- but I feel fortunate to have met her and had the opportunity to speak.

It should be an interesting 2 weeks. I am redoing my garden again-- seems to be an endless chore. I finally decided to give up trying to figure it all out-- I called an expensive landscape architect whose work I loved, figuring that it is better to just pay once and have a great yard- than to constantly have me redesigning it -- I reasoned that the cost of me putting in plants then discovering they really don't grow well there- killing them and then having to get more plants wasn't as cost effective as having someone who knows what to do work with the space. I thought that since I look at the yard daily- the vision of what is ought to look like may be skewed and that fresh eyes would revive my vision. The architect came over last night-- looked at the yard and explained that she really generally does larger projects and with our budget we could not really afford her services. She then went on to explain that she'd be happy to go through the yard with me and point out what she'd do if it were her project and I could take notes and then do the work or hire someone to do the work. She spent 2 hours with me--gave me the names of dozens of plants that grow in the spaces I had been struggling with- and basically redesigned my entire yard for no charge. I was speechless. How on earth did I get so lucky. I mean who does that? This person didn't know me from anyone- steps into my yard and decided to give 2 hours of her services to me. A small streak of sunshine began poking through our grey clouds. I can do this 2 week wait. And if it doesn't work out- I step up, greive, and continue with life. I feel hopeful. Cautiously so.