This is the first time I have blogged since our second miscarriage. I needed to take the time to grieve- for us the loss was huge. I still struggle some days with the loss, but it is lessening and we are on hold with our plans. We'd still love to have a child but the journey wore me out, wore us both out, we were left emotionally spent and physically exhausted.

I also lost some friends along the way-- no, they still care for me deeply but from afar. I think the multiple miscarriages was too much for some of my women friends who were unable for whatever reasons to cope with my loss, perhaps because it resonates or the fear of the possibility in their own lives was too great. But they are dearly missed and I hope that one day they will reappear in my life again when the time works for them.

I can't really say I am leading an exciting life- but I am healing. I have just begun recovering from the depression that sets in while the hormones are leaving my body. 2.5 years of infertility drugs takes a while to work them all out... but I am feeling better than I have in over a year and I have begun to smile and laugh again.

I probably won't post a great deal for now... but know that I am lurking and reading your blogs when time allows and you are all very much in my heart and thoughts.

If you have some free time- please pop on over to Pixxee and give her some hugs.

We did the ultra sound today. No heart beat. At 7 weeks, 4 days-- there ought to be one. We ended up cutting our day short and came home to grieve. Tomorrow we go back for surgery- then I'll take a few days off to heal. We can't thank everyone enough for all the support and encouragement you've given us on this journey-- I don't think we can continue it anymore. It's just too painful and we need to take care of ourselves and our hearts and get back to the process of living. Hugs to you all still on your journey--

We go in on saturday for our ultrasound. I'm scared. Beyond scared actually, I don't want to go at all. It's suppose to be the first time we'll see our baby's heartbeat but all I can remember is the last time we did this and how the heartbeat was low- and then a few days later it was gone. It was so sad-- and I just don't think I am up for doing that again emotionally. I'm afraid it is all going to happen again.

I'd feel better if I had some other symptoms besides being tired. So far- that is about all I feel. Anyhow, just writing down my thoughts in an effort to purge them from my head. Sometimes putting all your fears down takes the power away from them.

Now how many of us can say we had 4 beta tests? I am gathering it's not the norm- and I'm not complaining- I'd happily give blood every week if I got a take home baby at the end of it. In fact I think if we get to a point where we transition to a normal docotrMy 4th beta came back at about 1800. I'd hoped it would be at least 1500-- so the number not only met but exceeded my expectations. Yipee. So there ya have it- I am very pregnant, which I prefer to possibly a little bit pregnant. Now we just need to make it past the heartbeat which is scheduled for the 28th of this month. I am feeling tired all the time and I get cranky at the drop of a dime- and require food at least every 2 hours now. All green light signs.

I promised I post the 3rd beta results- good or bad. It was a really rough weekend trying to not think about it and not watch my body for any possible twitch that I might mistakenly think is a etopic pregnancy going off. No blood or severe cramping the entire weekend- but I also didn't really feel pregnant. Tired, yes- but not really one iota of any other symptom. By sunday we were convinced that I'd be miscarrying again so at dinner I had this amazing seared ahi on wild rice and a lovely glass a markham merlot. I woke up at 3:30am unable to sleep and pondered whether I thought I could live childfree and be ok with it. At 7am I gave up sleeping having pretty woke hubbys up with all my tossing and turning -- we headed for the lab before breakfast.

The lab had all of 2 people waiting for a blood draw and I was one of them! Yeah, that first person to the lab and not having to wait an hour never happens to me- and I suspect that the other person in the lab was a regular who really must have complained about waiting because the technician who did my draw talked about how clients complained about waiting often- and there was only her until 8:30am-- she seemed delighted to know that other labs have much much longer lines that her one or two people.

So .... I am still pregnant and my hcg is climbing! And what did I say when the clinic called to let me know? I blurted out that I had the wine and tuna...because of course I wondered if I somehow was now going damage the little bugger with the fete from the night before. The doctor assured me that normal children have been born in circumstances much more dire than one glass of wine. Ok, so I won't make it a regular event.

I go back for a 4th beta next week just to make sure that the numbers are still climbing and all the hormones are suppose to be doing what they should be doing. I'm not complaining- I'd rather know that everything is where it should be and not chance another miscarriage (one is a plenty to live through).

So as of today-- things are good. We are cautiously happy. We'll remain cautiously happy-- I don't think I have the luxury of being carefree at this point- but maybe after I pass that 12th week, we give have a little squeal of delight.

Where to start? I just got the results of my betas today. The first beta (tuesday late morning) was 16 and the second was 28 (thursday early morning). Not quite the doubling number that we had hoped to see -- so I go back in next monday and take a 3rd beta. Several possibilities as to why the second beta is low-- and the only positive one is that perhaps implantation just occurred late and we are just starting to climb. The other possibilities aren't really all that thrilling- with one being an etopic pregnancy and the other being incomplete implantation and thus a miscarriage.

Can I just point out that the whole waiting part just plain sucks? I am off to a family reunion this weekend-- and I hope that it will provide a distraction from all this- I have this looming fear that if somehow this pregnancy isn't viable that it just isn't going to happen for us and we move onto to a different kind of life. How do you just let go of something like this?

So we are back to the waiting phase. I'll post again after my 3rd beta and let you know- good or bad.

Transfer is Done! Yipee. We got to the clinic a few minutes early, and I didn't think this would be a big deal as last transfer we got in 30 minutes early and were out early too. This time I was ready, bladder full... busting to move. We waited an additional 30 or so minutes beyond our scheduled appointment because the folks in front of us apparently didn't understand that full bladder meant FULL bladder and once in there- they wait for you to fill up so it's just a matter of drinking water and waiting. Not the fault of the staff -- they give fairly explicit instructions to have a full bladder and they tell you the time to start drinking and how much to drink. I should have sensed something when they were in the waiting room and they were the only folks without water bottles. Fortunately the RE knows me fairly well by now and he was fine with me letting some out. That part pretty much sucked-- having a full bladder and I think I ended up letting a tiny bit out 6 different times while we were waiting-- and we waited 30 minutes after our scheduled time, which means the folks behind us had to wait as well. Once we got into the room- we were in and out in minutes--3 little eggs tucked safely away.

On the way home we hit traffic-- but bed rest this past weekend was good. I got to stock up on my video watching and Hubs was totally awesome taking care of me. Even when I was cranky, he was still there. Made me meals, and brought me water and took the dogs out so they didn't pester me.

The dogs apparently got into Poison Oak this past week-- not sure how they did that since they have been running at the beach- but we've got it all over. We are both incredibly sensitive to it and my arms are just covered in a red itchy rash and it's spreading to my neck, shoulders and legs. Not much I can do but let it runs it's course at this point and try not to scratch.

Anyhow, we take our first blood test on July 2nd and the second one on the 4th. Since the 4th is a holiday here we'll have to wait until the 5th. So we won't know anything until then-- they never tell you the results until the 2nd test results are in and I am not planning to watch for symptoms since I already know I don't show any so early on. I'll post if anything comes up- but as of now- the eggs are in and cookin'.

Well the retrieval went well yesterday-- they got 5-- but only 4 were viable. Of the 4, 3 were an M2 and one was an M1. I'm not exactly sure what that means- but I am told it's good. Of all 4, 3 fertilized. So 3 is a pretty good ratio when starting from 4 total. Not going to complain. We go back on Friday to do the transfer- but overall we're Ok with the number and the amount that fertilized. Better than last time and we did good then. I haven't started to think about the whole miscarriage thing much yet-- but it's lurking-- and if this goes well I'll expect a slight freak out at week 8 or 9 ... we have plenty of time for that.

Anyhow, I found a cool chef service that cooks and delivers meals to you so I ordered some for the week for us to give a try.
It was pretty good- and it wasn't all that expensive when I think about buying all the stuff to make the meals- I think we may keep using them for awhile-- I could use a break on cooking and Hubby isn't inclined to learn so it's that or pizza. I don't know how everyone else does it- and it could just be the hormones but I feel like I keep track of all the stuff with the house and the food and the cleaning... and I work full time too. I am worn out! So here is to taking a break.

I'll let you know if anything comes up at the transfer but I suspect that it will be pretty normal.

Latest stats are still decent-- though less impressive than earlier in the week. We still have 6-7 follies- but only 2 of them have grown well-- one is 11, the other is nearly 9-- and the rest are 4-7. That doesn't really leave much time for them to get where they need to be by next tuesday but still worst case 2 is better than none. We also go back again this weekend for another ultrasound and we'll decide then if Tuesday will stick or if it will be pushed out more.

Other than that- I have the strange side effect of heat coming out the soles of my feet. Serious heat is moving on through and I am occassionally plunking my tootsies into cool water to relieve them. I'm not too worried about it-- I think the warmth may be a good sign and I generally am cold so the shift is a nice change.

I am hoping the last thing of note is a good sign. I am taking it as one. It would seem that all the dahlias I planted during the grieving period of my miscarriage earlier this year have nearly all sprouted and I got my first flower bloom earlier in the week. I am hoping more flowers bloom this weekend- but it's nice to see something grow and become beautiful from such a dark start.

I went to the RE yesterday for my utlrasound -- and I am slowly growing eggs! The RE says he thinks we'll have 6 or even 7 that will be mature by next week when we go in for retrieval! (pausing for a victory dance...) We pushed the retrieval out 3 more days as I am a sloooow grower as well as a slow responder. Kind of makes me wonder if I ever really produced any eggs on my own naturally with with my mega-short luteal phase :) and add into a blood clotting disorder, and the fact that it takes me twice the amount of drugs in twice the time to produce nearly anything...good grief, I spent all those years on birth control tweaking my body hormonally and I probably could have skipped it! All those puffy bitchy extra 10 pound years on birth control when I could have been pleasant "sure, I am happy to share my chocolates" Ellie.... sigh. Don't you just hate retrospection? And now leg warmers are back in style again... when did that happen?

The RE was kind enough to explain that usually the first 5 days or so on meds generally make women a wee bit cranky, as the estrogen hasn't kicked in quite yet but that when it does, that the crankiness subsides... I am speculating that mine isn't quite where it needs to be as Hubs and I attended a movie this past weekend, and a high schooler kid cut in front of us in line to buy tickets with his friends- we had plenty of time to buy tickets and there was tons of seating in the theatre- but I mentioned to Hubs that evening that I was suprised he hadn't said anything being as he still has a great deal of New York in him from his years of living in the city. He looked at me and said... "that was 7 hours ago-- and it was a kid buying tickets with his friends, do you think you might be a bit hormonal?". Umm, yeah, so perhaps the feeling to push the kid off the curb and into oncoming traffic is a slight extreme. I could say I am feeling a bit hormonal, yeah. And it's strange that these injustices seem to grow into travesties as the hours pass and they are such small things that I hold onto.

Anyhow, I go back to the RE for another US on Friday so I'll post again.... and I have to say that this cycle is by far the mellowest one I have done- and I am thrilled that aside from the crankiness, nothing unusual is happening and this is all pretty dang boring.

Not really much new to report on my end-- I started up the stims earlier this week- and things have been smooth sailing overall. I am doing the shots mostly myself-- there was a couple of IM shots that I had my lovely neighbor help with one of them and then hubs helped with the other. I was able to inject it IM, and then he pushed down the needle, sat down and took a deep breathe, turned a wee bit pale and then seemed to be fine. I think he takes them much harder than I do!

The bruising from the heparin isn't too bad-- and bloggers have been great about offering me tips to reduce the bruising which has been helpful. I bumped my head on the doorway yesterday in one of my more graceful moves and then later that day my head hurt from it! I'll have to be more careful about bumping into things as we continue this process.

So that's it. I know, by far my most boring cycle yet- and I have done these dang meds something like 6 or 7 times at this point! By this time it ought to be mundane :) I did have a funny experience at the drug store the other day-- I was stopping over to pick up a prescription of needles at the local pharmacy and they explained to me that they were not going to put it through my insurance because the price of the needles goes up 20 bucks if they do. Classic. It costs me more to get them through my insurance than pay retail...

So just a quick update. I have been on the lupr*on and centro*tide for about a week or so now. Had my first ultrasound on Tuesday. Everything looks good, no cysts and I am good to start the stim phase this next week. I'll be on the stims until the 12th of June when I go back in for another ultrasound. Pretty much taking it all in stride. I occassionally feel a small pang about the miscarriage but am otherwise fine. 2 women in my bookclub are pregnant! One would have been in the same week as me and the other about a month behind me. I'm thrilled they are both pregnant, but it was one of those pang moments, where I am told they are pregnant and I do the math in my head... oh, I'm not pregnant any more I don't get to count those weeks now- pang. I can only hope that some of it rubs off on me and this next round will have us lucky too.

We just finished reading "Assassination Vacation" by Sarah Vowell for those of you who were going to ask, yeah, I know you are all wondering what we read this month. I have no idea what next months selection will be- the person who hosts it get to pick the books that way we rotate around the group and everyone gets a pick- it broadens my views and reading choices to things I never thought I'd read and I often enjoy the reads so no complaints. The book is hilarious, and educational-- all at the same time.

I'll keep you posted as I continue my cycle. Still no major side effects from anything- except a slight headache. I start the hep*arin next week. Never done it before- but I am told that the bruising will be noticable..still, if it only costs me a wee bit of bruising and I get to go home with one of those new fangled babies... I'm good with it.

Again. I don't really know what to say other than I am going to try this again. I have no idea if it is normal to cry at the thought of that. It's not that I am not looking forward to it. It's just the the last one ended so incredibly badly -- and I doubt I could make it through another cycle emotionally if my husband weren't with me holding my hand every single step of the way. Funny how he thinks I am the strong one- I don't really feel that way at all.

So I start my new med regime sometime around the 19th of this month- it will be lu*pron and dexameth*sone for the first week or so-- then we add in Centro*tide, some E2V and then up the ante a week later with regular stims and heparin. Baby aspirin to boot as well. Whole new protocol for me. And that also adds to the fear I guess.
I was kind of use to all the old drugs and what my reactions were-- in fact I rarely had any side effects at all.

The good news is that we did the Millenova labs tests and found that I tested positive for APS. It was the best 800 bucks I think I have ever spent. The common name for it is Hughes Syndrome- but the elevator pitch is that my blood apparently clots and causes miscarriages. Thus the heparin and baby aspirin now becoming part of the new portfolio to thin the blood out. I think Hubs is a tiny bit worried that he will be following me around with band-aids. I share his concern knowing that I am a bit of a klutz. I mean I did break the same little toe something like 3 times last year tripping over things. I am hoping this summer doesn't start out like that!

So finally a new post after a quiet month. I'll be here posting, and reminding myself to breathe. We have taken every precaution we could to make sure this round
does not end with a miscarriage. I can't do much more than turn it over to the world and hope it ends well.

Hey Fellow Bloggers..

My humor must be returning to me as I catch up on my reading and hear what is happening in everyone's life. As I was reading up on a fellow bloggers mini vacation and her undying patience in dealing with a fertile woman who kept offering her suggestion on how to get pregnant, a question arose for me - and I thought- why not take a poll on this and then we'll have them all in one place. So here goes-- spread the request around so I can capture as much of them as possible. And here is the question:

What are the suggestions you have been given to help get you pregnant by people who don't get infertility?

Disappointed is proably the best description for what we feel today. We talked to the clinic about our Karotyping test and it appears that the lab doing the testing- conducted the wrong test entirely. So they confirmed I was pregnant-- and nothing else. Yeah, thanks. I think the morning sickness was a huge tip off for us. So what does all that mean? In short- we will never know why we miscarried because the lab screwed up. The clinic sent over the correct orders but the lab opted to just not do them. I wonder if the lab tech who mistakenly did the wrong test has any idea of the impact that had on us? Do you think they'll send me a "hey, how are we doing card, we want to know" to rate the facility. Yeah, I doubt I will be hearing from them.

So we are moving on, grudgingly- I was doing the immune blood testing at the clinic as a next phase, but I think they will be sending me the kit to fedex on in-- that way I don't need to drive a few hours just to give them blood. Then we'll get the results from that and decide what to do next.

Well. Healing.
Somedays not as fast as I'd like but it's happening.
I planted my yearly dahlias. I bought too many and Hubs is alittle concerned we'll have so many we won't be able to get to the front door. I felt better after planting them. And if it takes 30 dahlias to heal from a miscarriage- it seems like a small price to pay.

I have an appt with the RE this week-- I guess we'll go over the results of the D&C tissue they got and what the plan will look like moving forward. I still occassionally feel as thought the wind has been knocked out of me- but it's general greiving and as much as I'd like to snap my fingers and have it be gone there is no rushing it. It's managable, and the best way to describe it is that I get a small pang or twinge of sadness when something triggers it. Walking past a baby shop, seeing a pregnant woman... you know the usual stuff.

I got an invite to a babyshower in the mail today. I was alittle suprised really as I haven't spoken to the mother-to-be in 8-9 months, and the last time I think it was just a hello. We weren't really friends, and other than general small talk at events we both happen to be attending, we haven't really spent any time together. My hubs is friends with her hubs and so maybe it is a by proxy invite? A my husband knows your husband kind of thing? Hmmm.

The reason I am writing about this shower, isn't the puzzlement of why I was invited. It was the wording on the shower that has me alittle perplexed. The shower invite said that the couple didn't know the gender of the baby they were having so we should not tell them that is it a boy. Umm, ok. But it feels weird to know the gender of the baby when the parents don't and why would the host of the event chance that all those 40+ people won't tip off the couple- who purposely don't want to know.Like they won't be getting a blue gift now...because everyone is going to walk into the store where they registered, see that they requested yellow and get that for a boy?

Is it normal to do showers this way? Hubs and I talked about it, and I'll pick something up this week. I can't attend the shower because of an existing conflict, and I'm not really feeling up to a babyshower so it's proably a blessing overall. We'll drop the gift off with some breakfast after they have the baby. I have trouble with the being part of the secret thing- and it's not that I can't keep a secret, or that I plan on telling it if I see them. It's that I wasn't given the choice to not be included in the secret. That is was just blurted out in the first line of text for the shower and now I know this information. Now when the couple calls to tell us they had a boy it will be like, yeah, um we know...and that just seems alittle anti-climatic.

Well I can't say for certain what possessed me to troll over to cyclesista and check out all the dec/jan and jan/feb cyclers and evaluate the outcomes of everyone. I can't really say that I learned anything from counting, some of us got pregnant, and some didn't. So I thought I might just catch up on some reading and offer some support. I am reading you all, but so far writing comments feels uninspirational, like I just have no idea what to say.

We did the D&C late last week, they moved me up a day in scheduling and then apparently didn't mention it to the nursing staff-- the door to the recovery room was ajar but we did overhear some of the staff commenting that I wasn't on the schedule. Hmm, not the most welcomed feeling but I know that I am little on the sensitive side with all the hormones dropping out of my system like a roller coaster plummeting down the hill. Hubs said the doctor came in and spoke with us after, I can't remember a dang thing so I can't really tell you what he said. I got dressed sometime around 9:30 and we headed home, I slept most of the way and then most of the day too. We burned all the ultrasound pictures and said our goodbyes in hopes that a sense of closure would start the healing process.

It's been two days since and I guess the healing is starting. I still cry, a bit less today than yesterday, I think that's proably going to be around a bit longer- and my motivation to step outside, well, I thought about it today but just wasn't up to venturing out on my own. Hubs took me to the grocery store and I found all the people and noise overwhelming. I did fine in the store, but I wasn't really up for running more errands after that.

I think we are doing ok, and we'll be fine-- but every time I hear the words "I'm sorry", there is a slight sting and I feel tears well up in my eyes. I know the loved ones saying it are trying to be supportive- and I'd say the same thing if I were in their place. I don't know what the right response would be, it seems appropriate, maybe it is just suppose to hurt and then it one day hurts less.

Ok, it's been confirmed. The clinic had me come today for a scan. This is one of those days where I wished I lacked an intuitive side. The baby's heart was not beating on todays scan. We are very sad and just taking some time out to greive.

Ironically I was so optimistic that this cycle would work I brought all my extra meds and supplies to the clinic to give to other women who might need them but not be able to afford them. Now I kind of wish I'd kept the valium...

Well nothing is confirmed. We are still in waiting mode but some thing have drastically changed and I don't think it is all for the better. The net of it is all my lovely symptoms are gone. I'd never thought I'd say I wish I were feeling queasy...
I stopped feeling queasy by Saturday, and my energy level began increase so naps are no longer necessary to make it through a day. My skin pigmentation on my breasts has returned to a pale color and most noticably the metal taste in my mouth is gone. Oh, and I am not really hungry. Yeah, I think that is a big one as I have just spent the last several weeks eating everything within view to abate the hunger. Now I don't mean to be pessimistic but add in some cramping, a general initutive sinking feeling and well, you have a grieving family.

I popped an email over to my care coordinator to see what the options are here-- but overall, I have to be realistic, this week isn't looking like a good one. I know symptoms change-- but they don't just all go away never to be seen again.

We'll breathe, and cry, and breathe and cry some more. Not much else we can do but grieve, and wait.

We did the ultrasound today-- our first one. 7 weeks 4 days. The pictures looked great-- one gestational sac and yolk. The heartbeat was between 95 and 97. A little on the low side. We go back in one week and 2 days for a second ultrasound at 9 weeks. The RE didn't seem worried but we did think he was tentative-- he kept saying it was early and that the heart rate could go up. Dr. google gave us conflicting info-- the average heart rate is 110 bpm-- so we are low, but as long as it is over 90 and climbing we stand a chance.

We are nervous and apprehensive. We want to think the best and that the heartbeat will go up--yet here we are again faced with another week of waiting in hopes that everything will be ok. As hubby so eloquently said it this evening...why can't we just catch a break...does this all have to be so hard?

I guess the bright side is that we'll know in a week and half but I think this may be the longest week and a half we have had to live through yet.

I am sure my friends tried to warn me about the being hungry and wanting to throw up same time feeling- just now I can't remember it ever being mentioned. I thought I was adjusting to being hungry all the time. I even thought I somehow would figure out the secret to not getting sick--you know, small meals, lots and lots of protein, eat right before bed.

I don't seem to have a great deal of problems in the morning, in fact I have been waking up not especially hungry- however between the hours of 1-5pm all bets are off and I could eat every single minute of the 4 hour window and still not be full. It is safe to say that I am tired of eating at the end of the day and I can't help but wonder why they have not created some kind of fast digesting high protein meal that leaves you feeling full for hours and doesn't upset your stomach one bit.
Today, proudly my first round of morning sickness- though it began to hit in my eating window and I couldn't determine whether I should keep eating and take my chances or stop. I can't determine the overriding message my body is sending me when I get two of the messages at the same time. My brain and stomach are both on sensory overload.

Today I can't get near meat. I thought it was a bit strange when I was in the grocery store yesterday and I couldn't look at the raw meat section with out feeling funky-- today, I can't really look at it cooked. This will pass, I know. And I am learning to trust my body, I just wish it would tell me it doesn't want to eat something before I go through the effort to make it.

Wow. I am ready to take a nap now and it is only 9am. I am certain I will make it to noon with no problems but I had no idea that the little cramping bugger in my uterus was going to make me sooo dang tired. Yup, still cramping occassionally and I can only guess that room is being made where none currently exists for growth. I can't help but think that at any moment I am going to puff up into a giant marshmallow. I know going from a size 10 to a size 20 isn't really going to happen, is it? But it is nautral to worry that somehow I won't do the pregnancy right.. I mean don't we all have that fear alittle?

Last night we had a hysterical hormone surge. I was driving to radio shack with hubs and telling him about my recent trip to the humane society where I managed to not bring any animals home but that there were sooo many of them there and they needed good homes. I started to cry before even getting out the words that I had been to the humane society shelter for pets. He looked at me as though a mad woman was driving the car, because of course I was driving and sobbing at the same time and not really forming coherent sentences. Then it struck me totally funny and I began to howl with laughter too. Not a soft giggle but a deep cackling kind of belly laugh. Wow, yes, he did look really alarmed at that point. Almost scared. I can't say I blame him- It alarmed me a bit too. All of a sudden I am talking and then I am just way off the deep end. And then it passes like it was never there.

Otherwise, this morning I woke up burping-- seems to be all I am doing. And I have a slight feeling that I am moving when I am not. Makes for a real thrill when I am in the shower and feeling like I could topple over should a wave hit the bow of the tub. It doesn't last long and it kind of reminds me when I travel for work alot-- where even after I stop travelling I still feel like I am moving. Not really much different from the IVF drugs really-- I can't remember which one gave me this sensation but it only lasted a short time. I am catching up on my blog reading and if I haven't made it around to comment on your blog yet-- know that I am reading to catch up this week.

Ok, Nothing major to update really- but I thought I'd mention for the other women that are still cycling that I have no symptoms of pregnancy still. Yup. No extraordinary signs and I look pretty much the same as I alway have. I have no blue veins, no dark areolas, no morning sickness yet, no getting up in the middle of the night any more than I normally do- and no real fatique any different than the normal fatigue I'd feel on progesterone shots. I have no light headedness, no spotting or heatburn or constipation. Nothing really-- though I do still have cramping in what feels like mild period cramps-- that would be the only significant sign and if the blood test didn't come back with 2 positives I'd swear my period was going to start any time now. So as head into your 2ww, breathe and try not to read into the symptoms.

I can give you a update on my PIO shots. Yup. The leg is definately out. We returned to the tush last night-- and today my leg is *still* swollen and I am hobbling around like I was wounded on the football field. No real differentiation between my knee and thigh currently-- but it does hurt alittle less. Looks way way worse and hurts less. I figure I will just keep off it and see what happens-- but if you are comtemplating PIO shots-- aim for your backside. I speak from experience now. I guess someone had to try it...

What no one really tells you about PIO shots. FIRST - let me start with the update that my betas were 16 on dpo 11 and 76 on dpo 13. I looked at the betabase site and still have not figured out if this means one or two-- any votes on this?

So yeah, I am getting the hang for the PIO shot-- and I will be the first to admit that despite the excellent training my neighbor has provided both to me and hubs, we discovered this morning that we are having a small problem with them.
Administering them, not really the issue. Yes, hubs gets pale and clammy and beer seems to help with this. It also helps to have him sit down next to me to administer the shot. And he is going a great job-- the needle only hurts at the dermal layer and once we are through that -- it's a piece of cake.

So what is the problem? Well, it's the day after. Taking the shot- no big deal. And we have been doing them in the thigh for about 3 days now to give my tushy a rest and because my neighbor was kind enough to help us draw of map on my legs of where we could inject IM, heck I can even self inject at this point. But the entire thigh muscle the morning after an injection-- every single inch of it from the top of my thigh to the side of my knee- aches. I keep looking to see if it is swollen and black- it sure feels like it should. I can't even comfortably rest my laptop on my legs- it hurts to touch the more recent side we used! I am hobbling around the house - and my grandmother in her 90s could easily run circles around me with her walker!

So I tried heating pad to lessen the pain-- temporary at best-- and I tried massaging it as well-- which I do regularly after the injection-- but it just feels plain bad the next morning still. Most folks don't do the legs-- I am guessing this must be why? Today I tried walking it out- thinking the muscle just needs to stretch a bit-- it loosens and then tightens back up when I am off it for a few minutes. Doesn't seem to be helping. Any thoughts on how to make the remaining 5 days less painful? Anyone know at what point you can beg your RE for the weekly progesterone shot? And how long will I be taking these shots while pg?

First let me ask everyone to pop on over to kris @babyproof and give her some love. She is having a rough cycle, and she has more eloquence and strength than I can ever hope to have- my heart goes out to her.

I never got around to the POAS method we intended to do to brace ourselves for the doctors call. I just couldn't bring myself to spend the money on one and my neighbor was on vacation so she did not bring one home from work. Hubs and I just passed the tired baton back and forth all weekend. When I was feeling up, he was exhausted and when he felt rested I was tired. It was an out of sync weekend- but we both got plenty of rest. I got the call from the RE yesterday. I wanted to wait until Hubs and I had talked before posting.

We are both alittle tentative, and I keep thinking maybe the lab somehow got me confused with another IFer. It came back positive. We are both happy, mostly stunned really. And very very tentative-- as we all know-- getting this far is only half the battle. We are keeping it fairly quiet til we pass the 10 week mark. It's the same theory that we applied to the previous testing-- we don't want to blast out to the world that we are pregnant- and then have something go wrong and have to live the let down over and over each time we repeat it. We are comforted that his boys can find the target and when placed in the appropriate circumstances it does all work. Cool. That only took a few years. I have no idea how this actually happens naturally for most people.

We went over to the neighbors house and got instructions on self administering the PIO shots. Looks like we'll be doing this for awhile. I have lovely permanent ink on my legs (I was afraid it would wash off otherwise) so I can find the right spots to do them while she is out of town. I did my left thigh last night all by my self. Hubs drank a glass of wine as though it were a shot of something and watched while turning kind of pale. The idea was that we both learn how to do them- but it may be better if I do it- he didn't look so good last night. When we go for lesson #2 tonite, I think we ought to consider giving him something stronger than red wine.

I'll still be here- reading your posts, and cheering you all on and sending Hugs your way. I also have some meno*pur and PIO in sesame oil that needs a new home. The stuff is dang expensive so if I can save someone else the cost of a box or two. Let me know if you need it -I am happy to send it on it's way.

And the answer is?

We still have no clue how the next few days will turn out- really not even an inkling of a guess but we are moving into self preservation mode just out of habit. 1st beta tomorrow and the 2nd beta on monday. The Dr will call after monday and let us know the results-- but I have to say we are considering the POAS (the pee-on-a-stick for those not familiar with acronym) method this weekend because we'd like to be prepared to talk to the doctor and I don't think we will be if we are shocked by the news, good or bad. They ought to be able to have someone call and tell you the results then hang up really really fast so they can't hear your reaction.

We talked about it last night and Hubs was pretty bummed that I have been cramping for the past day or so. I know, I know. It could totally be the little embie digging in-- and I know I am especially sensitive to just about everything out there except for fertility drugs-- so there is a chance that it's not period related. I mean we all know that symptoms mean NOTHING in this process. But to be cautionary we are asking family and friends to assume it is a Negative unless we tell them otherwise.

We aren't doing this because we are negative thinkers-- we are doing it because it is self preservation. I swear, my fingers and toes are crossed and we'd pretty much bargain off our grumpy dog and our ancient honda for a tiny bundle of joy. It doesn't seem like it but we are sane people and for all you non IFers out there I can explain. Imagine wanting to have any personal life goal, then not suceeding and having to tell 35 people you didn't make it, yeah sadly they don't all gather in one large room so you have to say it over and over and over... Now imagine having told them the exact same thing 5 times prior. Yeah, it is demoralizing. It would be that way whether it was a child or any other life goal you set for yourself you didn't achieve. I think I'd prefer to have my grumpy dog running me over in my old honda than to have that conversation 35 more times. So for the sake of not having to experience any of that- we opted for the above "It's Negative until we say otherwise" method. I mean I can't make the dog stop barking- I suspect I won't be much better at teaching her to drive :)

So yeah, cramping-- but---no blood. As far as I am concern--no massive amount of blood and 2 betas tests to go--means we are still way in the game.

I seemed to have worked out the noise issue with my neighbor-- he was asleep through it- and he says that it won't happen again- they should not have it on that late. His wife, still not taking it well- and ironically is giving me the silent treatment. Her husband says to enjoy it. Since I don't generally chat with them- it isn't really affecting us in any way. So problem pretty much solved-- though a good friend of mine suggested I consider buying a universal remote to just turn off their TV when it is on too loud. Hmmm, I have no idea if that would really work but I admit it sounds intriguing. The only downside of it is that it just isn't good communication and I'd rather communicate and do the right thing. The only person who seems to have a problem with it is the silent treatment lady- but I figure that if this is how she deals with conflict then it's proably better she isn't speaking :)

Both hubs and I awoke this morning with headaches-- and I am glad it was both of us-- if it were just me I'd think it was the monthly pms headache. I have bruises all over my tushie from the PIO shots. So far they hurt when I first get shot-- understandable because it is a really really big needle and then I use a heating pad and rub the area. A few knots and bruises and once or twice I was alittle itchy after the shot and the area around it was red. it went away so it is all good. I do my first blood test on friday and then a second one on monday-- they don't tell me the results until after the monday test. Fine with me- heck a few more days isn't going to change the outcome whatever it is.

I just want to let the other cyclers out there know that my thoughts are with you all -- and I spend a bit of time each day focused on you and hoping you achieve your wishes.

"...Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise! If there's one thing I hate...oh the noise, noise, noise, noise!" The Grinch

Yes, I have a non-ivf related rant today. I am on the final day of bed rest - and I took thalia's advice (thankyou) and got up so I would no longer die of boredom or starvation. I was running out of things to do- and Hubs didn't really pick up the cooking bug like I had hoped. So today I am milling about gently and restoring order to my life.

My rant would be about my neighbors who are generally friendly but incredibly noisy. The problem I have is they seem to be completely unaware about their noise level. Now I freely admit that I am a bit thin skinned on this issue because they have been erecting a brick patio structure with a sandstone facing for the past 8 months and I have had to endure weeks of stone cutting, construction and cement mixing. The stone cutting got to be a bit of an issue because his guys dry cut the stones and the wind was blowing towards out house so the house became engulfed in a thick cloud of sandstone silica-- imagine a house on fire and the smoke the wafts from it-- now make it a lighter duller shade of brown and you have what a few weeks were like here. I talked to him about it- he said his guys were suppose to be wet cutting it but apparently when he leaves the premises they revert back to their old ways.

They have taken a break from the stone cutting lately- last week they jack hammered out the cement he poured earlier in the year- changed his mind and wants to put some plants in his vast cement empire of a front yard. Still, I am trying to be a good sport about this all- I mean I have to live next to him and he is eventually going to finish the project right?

Yeah, he has now installed the kitchen area of his patio, the fish pond and water fall and now a TV. Yup. You heard me correctly the man has placed a TV in his front yard patio area. Now here's the good part- last night they were watching it until 11:30 pm. They have proably been there til the wee hours of the morning had I not decided to wander on over in my frighteningly fashionable pink hawaiin print pjs. I mean what option did they leave me? I could hear it clear as a bell from my livingroom- so you can imagine how clear it was in my bedroom which is one room closer to his place. It wasn't actually him- it was his son and friends watching MTV or something with a heavy beat that gathers speed and races past the ear plugs I purchased for just this reason. So I called, no answer. I called again, no answer. I had no option but to stroll on over and suggest the volume be reduced to something I don't hear in my house with all the doors and windows shut tightly and the fan blowing.

I got no apology for distrubing my sleep, I got no "we'll establish a curfew" - I got a oh, are the boys still watching TV. Hey, glad that it doesn't disturb your peace since your bedroom is located in the back of your house and up a flight a stairs...So I go home rather pissed and what do you know... I wake up the same way. Is it possible they are so clueless they don't realize that a TV outside in your front yard is like a boom box in your front yard and it is considered noise pollution? No one else has a TV in their front yard. In fact only a few folks on our block have cable- the rest of us prefer to live with rental videos and itunes downloads. We don't want to hear the commericals and have the TV keep us company- we are fine being on our own.

So is this hormones or me- and is there some new fad I am unaware of to put TVs in your front yard- or even your back yard for that matter and torment your neighbors with your viewing choices?

Bed Rest Day 2

The transfer went really well. They gave us pictures of the embies-- one was 6 cells and the other was 8. I think they said more about them but we were not really paying attention -- just thrilled to have 2 to transfer and it's darn hard to focus when they are telling you this and you have to pee. Let's get on with it already! They also gave us a picture of the embies inside me. I don't know if I will post them or not -- the scanner isn't really easy to use and honestly don't they all kind of look the same?

The full bladder thing- definately not comfortable- and I tried the catheter after- dang that hurts! I don't think I want to experience that part again. The rest of it went well and I was home shortly after and have been in bed since. I thought bed rest would be easy- I mean who doesn't want to spend all day in bed hanging out?

Not so much fun alone when you can't get out of bed. My neighbors were awesome about stopping in and making sure I had food and everything. Hubs good with dinners- not so great about mornings. Hard to give a morning task to a non-morning person. Since I normally make his coffee and he likes to sleep in-- it's been a struggle having shift times.

Today I have been cleared to lay on the sofa if I want --it will be a mellow day of movies and laying around.

The morning update: Of the 3 mature eggs- 2 fertilized normally. Hubs was thrilled that his guys could actually find the eggs! The visual of the little sperm wandering around the fallopian tubes for the past few years yelling "hello, is anyone home?" makes me laugh. I don't generally think of it as a giant area- but then again I am not as small a sperm so I can see how I might look as large as a country whereas a petrie dish looks about the size of a house. We'll put them back in on Thursday afternoon. I don't think 2 out of 3 is a bad ratio at all. In fact I am just plain relieved to have at least gotten this far and a wee bit sad to think we could have been here a year ago if we'd gone with a different in the first place RE at the begining of this journey.

I'll post later- for now, I am still pretty tired but overall really happy and optimistic. I asked hubs how the mojo room was this round-- as it is a different office and one he'd never been to. If you recall we have now essentially used the examination room done up with lovely pink accents and rap music playing loudly( with no apparent way to turn it off ) and what has looked like a machine room closet with an office chair and tiny TV. The new RE's office a dedicated room labeled the Male Room, which is kind of cute- and he says it has a TV with a VCR and some magazines. He didn't elaborate on it other than to say he did not sit down anywhere or touch anything- he just couldn't bring himself to. He also said that he didn't get back into the recovery room until after me because the room was occupied still by the family that went before us into surgery. When he got in there he just wanted to get out knowing that the other guy had been in there for some extended period of time and it just didn't sit well. I can't say I blame him- we get to go under for the surgery, but the men- they have it hard having to perform under such circumstances and in a room where others have gone before. I say he is far braver than me for this.

So retrieval is complete and we got 3 fat little eggs. I was alittle nervous about going under-- and I have to say, overall a totally great experience. The staff was awesome and apparently I kept waking up- asking hubs how the mojo room was and then falling asleep - then waking up and asking the same questions. He says I did that 4 times. :)

Anyhow, I am exhausted and so I will write more later- if all goes well we put them back on thursday.

Today's appt at the RE was much different than my previous visits-- I guess since there are so many people cycling that they just pack them all into the office near about the same time. So there was standing room only in the office shortly after I arrived- and many of the women brought extra people with them-- some brought 3+ people, children, etc... I figured that it was natural to bring support and I'd bring hubs with me if he could get the time off work- but as he cant't I am doing it on my own. I'm still alittle torn about the bringing the kids into the office- It's not that I mind the kids, it's just that there had to have been 8-10 women in the room all trying to have kids-- and then the one support person brings her kids (yes that is plural) there-- and it seems alittle insensitive.

The u/s today showed 3 follies on the left (largest is 14 smallest is 9)- it seems to be the strong side this cycle and the right has 3 follies as well ( but the largest is 6 and the smallest is 4) and if they don't speed up and catch the left in the next few days they will be staying behind. I stay on meds for the next 3 nights and then u/s again on friday. Our retrieval date has been pushed to sunday- and on friday they will decide whether to bump it or keep it at sunday. All good.

I got back tonite just wiped out-- traffic, driving 5-6 hours total- and eating a light lunch did me in. I took a brief nap but the interrupt level at home was high with dogs, phone calls... I am still alittle bleary and I proably should have waited for Hubs to do the shots tonite. I can now confirm I have hit veteran status as I can give myself most of my shots now. I just woke up one morning and did it-- and have been doing it since. No, it doesn't phase me in the least- and I have gone from covering my eyes and cringing when I get one to doing them alone. I can't explain it-- I am just powering through the process. Perhaps I have hit some new level of altered insensitivity as not much bothers me lately, except noise, dogs and phone calls...

Now tonite I think I did something to mess up my shots-- my first time in what 5 or 6 cycles- so don't think I make a habit of it- and my follistim pen wasn't screwed shut entirely and so when I injected -- the grey stopper didn't look like it moved-- kind of ironic really as I was wondering about the stopper moving last night and it didn't look like it moved then either. So to be sure, I tightened the pen, injected it again with a smaller dose-- and the stopper moved. Well, dang- I am fairly certain it didn't move the previous time -- maybe a partial move and I missed watching the stopper move? I didn't know whether to inject the full amount now or to assume that I have now over shot by some amount. I mean, what would you do? Yes, Exactly, I thought I would err on the cautious side and complete the dose assuming that since the stopper didn't look like it moved earlier- then it proably didn't. Have I now shot too much in? I don't really think so-- but I will have hubs hang out with me when next I do the shots to keep and eye on me and make sure my counting skills don't falter.

I'll let ya know how friday goes. I can't really say much will change, I mean we will go ahead with the retrieval now regardless knowing we have a few good eggs- and hope to make it to transfer. If nothing else I am further along than I have been in the last year- so at least I am moving forward.

Fridays meeting with the RE went well. 3 nights on stims and nearly 3 follies. Not bad. Tuesday will tell us more- but so far the results are encouraging and as I'd be happy with anything 3 and over- so we are there already! Being a slow responder has it's downsides- I don't expect to get over 10 follies, I'd be estatic if we got to 5. I'll let you know what next Tuesday brings. So far it is all going well and I am feeling great.

I had a slight lupr*n headache but accupuncture took care of it-- and as I was leaving the office I mentioned that I was having a slightly stuffy nose- the nice accupuncturist placed these band-aid like things in certain areas- they have a small metal ball about the size of a pin head in them and they use them on children for accupunture. They told me to leave it on for a few days then take it off this weekend. I went home, went to bed and when I awoke the next day I could smell again! Dang, that stuff is amazing!

So things are progressing well- I am hanging out and just taking it easy. I have tried to comment on some of your blogs fellow IFers-- and I am not sure what is up with blogger this month. It doesn't let me look at profiles anymore- and so if I don't have a link to the site already I seem to be out of luck for reading it. Somedays it won't let me post... must be an upgrade feature they failed to mention when I shifted to the lastest version. Know that I am reading your blogs but seem to be unable to comment on all of them and my thoughts and hopes are with you all.

All lights are green in moving forward.

I saw the new RE yesterday. My E2 level is 48 and everything is quiet so things are all systems go. I have been doing 20 of the microdose lupron in the morning and night and aside from an unexpected headache it has been fine. I generally don't have side effects from all the meds but given that it was a long day of driving and I didn't drink as much water as I normally do- I suspect alittle dehydration was mixed in there and so I'll water up today. Last night we did 600 foll*stim. Yikes. We did it in 2 shots because the pen didn't go that high. We do it again tonite and then dose down later this week. I go back on friday to see how everything is growing and I am optimistic.

The new office is located in a hospital and the staff was warm and down to earth. It's a much longer drive for me but I'd rather drive a bit further and know I am being taken care of than risk another mistake. I am still kind of bummed that the old RE did nothing about that mistake and whittled away at our one time insurance assistance for IF treatments so it is completely gone. We will be doing this round entirely on our own and while the meds are taken care of due to the participation in a study-- the surgery will be the remaining cost for us.

IVF is my new car. I may put that on a tshirt. I think DH and I have decided that this will be our last attempt overall. It's not just the expense, though a huge factor, it's also putting our lives on hold while we try this, altering our schedules and travel plans, doing the meds and the physical aspect of this. And the emotional ups and downs that go with the meds and hormones. In short it's everything and it takes a toll on us every time we do it.

Well I got my hair cut today...and came back a Brunette. I wouldn't say that I am a complete dark deep brunette- but my hairdresser did call this a dark blonde. DH is still looking at me a bit strange, and I can understand how he might feel alittle baffled. I mean he married a blonde and then today I come home..well, not blonde. It can take alittle getting use to it-- and having never changed my hair color before-- this was alittle out of character for me. Will I change it back again? I have no idea- but for now- it is nice to have a change.

I take the patch off tonite- and yes, I am counting down the minutes until the thing comes off-- please, if there is any semblance of higher powers in our universe, could this please be the last time I have to do this? I am looking forward to the rest of this cycle--mostly because the worst part of it for me will be over in just a few hours when the evil patch comes off. I start lupr*n on tuesday and stims a day or so later.

I'd put off having my basic annual exam this past year because, well the traffic in that area made the interstate freeway look empty and I just honestly couldn't bear to have yet another person who I don't know all that well looking in an area that is named private for a reason. But with the change in health insurance, I figured I'd get it done right at the end of the year. It would seem that I have some mysterious endo cells with blood particles floating around in there-- now they would be natural if I were starting my period-- but at the time I was on the patch--so now this doctor wants an ultrasound TOO. I should sell tickets. Would you like popcorn with that?

I guess the good part of this is my humor is finally returning, and DH and I are getting this process down. He has been amazingly wonderful about helping with the cooking-- I developed a strange anti-meat thing earlier this week so he has been cooking any of that we have been eating- I have already stopped the wine, the coffee and the tofu in anticipation of the next few weeks. It ought to be a good few weeks but I'll keep you posted as I progress and things get rolling.

New Year. New Start. New Hope.


Second day of the year and I spent the first one relaxing and doing nothing. It was awesome, and around dinnertime, DH looked at me and said "pizza?" Yup, pepperoni and olive. Our standard fair and it made for a great evening of snuggling near each other on the sofa and just generally getting some time alone at home together.

I start my meds on the 16th and I am hoping this is our last try. We've spent all of last year trying to get to IVF#1. 4 rounds of injectible meds and we never got to IVF. A difficult year. Now we are onto a new year and I don't know if it was the change of the date, or the sun shining this morning as I woke- but we have a glimmer of hope with this new cycle.

I didn't make any huge new year resolutions- I'd like to just live this year in peace- and take the days as they come.